Stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Whew! I hope you husband has ear plugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

NP here. Good advice. From my own experience in the past as a girl in this situation, make SURE there is a lot of time for her with her father without you, with or without her half-brother. I'd have her run errand with him and have you run errands without them, not just have her do special things with him. She no longer has "normal" time with him. When I ended up spending more time with my stepmother than with my father, I stopped visiting him, btw. Be careful. She's extremely jealous of you.

Ok, this I would LOVE to do, as that way I get some time for myself

[Anonymous]

16:05 -
Are you a stepmom? Have you ever been in a blended family situation?
I think ur advice is appropriate for a mom, not a stepmom. People who had step moms who tend to lay down the law generally don't like their stepmoms. My forty year old dh still hates his stepmom and the only reasons he can give are that she had a bunch of very reasonable sounding rules when they visited. (And sadly her lessons did not stick, sigh, I wish some of them had, like her lecturing him on table manners - that seemed to backfire!)

[Anonymous]

Again, thanks everyone, I now have a better idea of what to expect and how to behave.
I will ask DH to take time off at work, plan some outings for them only, ask him to tell her about the dishes and her room.
-OP

[Anonymous]

OP again- I am nit planning to go out of my way to make my SD like me, nor do I aspire to instill any good habits in her.
I just want to be nice and fair to her, on the one hand, and make this visit enjoyable for myself, on the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Whew! I hope you husband has ear plugs.

My husband would be pleased to know that someone appreciates how he feels!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

Ha! I probably do sound a little too preachy or touchy-feely or whatever! Still, I stand by what I wrote. I've been watching the behavior of my older DC's friends, especially the girls, and there is so much ugliness that seems to be accepted by otherwise wonderful, kind parents. Just because certain behavior is considered "normal" for a given age doesn't mean it's okay. It's normal for my kid to hate cleaning up after himself, but it doesn't mean he can get away with it. It's also normal for a 13 year old to be sullen sometimes, but it doesn't mean she should be allowed to to be anti-social anyone around her. It just drives me nuts.

There are two main ideas running through these posts. 1) That it's age appropriate to be a sullen, rude brat if you're a 13 year old, and 2) that the girl should be treated with the consideration of a guest not the expectations of a family member. I get that this is a complicated, fraught situation but that seems like a pretty nasty combination: If you're afforded the courtesies of a guest with respect to helping around the house, then you shouldn't act with the license for rudeness that we accept in family members. To the extent that she's treated like a guest, she should be expected to be gracious. To the extent that she's treated like a member of the family, then accept that she may rush off to her room in a sullen huff sometimes! Obviously in this case, she's somewhere between a guest and regular member of the family, but the perks and duties should be in balance at whatever point along the spectrum dad and SM decide is appropriate.

I'll add that I think it would be a fine idea to actually ask the girl what role she would like to play during her visit. A healthy family could have this discussion in the open, and a 13 year old is sophisticated enough to understand and mature enough to think about what she wants and make some choices. It's not like there is an inherent right answer. I bet she would feel respected and included if her dad and SM broached this with her, and she would rise to the occasion. We do a disservice to young people in so many ways when we don't expect enough of them. At 13, she also has a right to have some input on her relationships. In the case of divorce, everyone made decisions about family life without her, and she's been at their mercy. Give her a chance to have some control, too.

Finally, I stick by my belief that it's OK to ask her to keep an eye on her brother for 20 minutes while mom is in the shower, even if she's treated completely as a guest. I can't think of anyone I'd have as a houseguest in my home that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that of.

Sorry, PP. I couldn't help myself! You practically invited me to say more!

Whew! I hope you husband has ear plugs.

My husband would be pleased to know that someone appreciates how he feels!

You are a good sport! Wordy, but a good sport!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, thanks everyone, I now have a better idea of what to expect and how to behave.
I will ask DH to take time off at work, plan some outings for them only, ask him to tell her about the dishes and her room.
-OP

Good decision and plan. Your stepdaughter comes to see her father, not for the lecture from stepmom. I would treat her like any guests and send her back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

I agree with this advice. I may be reading your post incorrectly but you seem quite ambivalent about her visit. However, if all goes well with your marriage, you will be a part of her life for the long haul. Get to know her and establish your own positive relationship with her. I had the privilege of being a stepdaughter to two lovely women with whom I enjoyed terrific relationships. They were friendly and kind and took an interest in me personally, even once their own children arrived on the scene (I have lots of half siblings). Whenever I came over they seemed genuinely happy to see me and that made me feel part of the family. They took the time to share their interests with me as well as indulge my own. While my father was a crappy husband (picked good wives but couldn't keep them), they didn't take it out on me and I remain quite appreciative of their efforts to make sure my childhood was as happy and comfortable as possible.

As for your stepdaughter's relationship with your son, he is young and that relationship will change as he becomes more interesting as a person. My first half sibling was born when I was 12. I thought he was totally cute and I loved to see him but I remember getting bored really quickly. I always thought of him as the best form of teenage birth control. Today, he's my favorite brother.

I hope you have a great three weeks.

[Anonymous]

How will be when you have a child with chores and she comes to visit then?
read the book-Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
Give her chores like setting the table, unloading/reloading the dishwasher, making her bed and keeping her room clean. I also had my stepdaughter help with cooking and she loved it! It helped us to bond.

[Anonymous]

OP here- yes, I am ambivalent about her visit, not because she is my SD but because I hate house guests unless they are very close friends or my brother. Even my parents' stay is stress for me.
In this case, I wonder- what do I talk to her about? How do I balance her having fun and keeping my toddler's schedule, etc.
I am sure we will be fine, though.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing for her will be if your husband spends too much time at work, leaves the planning of activities up to you, doesn't make it obvious to her that she is a priority for him, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst thing for her will be if your husband spends too much time at work, leaves the planning of activities up to you, doesn't make it obvious to her that she is a priority for him, etc.

He tends to be that way sometimes, but I try not to let him.
I will just put it as a condition that he takes time off, and plan activities for them only

[Anonymous]

Speaking as a step-daughter here, you should take the time not only to forge your relationship with her but also for her to form a bond with her sibling -- is this her only sibling (any other step-siblings on her end?). You AND her father should explain how excited you are to all be together. Your son is old enogh (I think you said 6?) to be able to do things together that everyone will enjoy - the pool, short hikes, maybe a water park. Even a teenager loves to play a game of monopoly jr and enjoy being a kid, without all of the pressures of being a teen. Tell her that your son was really looking forward to being his big sister. Lay it on thick. And forget about the dishes -- but, treat her as you would your child. If you tell your son to put the bowl in the sink, then expect the same from her. (I know she's older, but you get my point.) Also, re the dishwasher, I don't let my kids load it, b/c I have to reload it. Putting the dishes in the sink works for me.