Advice on telling teenage stepdaughter that a new baby is on the way?

[Anonymous]

DH has a wonderful, bright, loving, altogether delightful almost-14-year-old daughter (who has, thank God, not yet hit the eye-rolling obnoxious stage that I was in at her age!). His daughter lives with her mom out of state; every other weekend, either DH flies there, or we both go there, or she flies to us. In between, they talk/Skype/text almost daily (he always calls...sometimes she's not great about calling back.) She is deeply attached to both her mom and her dad. She definitely misses him; when they're together, she is glued to his side, soaking him in. She has been incredibly gracious and welcoming to me as her stepmom and we have a very good relationship; I'm very fortunate in that regard.

My stepdaughter has always wanted a younger sibling. As recently as last month, she mentioned to me that she still wished she had a little sister or brother. Her mom remarried last year and she now has 3 step-siblings, but the youngest of those is just one year younger than she is, and she doesn't really get along with that step-sib. So she's never gotten that little-sibling experience.

I am, after 3 miscarriages last year, 11 weeks pregnant now. If our CVS comes back clear in a couple of weeks, we plan to share the news with our families. I am anxious about telling my stepdaughter, though. I know she wants a sibling -- but I worry that:

--She will feel like this new baby will usurp her in her dad's eyes (not possible, he adores her beyond measure, but how do you persuade a kid that the new baby won't deflect his attention?).
--She won't feel like this is a "real" sibling because it's not the product of her dad and mom.

Obviously when we tell her, we will emphasize that we are so excited about adding a baby and becoming a family of *four*. And we will emphasize how important a role she has in this family, and what an amazing big sister she will be, even though she's not here every day. And we will underscore that she'll still get one-on-one time with her dad. Et cetera. But I am still anxious.

Any advice from those who have been there? Many, many thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice except to say you sound like an ideal stepmom

[Anonymous]

The scenario you describe is very similar to what I went through as a teen. My mom had my half sister when I was about 14. I have to say, I loved (and still love) my little sister--she's my real sister--I don't even call her my half sister unless I'm explaining the relationship (as now). Any lack of closeness is due to our age difference, which has improved as she's grown up. And my mom couldn't have been any better (I lived with her though) I never felt usurped b/c it was clear my mom loved me to pieces too. So, I never felt excluded by my mom. I think one concern you might want to consider is YOUR relationship with her since it sounds like you have a good one. I felt left out by my stepdad. I'm not sure how you get around this, since I think you're probably going to love your own baby who you raise from the get go more (but maybe not). It sounds like you're a great stepparent b/c you're asking the questions. But I recommend you be mindful that even though you are not her biological parent she may feel a connection to you and you should continue to nurture that even after your baby is born. maybe let her help recommend names (or the middle name). Do a family photo session with ALL of you, etc. My stepdad was clearly over the moon about finally having "his own" kid. As an adult, I now understand it, and though it didn't affect my relationship with my sister or my mom, it definitely hurt my feelings. So any way that you can try to maintain a special relationship with your stepdaughter is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thank you, 15:35, that is incredibly good advice.

Yes, I truly do love my stepdaughter, but yeah, it's also hard to imagine not feeling especially close to the much-longed-for child I am carrying and will be raising in person every day from Day One. I'm not sure whether it's possible to avoid those emotions, but what IS possible is making sure that my stepdaughter doesn't feel diminished or forgotten in my eyes. I really do cherish the relationship we have and want to keep it strong. So, thank you for raising this lesson from your own experience, and for the helpful specific suggestions.

[Anonymous]

It may be PMS but this made me tear up. How wonderful that you are thinking so carefully about her feelings. You sound wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness, you're very kind, but I'm not particularly wonderful. Just trying to put myself in this sweet kid's shoes.

Hey, 15:35 (and any others who have been in the same boat), a follow-up question: Did it make it easier, harder, or no difference that the new baby was the same gender as you (I'm assuming you're female, apologies if not!)? I've often wondered if it might be easier on my stepdaughter if the baby was a boy. But maybe I'm off base.

[Anonymous]

This is advice for down the road, but most first time moms get a little freaky and overprotective with their newborns. I was no different. While you certainly should never put your newborn at risk needlessly, please try to restrain some of the super protective reactions many new moms have when around your step-daughter. Be sure to offer your baby for holding. Empower your step-daughter to help. Don't freak out and snap about stuff ("the baby's napping!!!! be quiet! the baby can't eat that!"). I'm not saying you'll do these things, it's just that having a baby triggers a lot of stuff in us new moms and I'd hate for any of those things to cause your stepdaughter to feel unwelcome or like a burden. Congrats, by the way!!! You sound like a really great step-mom...I'm sure you're be an amazing mother.

[Anonymous]

OP again -- thanks, 17:07, this is also excellent advice. I confess I'm a little control-freaky sometimes anyway, so this is definitely something I could see happening with *anyone*, not just my stepdaughter, when mama-bear protectiveness (and sleeplessness) kick in -- so I will definitely be sure keep this in mind around SD particularly. Thank you for helping to save me from myself!

[Anonymous]

You are an amazing stepMom!

[Anonymous]

Just like the other poster I totally teared up.You sound like a wonderful loving and special lady OP. your step daughter is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Just want to echo what others have said - your step-daughter is lucky to have such a compassionate step-mother and the fact that you are thinking about her feelings means so much.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a wonderful stepmom and I'm sure you'll do everything in your power not to let your stepdaughter feel left out when the baby comes. Bit I think you also need to be realistic. There is no way having another child in the family will not at all interfere with dad-and-daughter time. I can't imagine you would want your husband flying out of town for the weekend every other week when you could use his help with a newborn, and it will be a while before all three of you can go visit his daughter together. And when his daughter comes for a visit, she won't get the one-on-one attention or spontaneous bonding activities with dad that she is used to. And what if the baby is very colicky, not to mention more serious health issues, or your postpartum depression is really bad? I think being more realistic and honest about the kind of changes a new baby could bring would help all of you adjust better when the day comes.

[Anonymous]

I see no reason why dad can't continue to spend one wknd a month away with the daughter. To stop those visits now would be a very good way to make step daughter resent new baby.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Point well taken, 20:28 -- yes, there will be things that are different with a new little person in the family, and we should be honest about those. And God willing, the baby will be healthy -- if not, obviously that would mean we'd have some significant additional barriers to address.

That said, we're also committed to doing what it takes to be present for *both* our kids -- so I'm prepared to single-parent for a weekend or two a month to make that happen. (And, I have the feeling we'll also have her come out to us more often, which she enjoys anyway.)

This is all great advice, thanks, everyone -- I've been sharing it with DH too. Keep it coming, we can use all the good guidance we can get!

[Anonymous]

OP, do as much research as you can about the newborn period, and share some of that information with your stepdaughter ahead of time. Let her know that the baby nurses every three hours 24-7, that new moms have a wicked hormone crash the first couple of weeks, that the baby won't smile for 6 to 8 weeks. Tell her how long it will be before you can travel with the baby and the concerns about germs. Don't let this be a surprise, make a plan for the newborn period so she is informed and knows what to expect.