Tween girl trying to fit in - advice, please

[Anonymous]

OP, these kids are just bullies. Remind your daughter that their behavior is their problem - not hers - and it shouldn't make her feel bad about herself. My DD is also in 6th grade and brought up the "popular crowd" for the first time the other day. I asked her what she thinks that means and, of course, she said it's the group that everyone likes. I told her that it's actually just the group that everyone KNOWS. There are usually MANY kids that are better liked than the popular set.

I agree that it would help to get her involved in something outside of school, but maybe consider one activity that she can really sink her teeth into. My DD is not bullied, but she is usually left out. She has always taken dance lessons, but taking a few one-hour classes every week doesn't give her an opportunity to bond with the other girls. she really wants to be on the competition team next year, and I'm going to let her because it will be a good way for her to really get to know the other girls and also have something to really work at and be proud of.

Have you asked the teacher if there is anything your daughter is doing that makes her a target? There could be some small behavior or habit that is contributing, and she might need to somewhat conform to the social norm. For instance, that's great that she loves to read, but it might be a problem if she's walking down the hall with her nose in a book. Or if she's correcting kids in class (my DD has been called out for this), or bragging about her grades. Or maybe she was not-so-subtle about calling attention to her new clothes.

Even if she is doing something to draw attention to herself, there is NO excuse for bullying. I hope you will continue to stay on top of this and make sure the school handles it.

[Anonymous]

My DD has actually done well in FFX middle school so far. She was ready to make new friends and our middle school is large and there are just a lot more people from which to choose. I think by 6th grade, sometimes, the kids are just ready for middle school, more responsibility, and new peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD isn't bullied, but I was. Kids that bully are losers as are their parents, at least in my case the parents and kid were losers.

Regardless, one of DDs friends was having a tough time last year. The girl didn't have any friends, according to her mom. The mom requested her DD be in my DD class this year. I told my DD to make sure to include this child in all activities at school. DD has many friends including this girl. The mom told me that her DD is much happier knowing that she has a true friend in her class. I have taught DD to be a dependable and trustworthy friend. There are some girls and boys in her class that you can tell are losers and I tell DD what I think of these kids. One thing I can't stand is a loser kid and economics has nothing to do with it.

I feel bad for your daughter. The next 2 years will be rough. 7 and 8 grade sucked! HS will be awesome, though! Helping her to cultivate her own deep friendships is a great gift. Empower her with love and the knowledge that kids who think they are better are broken inside and that is sad, so sad, but their reality, not hers. Good luck!

Yikes. I think it might be more helpful to teach your daughter that sometimes people do hurtful things, but that no one is all good or all bad. Calling children "losers" seems counter-productive.

[Anonymous]

Remind her that this is temporary. Focus on the next step. When I was not allowed to spend $300 on a dress for prom, my mom said that I would go to a good college, get a good career and have many formal affairs ahead of me. This is the time that the mean, unoriginal, provincial girls peak - let them have it. Well, a dozen fraternity and sorority formals, congressional galas, charity balls and company parties later and trust me, I wish I could have all of my money back on those stupid dresses. I also thank my stars that I have sons, sorry OP. But being the not so cool girl and not having a parent who cared or encouraged me to change anything to be one actually helped me out in life.

Not sure if this is just in the AA community, but we had groups like Jack and Jill and various organizations that sponsored groups for young adults (like Zeta Phi Beta and Delta) and they often helped young, smart people navigate socially while also exposing them to charitable work. If you aren't AA, maybe Jr. League has a young adult group like this where DD can learn how good, productive and network-based socializing with other young ladies works, while picking up valuable etiquette along the way.