How do you handle divisive parents working their own social agenda and cutting out our child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to have your child realize life isn't always easy. There will be times when s/he will be excluded. Life is long and tough, kid! Mommy can't make things right sometimes.

But you can't ask a 6-8 year old to deal with persistent meanness, either.

I can't believe some of the knee-jerk private school defenders on this board. If you actually have a kid in private school, you will see some outrageous parental behavior alongside the wonderful parents. Why pretend there's no bad and only good?

I do have children in private school and have had my child be excluded because he didn't attend one of the big feeders. I actually don't care if they want to exclude him on those grounds because it is stupid! I don't want to be around them if this is their attitude. I certainly feel he would get nothing from a friendship with them too. We don't share their values and therefore would not have basis for a friendship. Not sure why you would want to be included anyway?! The world is full of assholes as soon as your child accepts this and learns to cope the better life will be. I can't be the only parent who thinks this!!

[Anonymous]

PP -- Might be easy for you to accept it as an adult, but don't think for a minute that a child can "explain it away" as easily as you've seemed to dismiss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe some of the knee-jerk private school defenders on this board. If you actually have a kid in private school, you will see some outrageous parental behavior alongside the wonderful parents. Why pretend there's no bad and only good?

New poster. I actually have had multiple children in local private schools for several years. I've met some parents that I consider mildly annoying and many I truly enjoy. But no, I've never seen outrageous behavior of the sort you seem to be describing here.

Now you'll probably accuse me of being a "knee-jerk defender" or tell me to "get my head out of my ass," simply because I don't agree with you. I suppose that's your right. But in my experience, this story you're trying to tell -- about how most private schools are snake pits of intrigue and backstabbing -- is fiction.

Maybe I've just been lucky enough to have missed it, or maybe what you're describing is standard procedure at some schools, but not at others. In any event, your suggestion that such ugliness is commonplace among all private school parents at all schools is simply not true.

You're talking to several posters here, not just one. You're responding to my post though. So let me say that I've only run into one truly socially unscrupulous parent at our K-6 (the stories I could tell, but I won't) and a few parents I'm on the fence about. But it's enough to convince me that OP and the other posters here aren't imagining things. And this is why I think the posts (some of them yours?) accusing OP of being paranoid and/or incoherent just seems like mean girl behavior at worst, and ostrich-like behavior at best.

PS, your last para seems to contradict itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe some of the knee-jerk private school defenders on this board. If you actually have a kid in private school, you will see some outrageous parental behavior alongside the wonderful parents. Why pretend there's no bad and only good?

New poster. I actually have had multiple children in local private schools for several years. I've met some parents that I consider mildly annoying and many I truly enjoy. But no, I've never seen outrageous behavior of the sort you seem to be describing here.

Now you'll probably accuse me of being a "knee-jerk defender" or tell me to "get my head out of my ass," simply because I don't agree with you. I suppose that's your right. But in my experience, this story you're trying to tell -- about how most private schools are snake pits of intrigue and backstabbing -- is fiction.

Maybe I've just been lucky enough to have missed it, or maybe what you're describing is standard procedure at some schools, but not at others. In any event, your suggestion that such ugliness is commonplace among all private school parents at all schools is simply not true.

You're talking to several posters here, not just one. You're responding to my post though. So let me say that I've only run into one truly socially unscrupulous parent at our K-6 (the stories I could tell, but I won't) and a few parents I'm on the fence about. But it's enough to convince me that OP and the other posters here aren't imagining things. And this is why I think the posts (some of them yours?) accusing OP of being paranoid and/or incoherent just seems like mean girl behavior at worst, and ostrich-like behavior at best.

PS, your last para seems to contradict itself.

Yes, I understand I'm probably talking to more than one poster. You're the one who seems to suggest that any parent who doesn't see "outrageous behavior" must be a "knee-jerk defender." I don't have any way to know in advance whether you're also the person who told someone she needs to "get her head out of her ass," just because that person had never seen such exclusion in private schools her children attended, but I gather you're saying that wasn't you.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that there are no unscrupulous assholes among the private school parent population. Apparently you've met one at your K-6 school. I'm sure every school has at least one. I'm also not suggesting OP is making things up. My whole point in posting is to rebut the implication that private schools are chock-full of unscrupulous assholes, hell-bent on maintaining some warped social caste system. That's what some people posting here seem to be suggesting, but that worldview is completely contrary to my personal experience. Indeed, judging from the fact you've met only one such person at your child's school, I gather you and I might even agree on this point.

You seem to think I'm a repeat poster, but I am not. This will be my second post on the thread.

