Tween girl trying to fit in - advice, please

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to your you and your daughter. I taught for 9 years-5th and 6th grades, in a parochial school. I'm sure you realize that what your daughter wears is not the issue. Where I taught, kids wore uniforms, and these cliques still formed; lots of girls (and boys, but mostly girls) were cruel to others and seemed to thrive on leaving a few girls out, being very mean to them, and even getting other girls to treat these few terribly, too. Many times a girl suddenly hitting this age (10-12 when it seemed to begin) found that a previous best friend turned against her in this way.
Here's what I came to believe whenever these things occurred: the child suddenly left out and treated so cruelly is a sensitive, deep-feeling child. I'm betting you would describe your daughter this way. It's so hard, because the wonderful qualities your daughter has makes the behavior of the "mean girls" all the more painful, yet those very qualities are rare and so, so valuable! In other words, these gifts your daughter has make bullying (and make no mistake, verbal attacks as well as exclusionary behaviors with no specific name-calling or physical abuse IS bullying) even more difficult to endure--how can she wrap her head around behaviors so foreign to her basic nature?
Your challenge, mom, in my opinion, is to remind your daughter how valuable she is--just the way she is--and although life feels unbearable at times now, she will someday accomplish more in and for this world than most others.
Perhaps there are outside-of-school activities where she can meet other girls, too? Perhaps it would be beneficial to look into counseling (beware, though, to interview and find a good counselor--lots are a bit nuts I think)? If you know your daughter's teacher well enough, would she be an ally for your daughter?
Forgive any typos--I'm on a Nook and bad with the keyboard--but please remember the very qualities that seem to make her a target, of sorts, to girls without these great gifts (maybe they're jealous for reasons they don't even understand) ARE rare, wonderful qualities, too infrequently seen anymore.
Best wishes--I hope your daughter does well and that she (and you) get through this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is homeschooling an option?

No

And not the OP, but that should never be the go to answer to the problem. Why should the child hide? She needs to be given tools to learn to cope/deal/work her way out of this, not run away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to your you and your daughter. I taught for 9 years-5th and 6th grades, in a parochial school. I'm sure you realize that what your daughter wears is not the issue. Where I taught, kids wore uniforms, and these cliques still formed; lots of girls (and boys, but mostly girls) were cruel to others and seemed to thrive on leaving a few girls out, being very mean to them, and even getting other girls to treat these few terribly, too. Many times a girl suddenly hitting this age (10-12 when it seemed to begin) found that a previous best friend turned against her in this way.
Here's what I came to believe whenever these things occurred: the child suddenly left out and treated so cruelly is a sensitive, deep-feeling child. I'm betting you would describe your daughter this way. It's so hard, because the wonderful qualities your daughter has makes the behavior of the "mean girls" all the more painful, yet those very qualities are rare and so, so valuable! In other words, these gifts your daughter has make bullying (and make no mistake, verbal attacks as well as exclusionary behaviors with no specific name-calling or physical abuse IS bullying) even more difficult to endure--how can she wrap her head around behaviors so foreign to her basic nature?
Your challenge, mom, in my opinion, is to remind your daughter how valuable she is--just the way she is--and although life feels unbearable at times now, she will someday accomplish more in and for this world than most others.
Perhaps there are outside-of-school activities where she can meet other girls, too? Perhaps it would be beneficial to look into counseling (beware, though, to interview and find a good counselor--lots are a bit nuts I think)? If you know your daughter's teacher well enough, would she be an ally for your daughter?
Forgive any typos--I'm on a Nook and bad with the keyboard--but please remember the very qualities that seem to make her a target, of sorts, to girls without these great gifts (maybe they're jealous for reasons they don't even understand) ARE rare, wonderful qualities, too infrequently seen anymore.
Best wishes--I hope your daughter does well and that she (and you) get through this difficult time.

