Advice on telling teenage stepdaughter that a new baby is on the way?

[Anonymous]

Let us know how it goes!

[Anonymous]

I have a SD around the same age. She cried like a baby TWICE when she found out her dad and I were expecting. She was his only child up until then and she was used to being the center of attention when she stayed with him. Unlike at her house where her mom has 2 other kids and 2 step sisters. She now has grown to love her little brother and sister (from dad and I) and she's a great help with both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The scenario you describe is very similar to what I went through as a teen. My mom had my half sister when I was about 14. I have to say, I loved (and still love) my little sister--she's my real sister--I don't even call her my half sister unless I'm explaining the relationship (as now). Any lack of closeness is due to our age difference, which has improved as she's grown up. And my mom couldn't have been any better (I lived with her though) I never felt usurped b/c it was clear my mom loved me to pieces too. So, I never felt excluded by my mom. I think one concern you might want to consider is YOUR relationship with her since it sounds like you have a good one. I felt left out by my stepdad. I'm not sure how you get around this, since I think you're probably going to love your own baby who you raise from the get go more (but maybe not). It sounds like you're a great stepparent b/c you're asking the questions. But I recommend you be mindful that even though you are not her biological parent she may feel a connection to you and you should continue to nurture that even after your baby is born. maybe let her help recommend names (or the middle name). Do a family photo session with ALL of you, etc. My stepdad was clearly over the moon about finally having "his own" kid. As an adult, I now understand it, and though it didn't affect my relationship with my sister or my mom, it definitely hurt my feelings. So any way that you can try to maintain a special relationship with your stepdaughter is a good idea.

Funny it took me a while to understand that this pretty much mirrors my own upbringing except I was a boy. I loved my half-siblings to bit when they were little -- babies work their magic on pretty much everybody, so ironically I wonder if that is not the easy stage (as opposed to later). Later, dear stepmother wanted to create room for "her own family" and that was hard to deal with, though now with children of my own I understand much better (though luckily I cannot say I've found myself in the same situation, being happily married to the mother of my kids). Excuse the repetitive praise but you do sound like a great stepmother. My only advice is that relationships are a marathon, so don't take the initial pregnancy and birth too seriously as it goes to this issue. As long as you can put yourself in the shoes of this girl as she grows from time to time, then I'd say things will work out just fine. Congratulations on your baby, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a SD around the same age. She cried like a baby TWICE when she found out her dad and I were expecting. She was his only child up until then and she was used to being the center of attention when she stayed with him. Unlike at her house where her mom has 2 other kids and 2 step sisters. She now has grown to love her little brother and sister (from dad and I) and she's a great help with both.

I could have written this because this is exactly what happened when we told my SD. She, too, was DH's only child but had 2 other siblings and step sisters at her mom's house. She definitely loves her little brother and helps out most of the time. I try to make sure she is nt treated like a built in babysitter, so I don"t push her to help more even if I am exhausted and we could used the help.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Pleased to report that it went great. On hearing the news, DSD flung her arms around her dad, then did the same to me, and immediately said, "I've always wanted a biological sibling!" She also seemed excited when we all opened the envelope together and learned the baby is a girl.

Honestly, we couldn't have hoped for a better reaction. All weekend she's been talking about her new little sister, brainstorming names, etc. I've told her more than once how lucky this new kid is going to be, to have such a fabulous big sis to look up to. I only hope this baby turns out as loving, smart, thoughtful and generous as her older sister is.

Signed,
A very fortunate stepmom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Pleased to report that it went great. On hearing the news, DSD flung her arms around her dad, then did the same to me, and immediately said, "I've always wanted a biological sibling!" She also seemed excited when we all opened the envelope together and learned the baby is a girl.

Honestly, we couldn't have hoped for a better reaction. All weekend she's been talking about her new little sister, brainstorming names, etc. I've told her more than once how lucky this new kid is going to be, to have such a fabulous big sis to look up to. I only hope this baby turns out as loving, smart, thoughtful and generous as her older sister is.

