Tween girl trying to fit in - advice, please

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader is having a somewhat tough time at school. She says she is not part of the popular group of kids (boys and girls) and the popular kids make negative comments to her and about her.

As an example, she says the popular girls all wear the same clothes. I bought her some nice clothes for Christmas and she loves the clothes. Yet when she wears them to school she says the popular kids still say bad things about her.

DD is not a follower in general (and I don't want to create a follower, either). What things can I do to best help her during this tough phase?

[Anonymous]

I am not a fan of buying trendy clothes to please the popular girls but there are times when it's important to have a few of the right things, or at least not the WRONG things, to fit in. Do you think her new things are too "young"? I think this is typical in 6th grade when kids are at all different places.

I strongly suggest reading Queen Bees and Wannabees. This was a very enlightening read for me. It gives a lot of concrete suggestions for helping your child deal with this sort of dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a fan of buying trendy clothes to please the popular girls but there are times when it's important to have a few of the right things, or at least not the WRONG things, to fit in. Do you think her new things are too "young"? I think this is typical in 6th grade when kids are at all different places.

I strongly suggest reading Queen Bees and Wannabees. This was a very enlightening read for me. It gives a lot of concrete suggestions for helping your child deal with this sort of dynamic.

We went shopping together at Delia's before Christmas and bought some sweaters so she could "layer" things. She also has some nice boots (from Nordstrom) that she loves with jeans. She also has a new jean jacket (from American Eagle). She has some new print shirts from JohnnieB (Boden). She really dislikes Justice ("too much glitter") and I have been intentionally trying to avoid the more basic/plain looks from Lands End/LL Bean.

Thanks very much for the book recommendation. I'm ordering it now.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- sounds like clothes aren't the issue! My 6th grader is always asking for Aeropostale and Hollister but those things sounds very nice and age-appropriate. Agreed about Justice -- it's more for 4th and 5th graders.

Does she have good friends, just not the "popular" kids? If so, I would also help her/encourage her to try to shore up those relationships. DD went through this at the very end of 5th and she was able to get support from a couple of close friends and get through it.

Are the kids who are bugging her kids she knew in ES, or a new group?

[Anonymous]

Is homeschooling an option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- sounds like clothes aren't the issue! My 6th grader is always asking for Aeropostale and Hollister but those things sounds very nice and age-appropriate. Agreed about Justice -- it's more for 4th and 5th graders.

Does she have good friends, just not the "popular" kids? If so, I would also help her/encourage her to try to shore up those relationships. DD went through this at the very end of 5th and she was able to get support from a couple of close friends and get through it.

Are the kids who are bugging her kids she knew in ES, or a new group?

She has a few friends, but this year (6th grade) they got split up into different classes so she does not see them frequently. I like your idea of shoring up those relationships. We can schedule some sleepovers/weekend trips to the movies to help. She's also in some new activities after school, so we can foster some new friendships as well.

And these kids have been in her school for several years. (We're in FCPS and she's in an AAP center.)

Thanks so much for the great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is homeschooling an option?

No

[Anonymous]

Yeah...this is tough. I'm sure the mean kids, when they saw her new clothes said something like - 'Oh look at Susie, with her new brand name clothes; she's trying to look like us!' very sarcastically. You can't win with these types, and it's not worth trying.

I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter. I agree that your daughter should focus on other friendships and interests. It's ok if she's a band 'geek' or whatever. I spent a good part of my youth trying to be one of the cool kids and likely missed out on some friendships with people who actually wanted to be my friend.

I might also talk to the guidance counselor. It's awkward at this age to write up a bullying report for what are likely group-think and not really major infractions (although I know they feel major), and you don't want to make the situation worse for your daughter. But, it sounds like the school needs to do more in terms of a zero tolerance policy on bullying and teasing.