OP here -- thank you so much for this beautiful post! You raised great points -- and I needed reminding. Thank you for taking the time to share your insight!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the parent of a HS girl and am so glad that we are now past the mean girls stage -- really, it gets better. We were fortunate --my DD was neither bullied nor a bullier (which must also be painful for parents to witness); nonetheless, she benefitted, as do many girls, from the opportunity to form friendships outside of school. In my DD's case those friendships -- with girls on sports teams and from our church -- continue to be a wonderful support network. I'm still not sure why the outside-of-school setting is more conducive to supportive, loving friendships among girls, but it often seems to be the case. I would encourage you and your DD to explore opportunities for forging bonds with other girls through activities outside school -- one suggestion would be Girl Scouts. Although my DD never did scouting, a couple of her friends who have been scouts have had wonderful experiences with this. Good luck and hugs to you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

In my neighborhood, the mean girls said the designer things -- Vera Bradley, Hollister, A&F, Uggs "belonged" to them only. I had to explain to my 5th grader that there are 6 million Hollister stores! Nice try, mean girls.

[Anonymous]

stop trying. my bet is it is the trying that is getting her into trouble. there are lots of girls in the class who are much nicer than the popular ones. people never like the kid who tries too hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the parent of a HS girl and am so glad that we are now past the mean girls stage -- really, it gets better. We were fortunate --my DD was neither bullied nor a bullier (which must also be painful for parents to witness); nonetheless, she benefitted, as do many girls, from the opportunity to form friendships outside of school. In my DD's case those friendships -- with girls on sports teams and from our church -- continue to be a wonderful support network. I'm still not sure why the outside-of-school setting is more conducive to supportive, loving friendships among girls, but it often seems to be the case. I would encourage you and your DD to explore opportunities for forging bonds with other girls through activities outside school -- one suggestion would be Girl Scouts. Although my DD never did scouting, a couple of her friends who have been scouts have had wonderful experiences with this. Good luck and hugs to you and your DD.

OP here -- thank you! We are trying to expand on activities outside of school. DD is interested in music and has made some new friends through chorus and band (outside of school). (She used to be in Girl Scouts but it turned out to not be her thing.) Thanks for the reminder that this will sort itself by HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:stop trying. my bet is it is the trying that is getting her into trouble. there are lots of girls in the class who are much nicer than the popular ones. people never like the kid who tries too hard.

She isn't "trying too hard." She is very much an independent sort yet -- after a while -- the constant negative comments get to her. Thanks for the thought, though.

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader is having a somewhat tough time at school. She says she is not part of the popular group of kids (boys and girls) and the popular kids make negative comments to her and about her.

As an example, she says the popular girls all wear the same clothes. I bought her some nice clothes for Christmas and she loves the clothes. Yet when she wears them to school she says the popular kids still say bad things about her.

DD is not a follower in general (and I don't want to create a follower, either). What things can I do to best help her during this tough phase?

Considering she has only been back to school for two days, it's too early to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My 6th grader is having a somewhat tough time at school. She says she is not part of the popular group of kids (boys and girls) and the popular kids make negative comments to her and about her.

As an example, she says the popular girls all wear the same clothes. I bought her some nice clothes for Christmas and she loves the clothes. Yet when she wears them to school she says the popular kids still say bad things about her.

DD is not a follower in general (and I don't want to create a follower, either). What things can I do to best help her during this tough phase?

Considering she has only been back to school for two days, it's too early to worry.

True, she has only been wearing her new things for 3 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6th grader is having a somewhat tough time at school. She says she is not part of the popular group of kids (boys and girls) and the popular kids make negative comments to her and about her.

As an example, she says the popular girls all wear the same clothes. I bought her some nice clothes for Christmas and she loves the clothes. Yet when she wears them to school she says the popular kids still say bad things about her.

DD is not a follower in general (and I don't want to create a follower, either). What things can I do to best help her during this tough phase?

Ugh, I hated Jr. High. Assure her that High School is better, because in my experience (and most others I know) it totally is.

