MIL insists on buying big gifts for kids, without checking if they need/want/already have it - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with19:13. Accept the generosity and be grateful. My MIL has never bought our kids anything. Why are ppl so damn picky about stupid toys?? There is more to life.

that's exactly WHY you don't understand the frustration that OP is feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're rocking a plastic Dora kitchen from the grandparents, and learning to love it. I think strategically you have to go with positive pressure-don't say, oh check with us first, say (or have DH say) oh you know what we wish we could get DC, because she would think it was so amazing-and then plant the seed.

If it was something really outrageous, I could see returning/exchanging/donating, but for the examples you gave I would just suck it up and keep the ugly kitchen and the extra trike (one for a visiting friend!).

Doormat.

Wow. That was incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

Where space is the issue, I agree with the suggestion that you offer to store the stuff at the grandparents' house. But where the issue is that you preferred a different one, I say take the gift and be glad you don't have to buy one. It may not be specifically what you wanted, but in the end it's just another "thing" that's going to end up in a landfill anyway, whether it's a stroller of whatever make/model or a toy kitchen, or anything else. A

ccepting the gift graciously seems more important than having the perfect mass-produced item. And it teaches your kids that it really isn't the object that matters, but the fact of the gift itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you wish she had asked about gifts because you already purchased a kitchen for DD's birthday and ask if she would like to keep the one she bought at her house for DD to play with or would she like to return it. Same for the tricycle. Say you have one already and hate to see the one she bought go to waste.

Brilliant. You can say it's an online order, or in store ready for pickup.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL is just like this too, and I totally understand your pain. It is so tough. I haven't gotten it quite figured out either, but just wanted to send empathy!!!

[Anonymous]

Where space is the issue, I agree with the suggestion that you offer to store the stuff at the grandparents' house. But where the issue is that you preferred a different one, I say take the gift and be glad you don't have to buy one. It may not be specifically what you wanted, but in the end it's just another "thing" that's going to end up in a landfill anyway, whether it's a stroller of whatever make/model or a toy kitchen, or anything else. A

ccepting the gift graciously seems more important than having the perfect mass-produced item. And it teaches your kids that it really isn't the object that matters, but the fact of the gift itself.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

OP: to all the posters who said, "just be grateful!" -- they do not know what you are going thru. MIL is NOT being generous-- she is indulging herself with your kids. You have told her what you think/would like and she is completely disregarded that. Use your savvy, and remember they are your kids; they do not need a plastic kitchen, ect. It broke/was dangerous is an unassailable arguement. (So many plastic things from China are questionable, bikes break, stuff happens to toys, etc) I know it is very hard when you are struggling financially, as we were, when the DCs were young, to send some expensive thing away, but think of the joy it will bring a poor kid who gets it from a charity. Passive agressive becomes beautiful gift -- for someone else. Best of luck. It is unlikely that your DH will understand. It is a guy thing with their moms.

[Anonymous]

I was prepared to think "Oh, OP just needs to let it go." But I would have been very unhappy about the kitchen. I pick my battles, but that's something I would have addressed simply by telling her the truth and asking her to take your feelings into consideration. No need to be dramatic or have a fight.

"I was really excited about the play kitchen I'd picked out for DD's birthday. I'm disappointed that now I can't give her the gift I'd chosen, and frustrated that I have to find another gift. I wish you would reconsider and let me and DH know what you have in mind for gifts so we can avoid circumstances like this in the future."

I know a lot of people on DCUM say that DH's need to deal with their families, and in a perfect world that would happen. Sometimes, though, it's best to just be direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you wish she had asked about gifts because you already purchased a kitchen for DD's birthday and ask if she would like to keep the one she bought at her house for DD to play with or would she like to return it. Same for the tricycle. Say you have one already and hate to see the one she bought go to waste.

Brilliant. You can say it's an online order, or in store ready for pickup.

9:55 here. I love this PP's suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Does MIL live close by that she delivers the gifts herself or does she ship them?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to deal with this. I'm a DH myself and have had to have similar conversations with my parents. Maybe next year you can set a spending limit (total amount of gifts not to exceed $100 or whatever is appropriate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you wish she had asked about gifts because you already purchased a kitchen for DD's birthday and ask if she would like to keep the one she bought at her house for DD to play with or would she like to return it. Same for the tricycle. Say you have one already and hate to see the one she bought go to waste.

Brilliant. You can say it's an online order, or in store ready for pickup.

This is a good one too!! I like this one and will use it myself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to deal with this. I'm a DH myself and have had to have similar conversations with my parents. Maybe next year you can set a spending limit (total amount of gifts not to exceed $100 or whatever is appropriate).

I wish ppl would STOP saying this -- if her DH were capable of dealing with it appropriately, it would not be happening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you use a stroller you hate? You've let this go on way too far. Just say "shoot, we already had one picked out. I hope you kept the receipt" and hand her back whatever you don't want. Done. No drama.

OP here. This is so easy to say. But the "no drama" part is just not reality. It would cause drama and she knows I know it, and because I know it, I'd be the one who knowingly started it. I'm pretty far from being a doormat but this is a family member and I do care about my DH's stress level and well-being. Although, if the stroller thing happened now I would react differently than I did 5 years ago, because I have been to this rodeo one too many times by now. I believe my MIL BELIEVES she has good intentions, even though I don't necessarily believe she has good intentions (if that makes sense). Fortunately I think I've gotten DH on my side by showing him this thread, and he's going to talk to her before DD's birthday next month. He's not always easy to convince but once he is convinced he is pretty good at saying what needs to be said.

It's great that you got DH on your side, but you also need to put down the rope in this game of tug-of-war. Your MIL can create all the drama she wants -- if you and DH are a united front, you can both agree to let it roll off your backs. When the drama she slings doesn't stick to anything, she'll learn that doesn't get her what she wants and she'll stop (or she won't but you won't care, because it truly doesn't bother you). THAT'S what "no drama" means.

You've gotten a lot of great sample responses. Accept the gifts you can -- when you've already purchased/selected something, let her know so she can return it/donate it/whatever. If she pitches a fit, "I'm so sorry you feel this way. If you'll touch base before you buy these things in the future, we'll be happy to let you know what the kids already have." Repeat as needed.

It may not be easy, but it is as simple as that.