I've taught in a number of different schools with different emphases on bullying. What I have noticed is that in the schools where they are very explicit about expectations for a positive school culture, there are still 'popular' and 'unpopular' kids. However, the popular kids just segregate and don't hang out with the other kids. They don't go out of their way to be mean to them and can work well during class when they need to. In the other schools, because it's allowed to happen, the kids are actively mean to kids who don't fit in in quite the same way.

Hope your DD powers through this. I know my own middle school experiences have made me a stronger person, if that helps any.

[Anonymous]

Queen Bees and Wannabees will be a big help. From what I recall, it will help you give your daughter the tools to stick up for herself. While the school can help some; your DD can help herself even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah...this is tough. I'm sure the mean kids, when they saw her new clothes said something like - 'Oh look at Susie, with her new brand name clothes; she's trying to look like us!' very sarcastically. You can't win with these types, and it's not worth trying.

I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter. I agree that your daughter should focus on other friendships and interests. It's ok if she's a band 'geek' or whatever. I spent a good part of my youth trying to be one of the cool kids and likely missed out on some friendships with people who actually wanted to be my friend.

I might also talk to the guidance counselor. It's awkward at this age to write up a bullying report for what are likely group-think and not really major infractions (although I know they feel major), and you don't want to make the situation worse for your daughter. But, it sounds like the school needs to do more in terms of a zero tolerance policy on bullying and teasing.

I've taught in a number of different schools with different emphases on bullying. What I have noticed is that in the schools where they are very explicit about expectations for a positive school culture, there are still 'popular' and 'unpopular' kids. However, the popular kids just segregate and don't hang out with the other kids. They don't go out of their way to be mean to them and can work well during class when they need to. In the other schools, because it's allowed to happen, the kids are actively mean to kids who don't fit in in quite the same way.

Hope your DD powers through this. I know my own middle school experiences have made me a stronger person, if that helps any.

We actually did this. I emailed the school counselor, who then spoke with my daughter at school (privately), and the school counselor reached out to the teacher. (This was all before the holiday break.) The school counselor emailed me back and said that my daughter was not the only one reporting a problem in the class. So the counselor and the teacher did a lesson (as part of the monthly guidance lesson schedule) with a strict no-tolerance for bullying message. (No names were mentioned about the instigation for the lesson.) The class wrote their own "I believe . . ." form of a Bill of Rights for the class. I asked my daughter if she thought the lesson would help. She said she hoped so. (But who really knows?)

I told her I was proud of her for going to the counselor about this. I also told her since she was not the only one, this was not all in her head, and there were others that were probably too afraid to speak up, so what she did helped those kids, too.

You raise an important point that "the right clothes" probably won't change anything. I just hope some of it will help her blend in more (if that makes any sense).

Thanks for your advice and for the reminder that in the long term it will all blow over. Still hurts to watch it in the midst of things, though. (sigh)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Queen Bees and Wannabees will be a big help. From what I recall, it will help you give your daughter the tools to stick up for herself. While the school can help some; your DD can help herself even more.

Thanks! Amazon is doing their "it will ship soon" thing as I type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah...this is tough. I'm sure the mean kids, when they saw her new clothes said something like - 'Oh look at Susie, with her new brand name clothes; she's trying to look like us!' very sarcastically. You can't win with these types, and it's not worth trying.

I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter. I agree that your daughter should focus on other friendships and interests. It's ok if she's a band 'geek' or whatever. I spent a good part of my youth trying to be one of the cool kids and likely missed out on some friendships with people who actually wanted to be my friend.

I might also talk to the guidance counselor. It's awkward at this age to write up a bullying report for what are likely group-think and not really major infractions (although I know they feel major), and you don't want to make the situation worse for your daughter. But, it sounds like the school needs to do more in terms of a zero tolerance policy on bullying and teasing.

I've taught in a number of different schools with different emphases on bullying. What I have noticed is that in the schools where they are very explicit about expectations for a positive school culture, there are still 'popular' and 'unpopular' kids. However, the popular kids just segregate and don't hang out with the other kids. They don't go out of their way to be mean to them and can work well during class when they need to. In the other schools, because it's allowed to happen, the kids are actively mean to kids who don't fit in in quite the same way.

