How to ask in-laws not to come for DC's event

[Anonymous]

Watch out if they get mad because they my just leave you out of their will.

[Anonymous]

how is it bad that they want to be present for important events in your child's life?

I agree. Everyone seems to forget it's OP's CHILD's event - not the OPs event. My kids LOVE when extended family comes to their events. It makes them feel important and loved by everyone. By OP seeming to be too bothered to host ILs she's sending a message TO HER KID that they aren't that important - or at least that their events aren't that important for family to travel for.

Seriously OP, think of your kid - How great is it that his or her grandparents want to be there for his/her event - that your kid can see extended famiily being there to support him/her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's fine to say something like,

"We'd love to have you! Sometime after [insert landmark event or date of choice here] would work best for us. Just let us know! Looking forwadr to seeing you!"

I have said a similar thing to my MIL and it worked. They wanted to come at a time period that was just super-crazy for us: my DH was going to be away two times for a week at a time for work, my DD was having two surgeries, and I was working on a massive project for work. I wanted to just get all these things under our belt so that I could then take a collective breath and focus on a nice visit.

I say it has "worked' b/c she respected these boundaries and did not come during our crazy time. Now, I don't know how she TRULY felt about it (was she hurt? I don't know) but actually I cannot waste my time worrying about this. I think it's perfectly fine for the nuclear family to POLITELY set reasonable boundaries and to speak up within a family. No need to treat everyone with kid gloves, you know? I think an adult can hear, "We'd love to have you! Here are the dates that work for us. Jsut let us know!" and not start sniveling and crying that their feelings are hurt. Shrug. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My DC is actually a bit older (young teen) and last year felt badly that there wasn't much time to hang out with the grandparents. DC thinks it's better to have them come another time too, when we can go to museums and spend more time talking. When they come for birthday parties, it is a bit of a balancing act for DC to hang out with friends and GPs who want undivided attention.

I haven't done a good job setting boundaries in the past. In trying to be a good DIL, I do take pride in being a thoughtful and generous host.

My intentions are not heartless - we want quality time with them. But I see that it may come across that way to them. I didn't have GPs growing up so this is new territory for me.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's not very nice to tell ILs not to attend the event, and that it's perfectly fine to say, however, you wouldn't be able to host them and you would only be able to spend time at the event/not spend time with them that weekend in addition to....
I think it's amazing they want to attend the event. My own parents don't bother attending my son's events (and they are less than an hour away) and I feel quite sad about this. I hope you and your family see how lucky you are, in some ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the opinions on both sides. I can't ask them to do a hotel, did that once before and they were still here from early morning to late night waiting to be served.

OP, the poiint that several people are trying to make is that you tell them that the normal expectations will not be met on that weekend. If they choose to come that weekend, they get what is served, e.g. no hospitality. Explain that while you would love them to see you child's sporting event, that you will not be able to provide meals or transportation or any normal hosting tasks and it might be easier for everyone if they stayed in a hotel this time. If they want to come, you'll have beds made up for them and you can shop ahead of time if they let you know what they'll want, but otherwise, they'll be on their own and your family will see them when you're home around the event, pre-event, post-event, whatever is going on. But do make sure to let them know that if they come some other time, that the whole family will have more time to spend and share with them as per a normal visit. Let them know what to expect and then let them make their minds. Then stick to the boundaries. If they decide to come, put some food in the kitchen that they can help themselves to and then go about your weekend as you would if they were not there and let them fend for themselves. This way they have input if they want the low-maintenance visit during the special event or the high maintenance visit some other time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say they "wait to be served." But you don't have to serve them. And you don't have to stay up late just because they're there. You don't have to entertain them or visit with them at the expense of other friends. You provide them with necessary schedule information, you explain how busy you will be during the weekend, and you say good night when you need to go to bed. They are adults; they can take care of themselves.

This is exactly right -- lessen the pressure on yourself (and why is it you? is your DH helping?) --- but allow them to come.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'd suggest, or have DH suggest, that they come another time, tell them that DD was disappointed that she could spend time with them and wants them to visit so they can have time together. If they insist on coming, so be it.(Their coming twice a year is nothing ... I know in-laws who come every six weeks.) Is it that bad that you can't make a sacrifice and endure their coming? Obviously it's not your first choice but with in-law's that's often how it plays. Also, can DH be more attentive, get them lunch, organize dinner, etc., take some of the hostessing pressure off you?

[Anonymous]

Op - are you having other guests come to that event?

I think if you are declaring it a no guest event then it makes sense in context. If you are telling them that it is personal - that you actually want people there to celebrate this event, just not them. That is going to cause hurt feelings and conflict because it is personal. I don't know if your family comes to events or not but you can imagine your parents would be hurt if you said you want everyone there but them.

So if this is no extended family event and just his friends come, fine.

[Anonymous]

It needs to come from your husband. Otherwise you will be the bad person.

[Anonymous]

I completely think the OP is right to want to control how often grandparents spend time with her own child.

It's about boundaries, people. OP is the parent, it's not up to the child, or the grandparents. What if the grandparents decided they want to walk the kid to school every day? would the OP have to put up with that?

Get DH involved, but they sound like they already overstep boundaries and will likely be hurt no matter how nicely you say it. Still, a boundary must be drawn here. You are not to be held hostage to this.

[Anonymous]

"My DC is actually a bit older (young teen) and last year felt badly that there wasn't much time to hang out with the grandparents. DC thinks it's better to have them come another time too, when we can go to museums and spend more time talking."

That is sweet. I think DH can go right there when he calls his parents. "Look, DC is so busy with the event, he feels bad he doesn't get to see much of you. He'd really rather you came a different weekend so we could spend more time together, and so would we."

If that doesn't melt grandparental heart, well, I don't know what does.

[Anonymous]

I dont want to hijack the thread, but im interested in the responses bc im going through something similar with my own parents. They want to come to us for an upcoming holiday (passover). They are difficult guests (my mom in particular) and my mom fills her visit with nasty comments about our house, why we dont have more money, my special needs kid, etc (even though she doesnt think she is being nasty) and we are left feeling deflated and there is tension between my husband and i over the visit. Ive ignored my mothers request to come and she is upset with me. So i feel bad but not bad enough to say alright come.

The side note is i believe the reason my mother wants to come is so she wont have to spend passover with her mother in law, who she dislikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont want to hijack the thread, but im interested in the responses bc im going through something similar with my own parents. They want to come to us for an upcoming holiday (passover). They are difficult guests (my mom in particular) and my mom fills her visit with nasty comments about our house, why we dont have more money, my special needs kid, etc (even though she doesnt think she is being nasty) and we are left feeling deflated and there is tension between my husband and i over the visit. Ive ignored my mothers request to come and she is upset with me. So i feel bad but not bad enough to say alright come.

The side note is i believe the reason my mother wants to come is so she wont have to spend passover with her mother in law, who she dislikes.

if i were you, i'd make plans to get out of town!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how you can tell grandparents they are unwanted at a grandchild's major event. It sends all the wrong messages about their role in your child's life. Anyone with a brain will realize that you consider them a burden and don't appreciate the value of their presence at these moments.

I know it makes the weekend tougher to have there, but I think it's the right thing to do.

+1 What I want to know is why after 15 years you feel you have to "entertain" you IL's? When mine come, I don't "entertain" them. But maybe I have better IL's than you, who knows. I treat mine as my own family, because they are - not just some random people attached to my DH that I have to "bear" for life. Something in your attitude seems off to me without more details.