14 year old DD has no friends

[Anonymous]

It pains me to see my 14 year old DD here in the summer with basically no friends to hang out with. At her 8th grade graduation (a big deal at her school) we tried to have a party or weekend away with friends but she just never invited anyone because she thought her combination of friends would not work and it became a burden. Now she has no camp and is sitting around the house. I just saw some of her school friends walking around the neighborhood and feel bad she is not included. She is awkward around other kids - never an initiator. She is good at sports so that gives her some outlet but for 2 weeks she has had no social fun time. We are now to the point that if i try to bring up something for her to do with another kid, she shuts down and won't respond and gets moody. So my question is should i keep trying/encouraging her to make friends or go do something or should i give her space and let her figure it out herself? (she does have sibling to hang out with but they have their own friends)

[Anonymous]

Has she always been like this? YOu say she has a combination of friends, does she ever hang out with them outside of school?

[Anonymous]

pretty much yes. Unless some one else takes the lead (and usually she won't like them very much) she doesn't get together with them. When she was younger we could orchestrate outings with friends but now she is too old for that.

[Anonymous]

Does she seem sad that she doesn't have friends to hang out with? I

[Anonymous]

sorry got cut off. Is she doing other things during the day or just lounging around? Does she have interests other than sports? I think sports can be tough if you are an introvert. A lot of times (at least when I was growing up and I"m not that old!) sports are populated by outgoing and popular girls. Maybe she could take a class at a local community center..cooking, crafts, art, woodmaking...lol whatever she has an interest in. She may not make close friends, but at least it would give her a chance to be social

[Anonymous]

that's a good point about sports being mostly popular outgoing girls. She isn't one of them! I think what is troubling for me is that she isn't forming any tight friendships - she make no effort so it isn't like she is getting left out per sec. Part of me thinks that she doesn't care but i suspect that it is the opposite and she is deeply hurt but doesn't know how to get out of the rut she is in.

[Anonymous]

I would try to find somewhere she can volunteer a few hours a week to get her out of the house.

[Anonymous]

I think that sports actually can be a great outlet, yes it attracts social/popular girls, but girls who are great athletes and work hard are valued no matter what their personality, and for high school, being on a varsity or JV team gives a girl visibility and a sense of purpose. Both my DDs were very athletic, one was also very social and she would have been included in social events no matter what, but the other was someone who found it hard to reach out to other kids and make friends, felt more comfortable with boys, hated "drama" particularly in MS and 9th grade. Sports teams in school and out really gave her a purpose and an outlet, and it helped that her entire outside of school team was actually weirdly full of introverts and somewhat socially awkward kids just like her, maybe in part because of this they all chose to practice a lot and had lots of success, and all of them made their varsity teams as freshman and contributed and got playing time immediately.

So for this summer make sure you find out about preseason and tryouts if she does a fall sport (and if she doesn't what about trying one not requiring prior experience, at some schools always looking for field hockey players, cross-country runners) and find out if there are informal summer "playarounds" or conditioning sessions she can show up at.

And what about some local sports camps and clinics?

Outdoors programs/camps like Caleva might also be a good place for her, and then there is always overnight camp.

Once a bit older programs like NOLS can be great, or some of the biking trips for teens, but those can be pricey, not sure whether that is an issue or not.

[Anonymous]

It's only two weeks. Maybe she's an introvert. Maybe the girls you view as her friends are smoking weed or doing things with boys she's not comfortable with. Stop pushing.

Maybe she just hasn't found "her people" yet.

[Anonymous]

I was somewhat similar to that as a child, but my parents forced me to do ONE thing every summer. I don't remember what it was when I was 14, it might have been as simple as summer school, but it forced me to get out and socialize. My parents took us on a vacation, then I had my activity for the summer, and then it was time to prepare for school. I remember one summer I volunteered, two summers I went to a high school camp at a local college, I just don't remember which summers they were. It was very hard for me to keep up friendships over the summer because (1) I was reserved, (2) I was kinda awkward, and (3) I was not really friends with the kids in my neighborhood (I went to a magnet school miles away from my house). But I never felt sad or lonely during the summer.

She's not too old for camp. If she's good at sports, maybe sign her up for some kind of class at a local rec center.

[Anonymous]

We are doing camp for this reason. Everyone is just too busy to hang out and the schedules do not match up. OP, I am sorry, it is very painful.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DS was very much like this until about a year ago when, suddenly, he became more social and self-confident at age 16. I would never have predicted this and we did little to promote it. On the other end of the spectrum is his younger sister, who's very social but struggles with academics. I worry about her the same way I did about her brother at this age, but for totally different reasons. I think they all find their way eventually. I'd try to be encouraging and suggest at least one or two organized activities she can do with other kids her age. Beyond this I'd say just be patient. She may surprise you.

[Anonymous]

I was introverted as a child and teen but my mother made me get out of my comfort zone. I did not have a lot of idle "lounging" time. I either went to camp or had a job. I did always have a close knit of friends who appreciated me for who I was and I am still friends with a few of them today. One thing that changed my life in a positive way and helped me get out of my shell was going away for college and living away from home. It made me more independent and resourceful. I was never the life of the party but I had good, loyal friends I could depend on for support and had a great time with. Useless your DD is suffering from depression, I think you, as the parent, need to be more involved in helping her form friendships and be involved in activities. She is not going to get better sitting at home. If you have a weekend home or beach house, encourage DD to invite a few friends or just invite them over or out to the movies. Although DD is nearing HS, she still needs the guidance and support of her parents.

[Anonymous]

I meant "unless" not "useless". Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Send her to sleep away camp. There are tons of great ones out there and it teaches you to handle friendships are your own. I went to an all girls camp for 8 years and it really eloped my social skills.