[Anonymous]

The popular kids are usually peer pressured into being mean to anyone who doesn't fit the criteria of what is "cool". I would suggest you keep encouraging her to be herself and not try to fit in. Unique is always more interesting than being like everyone else (that's boring). I'm fresh out of high school so I know what it may be like. Tell her keep her head high and don't be intimidated by them.

[Anonymous]

Hmm.. Trying to think back. I was very independent and neither bullied or a bullier but I'm sure some things were said about me. I was pretty but not in the standard way (more European) and I liked fashion so I was either a year ahead of the trend or was the first to catch on to trend. So, I did get made fun of by some girls but I made sure to rub it in when the next year they were all wearing what I wore the previous year. So, I would tell your daughter to stand up to their bs. If they say something about her clothes she should say "obviously I don't want to look like you. What's your point?" If she makes it hard for them and acts like they are just a nuisance they will back off and find an easier target.

Also, tell her this pretty much all goes away in college because colleges are so big people like those girls will get lost. Most people in college are like your daughter not the mean girls unless she wants to be in a sorority. Make sure she stays away from those types for sure.

I pretty much only have a few close friends but they are wonderful and all I need. As an adult I don't have any drama queen types, I really have no use or time for those. It's a waste of time to give the mean girls any power. They only have what you give them. This will help her professionally as well. this crap can happen in the office too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah...this is tough. I'm sure the mean kids, when they saw her new clothes said something like - 'Oh look at Susie, with her new brand name clothes; she's trying to look like us!' very sarcastically. You can't win with these types, and it's not worth trying.

I've taught in a number of different schools with different emphases on bullying. What I have noticed is that in the schools where they are very explicit about expectations for a positive school culture, there are still 'popular' and 'unpopular' kids. However, the popular kids just segregate and don't hang out with the other kids. They don't go out of their way to be mean to them and can work well during class when they need to. In the other schools, because it's allowed to happen, the kids are actively mean to kids who don't fit in in quite the same way.

Hope your DD powers through this. I know my own middle school experiences have made me a stronger person, if that helps any.

We actually did this. I emailed the school counselor, who then spoke with my daughter at school (privately), and the school counselor reached out to the teacher. (This was all before the holiday break.) The school counselor emailed me back and said that my daughter was not the only one reporting a problem in the class. So the counselor and the teacher did a lesson (as part of the monthly guidance lesson schedule) with a strict no-tolerance for bullying message. (No names were mentioned about the instigation for the lesson.) The class wrote their own "I believe . . ." form of a Bill of Rights for the class. I asked my daughter if she thought the lesson would help. She said she hoped so. (But who really knows?)

I told her I was proud of her for going to the counselor about this. I also told her since she was not the only one, this was not all in her head, and there were others that were probably too afraid to speak up, so what she did helped those kids, too.

Thanks for your advice and for the reminder that in the long term it will all blow over. Still hurts to watch it in the midst of things, though. (sigh)

Did your daughter get suspicious on why the school counselor called her into the office? Did you tell her you initiated the contact with the counselor?

[Anonymous]

My DD isn't bullied, but I was. Kids that bully are losers as are their parents, at least in my case the parents and kid were losers.

Regardless, one of DDs friends was having a tough time last year. The girl didn't have any friends, according to her mom. The mom requested her DD be in my DD class this year. I told my DD to make sure to include this child in all activities at school. DD has many friends including this girl. The mom told me that her DD is much happier knowing that she has a true friend in her class. I have taught DD to be a dependable and trustworthy friend. There are some girls and boys in her class that you can tell are losers and I tell DD what I think of these kids. One thing I can't stand is a loser kid and economics has nothing to do with it.

I feel bad for your daughter. The next 2 years will be rough. 7 and 8 grade sucked! HS will be awesome, though! Helping her to cultivate her own deep friendships is a great gift. Empower her with love and the knowledge that kids who think they are better are broken inside and that is sad, so sad, but their reality, not hers. Good luck!