Stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You rarely see her so she is(and may feel like) more of a guest than a family member.

She is a teen girl and away from her home environment and her friends. It is normal for her to stay glued to her phone, that is her connection to her world. It is normal for her to have a bit of attitude and not want to do chores.

Your younger one shouldn't expect someone to play with him everytime he asks. She is more likely to play with him on occasion if you don't make a big deal out of it.

Make the little time you have with her about connecting, building stronger relationships and enjoying her company - not about rules, chores, and trying to make her your sons's playmate.

Completely agree with this post! Having been a stepdaughter who saw her father infrequently for long stretches I remember how awkward the whole setup can feel especially at this age. It took me a long time to sort of my feelings about new marriage etc. I would ask her to clear her plate maximum. I don't know how long you have known her but when I was 13 if my stepmom had asked me to do a bunch of chores I would have felt really angry (obviously not a very rational response by you are dealing with a teen)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She's 13, she doesn't want to play and shouldn't be forced to. As far as chores go, just tell her what you want her to do. What teenager volunteers to help out around the house?

+1

And, she will have to be reminded... especially if she doesn't do anything at home.

[Anonymous]

It's three weeks. Don't enroll her in a camp. Go do some fun activities. Go swimming. Go for a hike/picnic. Go to the outlet mall and give her some money. Don't assign her chores other than normal things that you would expect guests to do- don't leave clothes everywhere, clean up your stuff in the bathroom when your done getting ready, etc. You could ask if she minds watching her brother while you do something but not all the time. Don't expect her to play with him- that's crazy. Treat her like a guest; she is one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you PP for the wonderful points about acknowledging others.
As for camp, I will have Dad ask her and only do it if she wants. I am thinking 3 hour camp, not full day.

[Anonymous]

Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

Thank you!
I am all for them spending time together (just them)! I will talk to DH about it- I hope he takes at least a weeks vacation for that time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to take her out once while she is here with just you and her - get a manicure, go to lunch, stop at Georgetown cupcakes or some other cupcake shop. Do it early in the visit. Let her know you are happy she is spending time with you guys and communicate that through actions as well as words.

And FYI - she might have some sullen looks! That is what 13 is all about.

No chores, treat her as a guest. Its only 3 weeks and it sounds like she doesn't get to see dad all that much. Make sure she has some daddy daughter time carved out without you and your son. She may be a little jealous he is with dad all the time (totally normal).

-Stepmom

NP here. Good advice. From my own experience in the past as a girl in this situation, make SURE there is a lot of time for her with her father without you, with or without her half-brother. I'd have her run errand with him and have you run errands without them, not just have her do special things with him. She no longer has "normal" time with him. When I ended up spending more time with my stepmother than with my father, I stopped visiting him, btw. Be careful. She's extremely jealous of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your expectation should not be that she will play with her little brother whenever he asks. But your expectation should be that on some occasions, she will. You should also expect that she will not completely ignore him if he asks - a simple, "no, not right now" will suffice.

[Anonymous]

Her father should be the one telling her what to do, which should be, picking up after herself including her dishes and keeping her room tidy. If you want to build a relationship with her, maybe you could see if she'd like to help you in the kitchen or something she might like to do.

[Anonymous]

Please don't ask her to play with the little brother. I know it's hurtful seeing her reject him, but 13 year olds just don't want to and if you force her to she'll reject even more.
Also, asking her to play with him when you take a shower etc is babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Remember you took her dad away and now you want her to babysit. Not the best situation for her or your kids. See if you can think how you would want your childern to be treated if they had to go to live with a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

She should put her stuff in the dishwasher (but her dad should tell her that, not you) and keep her room free of bug causing stuff (ie no dishes piling up in her room). Otherwise, lay off and don't try to be a disciplinarian. You are not going to change her if she only spends one month a year with you. And don't ask her for help with the baby. Ad make sure her dad spends lots of time with her. You need to shoulder the burden of everything baby related these three weeks and let dad focus on his daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Her father should be the one telling her what to do, which should be, picking up after herself including her dishes and keeping her room tidy. If you want to build a relationship with her, maybe you could see if she'd like to help you in the kitchen or something she might like to do.

Stepmom here and I agree with this advice. For a 3 week visit, you really shouldn't be the one delivering instructions, etc (for the most part).

My SD lives with me full time and I absolutely deliver the instructions, etc and it works well - BUT- its the difference in visit duration for you that would make that arrangement not work. For a 3 week visit, let him be the lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to differ with PPs a little. While I don't think your stepdaughter should be given any real caregiving responsibilities for your son, I do think she should be expected to treat him respectfully and lovingly, like a brother and a fellow human.

If one person is trying to get another's attention or engage in conversation, it's just not okay to ignore them. In what other context would it be? She doesn't need to drop what she's doing and play a game with him, but she sure should be expected to look up from her phone, acknowledge him, and participate in a short exchange. You would expect at least that much from a stranger on the metro!

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old adores any big kid who comes to the house, including one particular friend of the older child. Whenever she comes over, I keep little one occupied so she doesn't tag along on the big kids' fun, but even so, whenever little one would try to talk to the friend, friend completely ignored her. So sad to see little one trying so hard and not understanding why big kid friend wouldn't even respond to a hello. I told friend that she needed to acknowledge little one when spoken to. I explained, "Little one is soooo excited to see you come over. She loves big kids like you, and it just makes her feel so sad and confused when you ignore her. Can you imagine how it would feel to look up to someone and have them completely ignore you?" Message conveyed. We expect common decency in this household, including respect for small children.

This is about two things: treating another person decently and fostering her relationship with her brother. As one of the adults in her life and the mother of her brother, you have a responsibility to her and your son to do this. Your stepdaughter and son are already disadvantaged by time and distance. Do what you can to help them overcome it. Presumably, you are a blessing in her father's life and she and your son are a blessing in each other's. Think of it that way, and nurture it.

And while I wouldn't expect her to babysit or anything like that, I do think it's fine-- in a very limited way-- to ask her to keep an eye on him while you take a shower for 10 or 20 minutes. Again, she is his sister. This shouldn't be a burden, it should be what one does in a family.

Oh, shut up already.

nP here. Wow. You must be one of those people who think its ok to let your kid be rude and unkind to others, being unnecessarily rude and unkind yourself.

PP, I'm with you. I wouldn't make SD do lots of chores, but basic common decency toward her little brother would be a must. And it is not too much to ask her to watch the baby sometimes.

In fact, I'd caution against treating her just like a houseguest. This might actually backfire, by making her feel like she's not a member of the family and alienating her further.