Signed,
A very fortunate stepmom

Nice to have some nice stories around here. Thanks for the update OP. I'm sure you're going to have a beautiful family. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Pleased to report that it went great. On hearing the news, DSD flung her arms around her dad, then did the same to me, and immediately said, "I've always wanted a biological sibling!" She also seemed excited when we all opened the envelope together and learned the baby is a girl.

Honestly, we couldn't have hoped for a better reaction. All weekend she's been talking about her new little sister, brainstorming names, etc. I've told her more than once how lucky this new kid is going to be, to have such a fabulous big sis to look up to. I only hope this baby turns out as loving, smart, thoughtful and generous as her older sister is.

Signed,
A very fortunate stepmom

I LOVE that you don't qualify their relationship with half-sister, etc. They're just sisters. These kids are lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

OP,

How wonderful! How lucky you all are to have one another!

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to add another voice reccomending
1) educating her on newborn/infant development, so she doesn't go in with rose-colored glasses
2) having her there right away. When you go into labor, have DH buy her a ticket for the next day (or two days if it's evening). Arrange with her mom, if possible, for this to be the plan even if she is skipping school for a day or two. Being one of the first to meet the baby will be such a precious memory for her! You don't want her there right away, as there may be complications, etc. and you don't want DH to be divided between protecting her from anything scary and helping care for you/make medical decisions. But you do want her there pretty much as soon as the baby is here.
3) think about ways to build a relationship between her and baby. If she is holding baby and baby cries, frame it for her as "Oh, he/she is just overwhelmed. He/she must be picking up on our excitement having you here. It's okay little one. You will know this exciting person soon enough!" If she is holding the baby and the baby is calm, frame it as "Are you enjoying your big sister? I hope you love her as much as we do!" I know it sounds corny and manipulative, but it's good to verbalize positive interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great job, OP. I'll probably out myself to any friends reading this thread, but still want to share our experience.

My DSS was older than your stepdaughter when I became pregnant, 22 and in his own apartment. We had been planning a visit to him anyway, and while we were there we broke the news. His reaction shocked us - he was thrilled!

He was always the first person we called with updates, u/s photos, news of boy/girl. When we decorated her nursery we put a 4-photo frame on the wall. 3 of the four photos were of DH, me and DSS as infants, with the 4th awaiting her newborn pic. I.e., from the get-go this was a complete family unit including him.

We had also asked our families to give us 2wks alone at home with the newborn to bond. Part of that was my DSS, he flew home the day we came home from the hospital and stayed for 5 days.

He had little experience with babies, but was content to hold her and read a book while she snoozed. While I was in marathon nursing sessions, he and DH got 1-on-1 time doing the shopping and cooking. He lost a bit of sleep too with the middle of the night crying, so he got the whole experience!

Since then we've done our best to build a relationship that includes 4 of us and help him know that he is just as important as he's always been. When we say grace before meals or bedtime prayers, his name is included even if he's not here. He notices therefore when he's home that it's part of DD's routine. We skype occasionally, but his weekly phone chats just with his dad also continue. We also talk to DD about her brother a lot, so she just adores him when he comes home - not bad for his ego, and to know that he is loved and not forgotten. We've added photos of her to our home but haven't taken down his photos.

Admittedly, my love for her is different than my love for him, but my love for him isn't any less because I have her. I think DH would say the same thing.
Good for you for thinking about these issues. Good luck.

NP. I love this.

[Anonymous]

Love this entire post. OP, my best friend in elementary/middle school had the coolest step mom ever. She was the one we went to with questions about sex and boys. I think the kindest and most loving thing she did was to let my friend be an active participant when she got pregnant my friend was 13 then). She included her in everything, including name discussions. We had a school dance just days after the baby was born - she must have been totally exhausted, but she did our hair and makeup for the dance and made a huge deal about it. I found them on FB a few years ago and my friend still refers to her as JulMom (step mom's name is Julia).