Hope your DD powers through this. I know my own middle school experiences have made me a stronger person, if that helps any.

We actually did this. I emailed the school counselor, who then spoke with my daughter at school (privately), and the school counselor reached out to the teacher. (This was all before the holiday break.) The school counselor emailed me back and said that my daughter was not the only one reporting a problem in the class. So the counselor and the teacher did a lesson (as part of the monthly guidance lesson schedule) with a strict no-tolerance for bullying message. (No names were mentioned about the instigation for the lesson.) The class wrote their own "I believe . . ." form of a Bill of Rights for the class. I asked my daughter if she thought the lesson would help. She said she hoped so. (But who really knows?)

I told her I was proud of her for going to the counselor about this. I also told her since she was not the only one, this was not all in her head, and there were others that were probably too afraid to speak up, so what she did helped those kids, too.

You raise an important point that "the right clothes" probably won't change anything. I just hope some of it will help her blend in more (if that makes any sense).

Thanks for your advice and for the reminder that in the long term it will all blow over. Still hurts to watch it in the midst of things, though. (sigh)

PP here - Kudos to your daughter for talking to the counselor. It's great that the school responded. What I would continue to monitor is the day-to-day enforcement of that zero tolerance policy. Is it just brought up once in a while during a special session, or it is woven into the school's every day culture? Are there certain things teachers are doing to make things worse unintentionally - how they form groups for projects or team sports, are there large periods of unsupervised/unstructured free time, etc.? Do teachers watch for and come down hard when they witness someone being disrespectful? If it's happening to more than just your child, it really seems like a school culture issue.

How does DD respond at the time that these kids make comments to her? Does she have kids to sit with at lunch? I'm really sorry your daughter is going through this - I know it can be painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP here - Kudos to your daughter for talking to the counselor. It's great that the school responded. What I would continue to monitor is the day-to-day enforcement of that zero tolerance policy. Is it just brought up once in a while during a special session, or it is woven into the school's every day culture? Are there certain things teachers are doing to make things worse unintentionally - how they form groups for projects or team sports, are there large periods of unsupervised/unstructured free time, etc.? Do teachers watch for and come down hard when they witness someone being disrespectful? If it's happening to more than just your child, it really seems like a school culture issue.

How does DD respond at the time that these kids make comments to her? Does she have kids to sit with at lunch? I'm really sorry your daughter is going through this - I know it can be painful.

OP here -- this is all great advice, thank you!

My daughter said her teacher spoke with her (privately) again today, reiterating that if anything is said by classmates/other kids, she should let the teacher/counselor know right away. Evidently there was another incident (not with my DD) yesterday that resulted in one of the boys ending up in the principal's office.

DD usually responds along the lines of "I don't like it when you call me names. It's not nice. I don't deserve it." I'm looking forward to receiving the Queen Bees book as it sounds like I will learn some other approaches for her to use at school.

DD does have friends to sit with at lunch. She usually has her nose in a book, though. (Not sure how to change that.)

Thanks again to the PPs for all the great advice! Please share more as this is really helping me.

[Anonymous]

Don't change her, if she prefers books so be it. She's doing ok standing up for herself from what you posted, but unfortunately there will always be an in crowd that makes comments, you cannot prevent that part.

[Anonymous]

We've got to empower our dd's to have their own zero-tolerance policy toward being treated badly by their peers. Kudos to the pp's daughter who went to the counselor and kick-started the adults taking charge of bad behavior. (My own DD is on the receiving end of a good deal of mean-girl behavior this school year.)

At the risk of taking the point too far, I would encourage you to read the thread about the Ohio rape and related social media bragging that took place recently. To me, it seems like the grotesque end-point of allowing our children to bully and torment each other. The teens in that case abused a classmate in the most gruesome ways (while others watched, laughed and took videos). We must put an end to the ways in which kids are allowed to de-value each other. It has to stop.