Holding Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL did this. She and my SIL came when DD was two months old. All MIL did was sit there and stare at me while I BFed and then hold the baby. She did nothng else. I was recovering from an emergency C section still and was cooking and cleaning around her. (Which, admittedly, was easier without having a baby in a sling...eyeroll...).

When I wanted the baby back, I would walk up to her, hold out my arms, and say, "It's time to give her back."

My MIL wouldn't even come over to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Sorry, I'm missing the point of why you think it's good for an infant to be held by a bunch of strangers. He really needs mostly his mother. And father too. But not to be played with like a new toy by the whole extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Sorry, I'm missing the point of why you think it's good for an infant to be held by a bunch of strangers. He really needs mostly his mother. And father too. But not to be played with like a new toy by the whole extended family.

I agree. The baby's not a show pony! I understand everyone loves the baby etc but it's mom and baby bonding time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Sorry, I'm missing the point of why you think it's good for an infant to be held by a bunch of strangers. He really needs mostly his mother. And father too. But not to be played with like a new toy by the whole extended family.

It is the grandmother. Not a bunch of strangers. Geez. People are straight up crazy cakes.

[Anonymous]

I swear sometimes it just seems to me that some grandmas obsess about the baby to fill a void their lives.

Like, my life is empty, but wait.. there's a good news - someone is having a baby. Let me march over there and insert myself next to it. Then it doesn't seem meaningless for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Sorry, I'm missing the point of why you think it's good for an infant to be held by a bunch of strangers. He really needs mostly his mother. And father too. But not to be played with like a new toy by the whole extended family.

It is the grandmother. Not a bunch of strangers. Geez. People are straight up crazy cakes.

Respectfully, I think you are missing the point that no one is against grandmother holding the baby. This particular grandmother has boundary issues and that is what people are responding to. She holds baby too much and makes an already emotional, crazy, wonderful, life-altering time more stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear sometimes it just seems to me that some grandmas obsess about the baby to fill a void their lives.

Like, my life is empty, but wait.. there's a good news - someone is having a baby. Let me march over there and insert myself next to it. Then it doesn't seem meaningless for a while.

And you will be a DIFFERENT kind of grandmother one day!

Karma's a bitch, sweetheart. Treat others as you would like...well, you know the rest. I hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is not local but was planning to come my entire hospital stay and plant in my hospital room. My husband talked with her and I think we have found a happy medium to have her come to see baby in hospital on birth day and day after and then come back two weeks after. I wish she were more of a comfort and a help but she is not. Please understand that I am not overprotective or a nervous Nellie or anti-MIL, nor am I threatened. I would love to have a close relationship and have tried. She is just self-absorbed and unhelpful and we don't connect on any plane. In the 9 plus years I have been her daughter-in-law she has never once been a helpful or supportive presence to my husband or me. Believe me, I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, SIL, and aunt who are local and are lined up to pinch-hit and will relieve me when I need to nap. They will also bring in dinner and will clean up after themselves and can have at baby for snuggles and holding. My MIL, on the other hand, will not do any of this. When I say all she wants to do is hold the baby I mean it literally. I saw her do it a couple short years ago with my SIL, a sweet girl who was in tears in her hospital room because MIL wouldn't leave to let her breastfeed or even when the doctor came in. She has an obsessive need to hold that I have never before seen. It is all she focuses on or talks about. To the PP who asked what else she would say...well...how about I can't wait to see baby, how are you feeling, what can I do to help you before/during/after, isn't this a cute outfit, are you nervous/tired...I could go on and on.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. Your DH needs to be on board with getting her out of the hospital room after a brief visit. Two weeks post-partum, you'll be much more able to deal with her, but you'll still need your DH (or aunt and SIL) to run interference. If he won't then you'll just need to stand up for yourself. Now or never! You'll just need to take the baby back when you want her.

But try not to worry too much about this. Just be firm about doing what you need to do. If you are confident in your own ability to have a spine, then you don't need to think about it any more. I had a similarly difficult MIL and I probably worried way too much about what she would do/crazy things she said in the lead up to the birth. And I was right - she acted exactly like I feared she would, and I ended up basically kicking her out for a few weeks untilI was better able to stand having her around. I wish that I had stuck to my original boundaries (no visits for 2 weeks) but I broke down in my vulnerable post-partum state. What made it even harder was that I had no other support - so you're lucky that you do! You're going to be just fine.

I'll also say that now that the months have gone by, things are great with MIL. The baby is bigger, and she's able to be much more helpful by babysitting. (And ha, wouldn't you know it, a little less keen on "kidnapping" him like she threatened when I was pg, now that she realizes babies are hard work.) I'm happy to facilitate their relationship too now that everything has settled down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And you will be a DIFFERENT kind of grandmother one day!

Karma's a bitch, sweetheart. Treat others as you would like...well, you know the rest. I hope.

I really hope to be different, and not to live my live through others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL did this. She and my SIL came when DD was two months old. All MIL did was sit there and stare at me while I BFed and then hold the baby. She did nothng else. I was recovering from an emergency C section still and was cooking and cleaning around her. (Which, admittedly, was easier without having a baby in a sling...eyeroll...).

When I wanted the baby back, I would walk up to her, hold out my arms, and say, "It's time to give her back."

My MIL wouldn't even come over to help.

If you think this was "help", you clearly need help with your reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

As someone said earlier,confide in a nurse at the hospital that you're worried your MIL may not respect your need for privacy. Work out a code word that will have your MIL removed with some made-up excuse by the nurses. You will find one happy to do this. Have your husband drop donuts off at he nurses station.

Ideally, you can put off the home visit for two weeks. Or at least limit all home visits to an hour. But if you can't, use breastfeeding as your excuse. Every two hours, just walk over and say "I need to feed the baby" and hold out your arms. Then go to the bedroom. If anyone asks, say you're not comfortable breastfeeding in pubic yet. Feed him (or not) and cuddle up on the bed. Come back out when you're ready. It's not unusual for feedings to take an hour when they are tiny.

[Anonymous]

Ha! typo above. Not comfortable breastfeeding in *public*

[Anonymous]

I was breastfeeding on demand for both my kids. So that gave me a lot of cuddle time.

I was always glad when my mom, MIL, SIL would hold my baby. It gave me an opportunity to take a nap. I thought it was wonderful that so many people in my family cared for me and my baby and bonded with my kids. They were very mindful of boundaries and would ask what else they could help with. My house had gone to the dogs but they never commented on it, instead consoled me that once the babies grew up a bit, things would be better and that I should not worry about it. They came bearing food. Do laundry and dishes - but most of the time they were with the baby.

You know, not every child is so fortunate that they have extended family around them when they are born. Celebrate it. You may birth the child, but you do a disservice to their emotional health if you prevent others from being an intimate part of their lives. The baby who belongs to the whole family is a happier baby.

[Anonymous]

My MIL acted so put off that I was breast feeding and she couldn't give the baby a bottle. Kept lamenting how she was missing out on feeding her grandchild.

Sorry, not really responsive but your post brought back bad memories. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Why do I get the feeling that the "and DH" was included as an afterthought?