Stepdaughter
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Anonymous
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I have a 13 yo stepdaughter, who lives far away so we see each other rarely but for extended periods of time.
She will be staying with us for about 3 weeks pretty soon. She is a very nice girl but I have a minor problem- seems like she does not have any chores at home, so she never offers help with anything, plus leaves her cereal bowl on the counter for example (I had to ask her put it in the dishwasher). She does play with her little brother, but for some reason he is not always happy to engage with her when she initiates, so after a while she largely ignores him, even when he shows interest. Just wondering, am I asking too much of her when I expect her to offer help, and play with her brother when he asks her to (she would be playing on her phone and he would ask what she was doing and she would just ignore him, for example)? If these are reasonable expectations, what is the best way to communicate them to her? TIA. |
Anonymous
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Get her dad to communicate them.
If he does not, make him clean up after her. Don't make her feel like a babysitter |
Anonymous
| She's 13, she doesn't want to play and shouldn't be forced to. As far as chores go, just tell her what you want her to do. What teenager volunteers to help out around the house? |
Anonymous
| Keep the peace as it is only a few weeks and she rarely visits. You can ask her to do basics like her room and dishes but you can not fix bad parenting in a short amount of time nor is it worth trying. Let dad handle the big things. |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks for your replies, since I don't have experience with teenagers I appreciate this reality check.
I never asked her to play with her brother, it just hurts when he wants to play and she acts like she does not hear him. Is it ok to ask her to play with him, say, while I take a shower or make their lunch? On chores, I don't really know what to assign to her. Unloading the dishwasher, perhaps? That's 5 mins for me. I can't really assign laundry or house cleaning to her, huh 
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Anonymous
Ok, so making her bed (she does that I think), putting her dishes in the dishwasher, maybe unloading it... Roomba does the vacuuming so that's not much of an issue. |
Anonymous
| When I was 13, I did not want to play with my sister who lived with me daily. I didn't want to play with my cousins whom we saw infrequently. They were Star Wars crazy and it was all either boy could talk about. i wanted to talk on the phone with my friends and watch tv. Why would a 13 yo want to play with a half sibling who she sees infrequently? As for chores, go over the house rules. Clear your own plates, rinse and put dishes in dishwasher. Make bed every morning. Clean up spills. Pick up bathroom. Etc. |
Anonymous
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You rarely see her so she is(and may feel like) more of a guest than a family member.
She is a teen girl and away from her home environment and her friends. It is normal for her to stay glued to her phone, that is her connection to her world. It is normal for her to have a bit of attitude and not want to do chores. Your younger one shouldn't expect someone to play with him everytime he asks. She is more likely to play with him on occasion if you don't make a big deal out of it. Make the little time you have with her about connecting, building stronger relationships and enjoying her company - not about rules, chores, and trying to make her your sons's playmate. |
Anonymous
Agree. She's really more of an extended guest than your child. |
Anonymous
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Yes to the first question on chores. She is living there and should do her part.
No to the second question on paying attention to your three year old. Not realistic. |
Anonymous
| I wanted to add that you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the parenting of someone you don't see often. The fact that a 13 year old puts the cereal bowl on the counter actually tells me that her mom is teaching her about being a responsible family member. If she just left it sit where she ate, you might be justified in wondering what she is being taught- and I say might and wonder not definite and justified in making assumptions. |
Anonymous
She isn't living there. She is visiting for 3 weeks. |
Anonymous
You will get over it.... Same dynamic happens with older/younger sibilings when they LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE EVERY DAY She is 13...that is unique dynamic all it's own Don't you remember being 13...???? They don't like anyone...usually not that crazy about themselves They feel awkard and put upon...and just crazy... Ugh... 13 |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks everyone, I truly don't remember much about being 13!
I think she is very nice for that age (no terrible habits, no sullen looks etc) I did not want to exploit her, but at the same time I know if I feel I am expected to cater to her, I will feel resentment and she would feel it- the last thing I want! I think I will try to enroll her in part day camp while his dad is at work and if that's what she wants. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.
If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro! I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children. This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it. And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family. |