If you think my last paragraph is self-contradictory, I apologize. There must be some ambiguity I'm not seeing. My point was to acknowledge that while I've personally never met an unscrupulous asshole at private school, and thus I think they're not common, I'm open to the possibility they exist.

I hope we can have a useful exchange on this, and not devolve into sniping. Please help me reach that goal.

[Anonymous]

15:56, I think this is simpler than you're making it. Based on your experience, you claim there are very few, if any, assholes in various area public schools. Others have cited their own experience with one or many assholes in their own schools.

I see no reason to discount the bad experiences of other posters here. You want to discount them, based on your personal good experiences, or some other motive - that's why you're being called a knee-jerk defender. Also, nobody is claiming that area privates are all pits of mean girl gangs wrestling in the mud, and that type of exaggeration is just another way to dismiss other PPs' own experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry everyone hates your kids. I can't imagine why. You sound like a great role model.

Here we go again hating children and finding reasons to justify hating innocence. Hate the parents hate the kids. Hate their ethnicity hate the kids. Hate their appearance hate the kids. Hate their gender, hate the kids. Hate their abilities, hate the kids. Hate their handicaps, hate the kids. Hate their clothes, hate the kids, hate their sexual orientation, hate the kids. Hate their opinions, hate the kids.

You don't hate my kids because their mine, you hate my kids because you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry everyone hates your kids. I can't imagine why. You sound like a great role model.

Here we go again hating children and finding reasons to justify hating innocence. Hate the parents hate the kids. Hate their ethnicity hate the kids. Hate their appearance hate the kids. Hate their gender, hate the kids. Hate their abilities, hate the kids. Hate their handicaps, hate the kids. Hate their clothes, hate the kids, hate their sexual orientation, hate the kids. Hate their opinions, hate the kids.

You don't hate my kids because their mine, you hate my kids because you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the parents told child "you can invite 3 kids." OP's kid is #4. Divisive social agenda.

No, I wish that were the case and it was as simple as that. This is the op and thank you for your replies. I realize I made an error posting on here because I must be vague or the families involved will be easily detected and that will worsen the problem. However in me being vague it sounds like an odd post and is difficult to understand. I know many moms that have been in the independent world longer than I have frequent these boards, so I was looking for some advice, so I don't have to gossip about this to school parents. However, I think I should seek advice where I can give the whole picture and not sound confusing. Thank you anyway.

OP I have written those kinds of posts! By the time you take out all the info, the other reader goes hmmm, wonder what is happening?

[Anonymous]

The clique-y thing is one of the harder things to accept. Yes, thee are mean and hateful moms. It is so hurtful, and you ask yourself why? Part of the reason I think IS competition. Some of those very clique-y moms children are very average, or actually struggling in school and sports, but mom is there at school to help cover that up. The achievers are often too busy to do every step of the in-and-out clique behavior. When it comes time to measure actual scores acceptances, so on, they get very angry when someone else wins. It is still painful, though. Also just the same in public, not only in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know what you mean OP. Ignore the haters. When my kid got into an Ivy from an elite private school here, some of the parents thought it was unfair. So, they actually told me they were going to write to the Ivy to complain. I couldn't believe it. My kid is very smart, very good-looking, and very athletic. So, I don't know what their beef was other than their own kid didn't get in. They were legacies...we were poor bum __ ucks from the sticks.

Is this post true?

[Anonymous]

All the hurt and anger seems a little crazy to me - bad behaving parents have bad behaving kids - figure out a way to let go of the situation your kid will be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work at an independent school and in a few of the grades some of the moms have formed a small group and do give the other moms and children a very hard time. They might all decide they don't want their children to play with some of the children in the class and of course these young children tell them. The children go home crying and tell their mom the other children are not allowed to play with them and it is very hurtful. Those same moms also think their children are smarter than all of the others and question the moms as to how they even got accepted and tell others those children should not be in the same class as ours. Very often the children are very average and the children they complain about are much more advanced. After a few years everyone has their number and they are the group that is left out. The great equalizer, aka SAT, will come as quite the shock in a few years.

This is horrific. I thought we left this behind in middle school?

[Anonymous]

You all sound totally crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all sound totally crazy.

Calling people crazy is one more example of the dismissive denying behaviors of a hateful mom. Btw, let's stop using the euphemism "mean" to describe cruel behaviors by parents and their children. Consistently cruel moms and their children are not simply mean, they are "hateful", and such hatefulness eventually corrodes their own hearts and souls.

[Anonymous]

Congrats all! The most absurd thread of the year! (so far)