How do you handle divisive parents working their own social agenda and cutting out our child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happy to say that in all my 23 years of parenting five children in at least ten schools across the country, I have never come across a "divisive parent working their own social agenda". Ever. Why would you place your child in an environment like that?

Guess you have not lived in this area for very long.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last to pps! This happens all the time around here. First, understand that if you are being boxed out, chances are, it has nothing to do with you. In our school, there are more parent cliques than I have seen since high school - and they resemble the same types as high school. Hard as it was to see my DC excluded by some of these types, I've come to realize that it was the greatest gift. I don't want people like that to influence my child. In addition, we have encouraged our child to branch out with his out-of-school friends and in the end, he's happy.
But, rest assured Op, you are not the only one to experience the sting of this.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Thanks so much for posting. Your way of framing the problem you are facing is actually quite insightful. In fact, I have been pondering a similar situation at my DC's school, and did not quite know what to make of it. Is it me? Is there something wrong with my child? In a way, it helps to think that other parents are just pursuing their own social goals. Easier for me to work around that in a constructive, pragmatic way.

Actually, my DC does not seem to care much; he maintains friendly relations with classmates because he is very outgoing, and also fairly oblivious. He also has many activities outside of school, and so is exposed to other social groups; also a way to build self esteem. In a year or so, social adaptation may be less smooth. If he were to complain to me, I would definitely engage the school counsellor and/or classroom teacher, as others have suggested. I have found them very helpful and perceptive in dealing with other issues. I am sure they've dealt with this sort of situation before. If you do decide to share with another parent at the school, just be sure it's someone you can really trust.

Anyway OP, you are not nuts, and you are not alone. You are not the only one dealing with such a challenge; I will be thinking of you, because you really helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy to say that in all my 23 years of parenting five children in at least ten schools across the country, I have never come across a "divisive parent working their own social agenda". Ever. Why would you place your child in an environment like that?

That's only because you've lived with you head stuck up up your ass for the past 23 year seeing how much wonderful intestinal fortitude you have. It sounds like a small closed minded, dark and binding world in which you live.

To the OP, of course it actually happens all the time. Small children don't make play dates - it's parents who make the play dates. Parents are the ones who either exclude or allow children to be excluded. As human beings they suck and as parents they are even suckier. In the short-term you and your child are hurt, but at the same time you are building self-reliance. Many of these families who seem soooooo very popular in 4th grade are awkward and clueless as to how they lost there cuteness and popularity by 11th and 12th grade. Many families who practice exclusion when their children are small find themselves awkward, lonely, and clueless before the end of high school. Just be the best parent and friend you can be and you'll both be okay.

As for the PP, get your head surgically removed from your ass, see the world in its correct light, smell the coffee for a change and start giving honest advice.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd start by trying to make some sense.

Hello, Newman (from Seinfeld)

[Anonymous]

Know what you mean OP. Ignore the haters. When my kid got into an Ivy from an elite private school here, some of the parents thought it was unfair. So, they actually told me they were going to write to the Ivy to complain. I couldn't believe it. My kid is very smart, very good-looking, and very athletic. So, I don't know what their beef was other than their own kid didn't get in. They were legacies...we were poor bum __ ucks from the sticks.

[Anonymous]

Small children don't make play dates - it's parents who make the play dates.

I let my kid pick who he wants to invite for playdates, which has resulted in me having to spend time with some strange, boring adults that are the parents of said children. Fortunately, some of the parents have also turned out to be very nice.

[Anonymous]

Very good looking????

[Anonymous]

Yes pp. Some of these private school moms are relentless when talking about "unfortunate looking kids".

[Anonymous]

I work at an independent school and in a few of the grades some of the moms have formed a small group and do give the other moms and children a very hard time. They might all decide they don't want their children to play with some of the children in the class and of course these young children tell them. The children go home crying and tell their mom the other children are not allowed to play with them and it is very hurtful. Those same moms also think their children are smarter than all of the others and question the moms as to how they even got accepted and tell others those children should not be in the same class as ours. Very often the children are very average and the children they complain about are much more advanced. After a few years everyone has their number and they are the group that is left out. The great equalizer, aka SAT, will come as quite the shock in a few years.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have your child realize life isn't always easy. There will be times when s/he will be excluded. Life is long and tough, kid! Mommy can't make things right sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy to say that in all my 23 years of parenting five children in at least ten schools across the country, I have never come across a "divisive parent working their own social agenda". Ever. Why would you place your child in an environment like that?

That's only because you've lived with you head stuck up up your ass for the past 23 year seeing how much wonderful intestinal fortitude you have. It sounds like a small closed minded, dark and binding world in which you live.

To the OP, of course it actually happens all the time. Small children don't make play dates - it's parents who make the play dates. Parents are the ones who either exclude or allow children to be excluded. As human beings they suck and as parents they are even suckier. In the short-term you and your child are hurt, but at the same time you are building self-reliance. Many of these families who seem soooooo very popular in 4th grade are awkward and clueless as to how they lost there cuteness and popularity by 11th and 12th grade. Many families who practice exclusion when their children are small find themselves awkward, lonely, and clueless before the end of high school. Just be the best parent and friend you can be and you'll both be okay.

As for the PP, get your head surgically removed from your ass, see the world in its correct light, smell the coffee for a change and start giving honest advice.

Sorry everyone hates your kids. I can't imagine why. You sound like a great role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to have your child realize life isn't always easy. There will be times when s/he will be excluded. Life is long and tough, kid! Mommy can't make things right sometimes.

But you can't ask a 6-8 year old to deal with persistent meanness, either.

I can't believe some of the knee-jerk private school defenders on this board. If you actually have a kid in private school, you will see some outrageous parental behavior alongside the wonderful parents. Why pretend there's no bad and only good?

[Anonymous]

I was a private school parent for many years (child is in college now). I experienced a lot of mean moms. Where else would "mean girls" learn their trade than from their mean moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe some of the knee-jerk private school defenders on this board. If you actually have a kid in private school, you will see some outrageous parental behavior alongside the wonderful parents. Why pretend there's no bad and only good?

New poster. I actually have had multiple children in local private schools for several years. I've met some parents that I consider mildly annoying and many I truly enjoy. But no, I've never seen outrageous behavior of the sort you seem to be describing here.

Now you'll probably accuse me of being a "knee-jerk defender" or tell me to "get my head out of my ass," simply because I don't agree with you. I suppose that's your right. But in my experience, this story you're trying to tell -- about how most private schools are snake pits of intrigue and backstabbing -- is fiction.

Maybe I've just been lucky enough to have missed it, or maybe what you're describing is standard procedure at some schools, but not at others. In any event, your suggestion that such ugliness is commonplace among all private school parents at all schools is simply not true.