How to ask in-laws not to come for DC's event

[Anonymous]

DC has an annual event this spring that the ILs came to last year. They asked when it is for this year and said they are planning to come to town for a long weekend. It's sort of a stressful event and none of us want to deal with guests that weekend. We don't see ILs that often, so would prefer another time when we are less preoccupied. MIL considers it very important to be present for all DC's birthdays and events (although rarely calls/emails). I don't want her to feel denied, but want to be able to relax and enjoy this event rather than host a visit. DH willing to have the conversation, but keeps putting it off so I feel like I have to do it. We already said we'd send pics/video but that wasn't a strong enough hint.

[Anonymous]

You started to write it yourself. Just slightly modified, delivered by DH: "We don't see you that often, so we would prefer another time when we are less preoccupied. This event really turns into a logistical nightmare, so I hope you'll understand why I'm asking you to come a different weekend. How about ___ or ____ dates? We'll do x thing you like/cook x thing you like/etc and really get some quality time together."

That gives your ILs a chance to gracefully back out. With added pressure, DH says, "Look, Mom, I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work" and repeats the offer for the alternate dates (that you and he have pre-agreed on).

[Anonymous]

Not to sound harsh, but get over yourself. Unless they are unbearable, why not be a sport and entertain them for a weekend so they can be part of your child's special event? Not everything in life has to be on your terms. While it's unfortunate that they don't call on a regular basis (your definition of how they should be interacting with you), how is it bad that they want to be present for important events in your child's life? I'm sorry, but this just sounds like inflexible prima donna behavior to me. Yes, major events are stressful. And house guests add a layer of stress but these are your child's grandparents who appear to be making an effort. Why not make room n your home and your heart to host them...maybe even knock yourself out to make them feel welcome and appreciated. You'd be surprised how rewarding it can be to make someone else happy. Who knows how long you'll have them in your child's life.

I know I'll get flamed for this advice, but unless they are racist, chain smoking, gun wielding terrorists, would it really be so awful to include them?

Just sayin'...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks PP! I just needed to hear it from someone else that it wouldn't be totally heartless to ask them not to come that weekend.

[Anonymous]

Get on her DH to talk to his parents. It always is better coming from your own child. Worse case: they come but don't stay with you and must handle rest of the weekend without expecting to be included.

[Anonymous]

*your DH, not her DH

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty heartless.

[Anonymous]

What is the event? It is relevant. If it's a birthday party, yes you need to let them come. Something like a dance recital, maybe not. (But I don't know why that would be stressful.). What is it, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Not a birthday party. It's a sports event, would rather not be specific.

They aren't terrorists, but are somewhat high maintenance. I have already bent over backwards hosting them for 15+ years. I'm not trying to get out of having them visit, just would prefer a different weekend.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how you can tell grandparents they are unwanted at a grandchild's major event. It sends all the wrong messages about their role in your child's life. Anyone with a brain will realize that you consider them a burden and don't appreciate the value of their presence at these moments.

I know it makes the weekend tougher to have there, but I think it's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I would guess it's not a "major" event since it occurs every year. A major event is something like a first communion or graduation.

I have a similar issue with my ILs. Our school sends newsletters and calendars out to all the grandparents (mainly as a way to encourage donations). ILs now think that means they're invited to every single school event. I would like to go to our school musical (which my kids aren't in) or our spring festival without my ILs tagging along. I'd prefer to mingle with other parents from the school rather than my ILs, whom we see plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how you can tell grandparents they are unwanted at a grandchild's major event. It sends all the wrong messages about their role in your child's life. Anyone with a brain will realize that you consider them a burden and don't appreciate the value of their presence at these moments.

I know it makes the weekend tougher to have there, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I totally agree. Sounds like they want to be involved, are making a special trip, etc. Let them come - you're being totally high-maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Can they stay at a hotel? I don't know if that would help or not. It's hard to give an opinion w/o really knowing what it is but wouldn't itbe easier to have them there that weekend...you can put them to work or you can skip out on the visit altogether by being busy the whole time.

[Anonymous]

can't you ask them to stay in a hotel?

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most of above posters. You are allowed to enjoy events in your child's life without having to include the grandparents. They had their time with their own child/ren.

It is not selfish or unkind or wrong to let your immediate family come first. Grandparents do not just get to decided to invade your home and family events whenever they chose. Especially if they are high maintenance or add stress They need to be more respectful of your family. I think your DH needs to be straightforward but kind and ask them to come a different weekend.