Friend does not discipline her child and it's no longer fun hanging out with them -- what to do?

[Anonymous]

The bratty-ist Tweens I know were raised by "perfect" parents who sat on them and were so strict that their kids were quick to step out of line and take risks as soon as their parents weren't around. And let's think back to all the girls we knew in hs or college who got pregnant unexpectedly....they all came from super strict houses with crazy moms, remember?

[Anonymous]

I am a parent with older kids ( 9 and 12) and I disagree with what other " btdt" posters are saying. In my experience, you do not want your child to stay friends with this other child anyway. She is likely to be T-rouble, a bully, and an instigator of bad behavior.


Parents who fail to discipline their children in the early, easy years usually end up with out of control kids at every age. I would be honest to a point, tell her you feel it is unfair to your child ( yes, it is your job to stand up for your daughter) and to you for her to not handle her DD's bad behavior appropriately. It is negatively effecting you and your daughter and is disrespectful of your home and rules.

Honestly, I would run from this friendship. Her child is going to be a bigger nightmare the older she gets and at some point it will be to late to make changes.

[Anonymous]

to be honest OP, it sounds like she thinks you are too strict but wouldn't say so directly. I like the house rules idea.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Either you let the friendship die or you only see her without kids. I had a similar issue, but not quite the same. I am friends with someone whose kid is kind of a pain, but not badly behaved. Just whiny and clingy and needy and in upper elementary school so he should be able to play independently with other kids while adults hang out. He simply prefers the company of adults to other kids. When sent back to go play with the kids, he throws things or wrecks the game the other kids are playing or has some other kind of melt down. We just stopped doing play dates for a while and only got together for adults only dinners or coffee dates or whatever. We didn't discuss it, but that is the way it worked out. Eventually he passed through that stage enough so that he will go entertain himself if he doesn't want to play with the other kids.

See if you can do some ladies only outings and maybe you can keep the friendship going enough to see if the kid passes through this stage.

[Anonymous]

I think its a good teaching moment for your child. You will always run into people in life who make different choices; accepting that and making the choice that is right for you or for your family instead of what is "fair" is the most valuable lesson. I would just reiterate "We don't take toys from our friends at our house, if you cannot share this toy, I'll have to put it away." "We don't throw toys at our friends in our house. You're obviously feeling grumpy. Let's reschedule our play date for a day you feel better. Thanks for coming!!" When you're on neutral territory, just explain to your DD that your family doesn't do X,Y,Z behavior that Amy's child is engaging in. If she gets too far out of control, I'd use the "let's reschedule when you're feeling less grumpy/tired whatever" line and end the play date, while keeping a positive tone. You can train mom and her DD while using it as a good lesson for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or simply stop judging your friend's parenting style.

There's a huge difference between passing judgment on how someone behaves toward her own child in her own home and having a natural reaction when that person's parenting affects you or your child. Obviously the former is something to try to avoid. On the other hand, it would be very odd not to have an opinion about how a child behaves in your home and treats your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no way to save the friendship. I'm sorry OP. It stinks.

Do you like Amy? If so, try and schedule non-kid activities with her. The friendship doesn't have to end, but maybe hanging out with her kid does.

[Anonymous]

OP, not much advice, just empathy. One of my best friends (pre-children) never disciplined her children or followed-through when they were pre-schoolers and now they are unruly, rude elementary school children that just aren't pleasant to be around.

I also don't like the influence on my children. My family and her family went on an outing yesterday together and afterwards I made the decision no more play dates or things together and hope the kids drift apart as a result. I'm hoping that we'll just spend more time together without children.

[Anonymous]

I'm not surprised that your friend's daughter tests you. That's what 3 year olds do! She's testing to see if the boundaries are the same for her as it is for your daughter and if you and her mom have the same rules.

I personally have no issue telling kids who are visiting not to do something and mediating as needed.

I don't see this as a friendship dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

I have very low tolerance for undisciplined wild children. I realize it is their parents fault not their own but I just pretty much cut contact.

I still see a couple friends who don't discipline their kids but only a couple times a year and only without kids.

There is nothing cute to me about out of control, poorly behaved kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to these people who think they know everything because they have older kids. Your friend is raising a brat: throwing things when they don't get their way needs to be nipped in the bud, as does grabbing and banging on the refrigerator door. There are parents who don't mind being around brats or having their kids socialize with (or be) brats and that's great, but nothing says you have to be that family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Tell her "we do not do that here". We had one friend who NEVER disciplined her DD. It got to a point that her DD was constantly doing age inappropriate behaviors, no one wanted her DD around. It was just too stressful and the mom never did anything about it, the mom refused. In fact, the mom encouraged it! She was doing the DD no favors, because all children need boundaries.

I have no patience for lazy parents who encourage bad behavior, under any excuse. PPs are correct, the behaviors may change, but without boundaries, the parents who fail to discipline are setting themselves up for DISASTER in the later years. It does NOT get better!

The PP who claimed that disciplined children act out must have been abused. Children who are properly disciplined know boundaries. It really is not that difficult for most reasonable people to comprehend.

Don't tell me I can't discipline your kid at my house when you sit there and encourage it, that is for SURE!

My house, my rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:01 - do you not realize that what the Friend will hear when those words are spoken to her is, "it's not me, it's you and your bad kid.".

Seriously, people: how old are the moms who are posting these "helpful" suggestions? And how old is your one, perfect child? I suggest you print out some of your posts and pull them out and read them in another five to ten years.

My two ADHD boys in Middle and Elem. schools are far from perfect, as are all kids. I needed help to learn to parent effectively because nothing in my previous experience prepared me to discipline two VERY ADHD boys. I needed the help and suggestions from actual FRIENDS. I read their books and I went to classes with one. They helped me tremendously when I really needed it. But feel free to walk away and just judge. Not a real friendship if that's you're go-to option so you won't miss it for long.

[Anonymous]

oh my goodness OP I think your friend might be my friend. I have seriously had to curtail our play dates together. Specifically- her kid takes toys out of my kid's hands and she cajoles and pleads with the kid over and over to "share" and yadda yadda and DOES NOTHING. Her kid has also seriously smacked my kid in the head with various toys and he gets a one minute time out and then comes back again and does the same thing. I am SO SICK OF IT. vent over. and yes, we don't spend much time with them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I have four kids and I have a little more life experience than many of the posters in this forum (who tend to have one or two very little ones), but I honestly couldn't care less about my friends' parenting styles. As long as they don't yell obscenities or beat their kids, it really doesn't bother me how strict or lax they are. I'm only responsible for my kids. Period. And I strive not to pass judgment on my friends (even the ones who are super strict/crazy/judgmental and those who are super lax). I'm sure some of our friends think we are too laid back. We don't see it that way. We have older kids, so we now realize that we don't have to shadow our toddler's every move. We have older kids, so we recognize that we don't have to intervene in every situation. In fact, we prefer that our kids try to resolve situations on their own. We are the anti-helicopter parents.

I think I just fell in love--too many judgey parents..nice to see one who isn't. Wish this mom would just relax and just have fun with her friend. God if the worst thing in life is another kid hanging on the fridge..life is good!! Relax!!