Holding Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not weird about germs or possessive. I welcome any assistance and am grateful for it. The fact is that I don't like my MIL and her intense desire to hold the baby will not be of help or comfort to me. She will be in my way and I will have to excuse myself to breastfeed, nap, relax, etc. She will create more work for me. My husband and I can hold the baby...moreover so can any of about 10 other family members (DH's lovely father and stepmother included) who are also incredibly thoughtful, helpful people. I am just trying to figure out how to cope and maintain an even keel. I have a cordial, pleasant relationship with her that I turn the other cheek quite often to maintain but this will take a whole new level of management.

Your MIL's desire to hold her newborn grandchild is totally understandable. Her incessant reminders that she wants to hold the baby are her way of telling you that she is afraid that you won't give her the opportunity to do so. She's anxious that she'll be shut out.

Please be kind to this woman and let her hold and help out with her grand baby. Remember that this baby is a part of her, too. That doesn't mean that you have to hand the baby over to her - your the mom, but do let her share in the joy of her new grandchild.

I'm not sure you've been paying close attention to this thread. This MIL has a weird fixation on literally "holding the baby" and will not be of any help to anyone, as her idea of helping is to "hold the baby." She stated that her plans are to "hold the baby as much as possible" or something to that effect. OP has observed this weird behavior in her before and is stating that it goes above and beyond the normal desire for a newborn cuddle which everyone agrees is understandable and amazing. I'm sorry, but when someone's desire to fulfill their own needs gets in the way of new mother trying to establish breastfeeding and comfort with her new baby that is a problem. I don't think OP is being unkind but rather trying to be kind by figuring out succesful coping strategies ahead of time. If the MIL is "anxious" that she'll be shut out - perhaps she should examine her behavior and reasons why she is not comforting/helpful to her DIL. The OP has indicated that she is not high-strung and is relaxed and grateful to accept help from others, including her other in-laws. This tells me that OP doesn't have an irrational dislike for MIL just because she is her MIL. Lastly, OP is letting her MIL share in the joy of her new grandchild. It seems as though MIL has been invited to come to hospital to meet her on day she is born and that sounds pretty kind to me.

The baby isn't even here, yet. She hasn't gotten in the way of anything, she has simply expressed the desire to hold her grandchild. The OP should let her hold her grandchild.

My MIL came to help out when my kids were born. Would I have rather had my own family/friends there at the time - yes, probably. But looking back I'm glad that MIL got the chance to be there for her new grand babies because (and I had no way of knowing this at the time) my kids are the only grandkids she will probably ever have. And she was a GOOD mom to her kids and she deserved the opportunity to share the joy of her new grand babies. I will never regret giving her the opportunity to do so. In fact, I would feel very guilty now and forever more if I had not let her have that experience. Was I hormonal and did she get on my tired, new mommy nerves? Yes, sometimes she did. Would I do it over again? Yes, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Ugh my in laws did this. I also had an emergency C section after 5 days of labor and could barely stand upright. All they did was hold the baby, and then complain later because the little guy peed on them.

I was cleaning and cooking around them, and all they offered to do (well my husband sort of forced them to do this) was order food. Of course since MIL is anorexic (5'10 and 102 pounds), it was all salads and diet coke - exactly what you'd want if you were recovering from major surgery and had no sleep.

Honestly, set boundaries. This time around I'm going to tell them FLAT OUT that this is no vacation and I'd appreciate actual assistance.

[Anonymous]

And just before you jump all over me about the "this is no vacation", please note that they guilt tripped us for MONTHS about flying over to "help with the baby". Instead of helping, they held the little guy for hours. My husband hinted that we would appreciate a little babysitting while we were in town, and they told us they had dinner plans already.
After they left we had to hear how "exhausting" it was to fly over (They're in their early 50s and fly all over the world for vacation), and they've never visited since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honestly, set boundaries. This time around I'm going to tell them FLAT OUT that this is no vacation and I'd appreciate actual assistance.

Don't tell them that. They will say they'll do more and then they'll be useless again. Say they need to wait until you've gotten into your groove with the baby because you know they want their visit to be fun and you won't be able to provide that.

[Anonymous]

PP here. THanks for that advice. MY in laws are sweet and all, but they're totally useless.