14 year old DD has no friends
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Anonymous
| she could be exhibiting beginning signs of depression -- keep an eye on that...esp. if she doesn't want to go out, doesn't want to get dressed, always wears junky clothes, not brushing hair etc....i know b/c this happened to me when I was a teen |
Anonymous
| She knows she doesn't have friends, and you pointing that out doesnt make her feel any better about herself. Hopefully she will make friends on her sports teams in high school. Send her up for something to do this summer sports wise a few hours a week and then back off. |
Anonymous
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Typically kids have at least a few friends. Its really an important ingredient in development so you should take the fact that she doesn't as something to investigate. Don't investigate it with her by mentioning it or trying to arrange playdates. All you are doing is putting pressure on her and lowering her self esteem.
My DD went through a period of having no friends and it turned out she had serious depression. There's a kind of loop here -- depression is isolating, and being isolated leads to depression. So get her screened for that. And if she has any other developmental issues -- obsessions, lack of eye contact -- you might look into the possibility of Aspergers. It shows up differently in girls than in boys so is often missed. The lack of friends ever is a red flag. |
Anonymous
+1000. You are "required" to bring your own friend to most sleep away camps. |
Anonymous
| "She thought her combination of friends would not work..." She does have friends, just not many. That happens to a lot of kids. It often means they have a few good friends instead of many superficial ones. It is rough when the few friends don't get along but it is not the sign of a child with depression. |
Anonymous
That is ridiculous. Camps won't even honor bunk requests, much less do the REQUIRE you to bring a friend. How would they possibly have any campers? Some socially awkward girls do great at sleep away camps. It depends on the camp though. A sports camp would be a DISASTER. Pushing this child to join a sports team this summer would be too. At an art camp or all around camp she might meet other girls just like her and have a great time. There are reviews for that kind of thing. All camps, like all schools, are not the same. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the great comments and suggestions. Not sure on depression. She is moody but does get dressed and does go to organized outings (ie guitar lesson and sports practice). She just went on weekend trip organized by her church and she was suppose to room with her friend who signed up at the same time - then another friend in the group signed up last minute and now she texted me that they are rooming together and she has a very nice (stranger) roommate. This upsets me and has happened before - she gives in so easily. Is this low esteem? depression? how do you screen for that as PP suggested? |
Anonymous
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Re: sleep away camp. I do think they're great, and I don't think you are "required" to bring your own friend. However, when campers are 14, most of them have been attending the same camp for many years. I think at this point it would be really hard for your daughter to integrate herself into existing cliques. That was my experience when I was 14.
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Anonymous
I put required in quotes, irony, get it? sleep away can be hard for an awkward kid. Expensive, also. |
Anonymous
Oh, OP that is so painful! when that happens to my DD, I have to remind myself that teen friends shift around a lot and not as hurtful as if an adult did that (or more? maybe that is why we are glad to be adults?) In any case, this phase will pass, hopefully. I do not love summer with teens myself. Too much stress 
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Anonymous
It sounds like it's more her personality to hang back. I have a quiet child too. Unfortunately at this age most kids aren't good about reaching out to the quiet ones. Our kids need to learn to assert themselves a bit more to be included. Chances are the stranger she's with now has no friends there either so maybe this is a good chance to practice social skills. Clearly she has friends (like the one she was supposed to room with) and maybe she prefers smaller groups. Could she sign up for some volunteer stuff and work on involving just one friend at a time? For example, our church donates meals once a month to a shelter and we make the dishes at home. Often my DD will ask a friend to come over and help her make 3 big bowls of salad or whatever. Invite one friend to the pool (even better if it's something off the beaten path. We often take a friend out to Bohrer Park in Gaithersburg to swim and play mini golf) Is she excited about high school? Encourage her to pick some clubs that will allow her to meet smaller groups of kids. This is also a new start and she can try to take the initiative more to make plans and have others join instead of waiting to be asked to join their plans. |
Anonymous
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So she goes to guitar, sports, signed up for a weekend trip....what is the problem? Back off. Stop making her feel bad about not being a social butterfly, or you are going to wind up with a kid who submits to peer pressure just to have more friends. And what wrong with rooming with a stranger who is nice?? Maybe she will make another friend.
As someone who has had plenty of friends at every stage except junior high, I would suggest you make sure she has some fashionable clothes and decent hair. Or the opportunity to go shopping and to a good stylist. Obv dont push her on this front. Looking back, I think my horrible clothes and hair made it worse for me socially. I wore hand me downs from years before. not good. Sounds shallow, but.... |
Anonymous
| When I was 14 and lived in the burbs around here, my summers were boring and didn't involve lots of activities with friends despite the fact that I had plenty of friends with stay at home moms at the time. Most of my friends went to their area swimming pool or visited family, etc. I think the idea that every other 14 yr old is out having some exciting social life for the summer may be somewhat overblown. |
Anonymous
| I agree. I went to camp and to relatives' a lot and had a great summer, and I can remember my friends back home complaining about being bored and everyone being away, |
Anonymous
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I think you should wait until HS before you worry. She might find her "clique" there.
I agree with getting her to volunteer or find a job. Something that makes her feel useful. |