MIL insists on buying big gifts for kids, without checking if they need/want/already have it - WWYD?
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Anonymous
| I think you should be appreciative that your MIL wants to buy nice gifts for you and your children. If she just picks stuff off a list where is the joy for her? So what if the play kitchen is plastic? Save the money for college not a silly toy. |
Anonymous
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Re: the kitchen, don't let her take that away from you. You might have to be known as the bitchy daughter in-law but oh well. She's being super passive aggressive!
You should give away it sell the items you don't want/need instead of getting angry every time you use them |
Anonymous
| Get the unwanted presents out of your house ASAP. Don't involved your DH. When he asks, say it broke/was dangerous. If he is standing by now, likely he won't help you against his mother. He will tell you you are being overly dramamtic. Leave the gift at Grannys or donate it. In our culture, material objects have great power -- get them away from you and enjoy your kids happiness in the things you want them to have. My MIL did the same thing. I never knew that other people just donated unwanted presents. I know now. |
Anonymous
| Why on earth would you use a stroller you hate? You've let this go on way too far. Just say "shoot, we already had one picked out. I hope you kept the receipt" and hand her back whatever you don't want. Done. No drama. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is so easy to say. But the "no drama" part is just not reality. It would cause drama and she knows I know it, and because I know it, I'd be the one who knowingly started it. I'm pretty far from being a doormat but this is a family member and I do care about my DH's stress level and well-being. Although, if the stroller thing happened now I would react differently than I did 5 years ago, because I have been to this rodeo one too many times by now. I believe my MIL BELIEVES she has good intentions, even though I don't necessarily believe she has good intentions (if that makes sense). Fortunately I think I've gotten DH on my side by showing him this thread, and he's going to talk to her before DD's birthday next month. He's not always easy to convince but once he is convinced he is pretty good at saying what needs to be said. |
Anonymous
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You also need to be proactive - if you're planning to get a kitchen next month, you should not just send her a wishlist, but you should send a specific email with the list of items that you will be getting. Then if they bring that item, you can cheerfully respond that you've already picked out x and would she like to keep this at her house?
I agree it's annoying though. |
Anonymous
| What would I do? Say, "Thanks!" Then get and use a different stroller/playhouse/etc. if I would prefer something else. |
Anonymous
Don't do this. It will make you sound like a controlling bitch. Don't suck all the joy out of being a grandparent. For the trike say, "Thank you so much! DD loves the one she has that's just like this. Now she'll have one to enjoy at your house, too." For the kitchen, just suck it up and use the one she gave you. We've gotten plenty of children's gifts that I wanted to return but ended up liking in the end. |
Anonymous
| If OP and her DH don't stop this shit now, where will it end? |
Anonymous
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Once you say something, you'll feel so much better. My MIL insisted on buying my 5 YO a make-up kit after I actually told her not to because it's too hard letting her play with it AND keeping it away from her younger sister. I usually just put my "going out" make-up (which I hope is safer since it's better quality) on them when we play dress-up. Luckily, it came from Amazon so I was able to intercept it before my DD saw it. I told my MIL that I decided not to give it to her and repeated what I'd told her earlier. Then I donated it to Toys for Tots.
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Anonymous
| I'd love a MIL like that. Can you please send her our way? |
Anonymous
| Agree with19:13. Accept the generosity and be grateful. My MIL has never bought our kids anything. Why are ppl so damn picky about stupid toys?? There is more to life. |
Anonymous
| Say thank you and then donate/sell/regift/whatever and get what you want. Your MIL is being passive aggressive but at the end of the day, you can't tell people what to buy for you if they haven't asked. No obligation to use anything you don't want though. If you think she is will notice, just tell MIL you had one already and ask her if she wants to keep the new one at her house for the kids to play with there. My parents have a ton of toys for my DC to play with at their house and he loves loves loves going because he has a whole great set of fun toys there. |
Anonymous
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Do we share a MIL? I posted on this exact topic when my child was a few months old. Over the years I've learned to manage it. My husband hates conflict - and it turns out he can handle conflict with me better than conflict with his mother so guess who wimps out when it comes to drawing some lines? It sucks and is dysfunctional but I've learned where and how to draw the line.
First, just come to terms with accepting some things, and giving her some room to give big. You may (justly) question her motives, but just stop doing that for some things. Let her give a big ole' gift or two. If you object to everything, you're probably being a little bit of a bitch (even if she's being a much bigger bitch). Hard as it is, let some things go. That said, you absolutely have the right to draw the line wherever you need to draw it. And I know it isn't easy to do that. My issue was that even if MIL knew - like absolutely KNEW - we already had something, she'd still buy a replacement. and I'd say "well, he already has a kitchen set, Sandy," and she'd say "but this one is plastic so it wipes clean! and it has lights and the food talks!" And DS was at the age where he's express an interest in playing with anything so he'd be like "see, he likes it better!" Enter DH saying nothing as I think, "if he doesn't speak up I'm going to scream!" and then just continuing to fume as he doesn't speak up. So I just started saying no myself. For me, I'd say "Please take it easy on the battery operated stuff. DS loves to make the noises himself anyway." No matter how gentle you are with what you say, MIL will probably be offended, because yeah, you're kind of micromanaging her gifts. But we live 2k miles from MIL and I STILL pull the "this is living at your house" card as needed. I will say one major benefit is that as I stand up to DH's mom (kindly as possible, of course) he's kind of starting to realize it can be done, and has actually weighed in independently of me forcing him to, when a gift gets given that we object to. Again, we try not to be dicks about it. But it still comes up. And DH is now like "nah, we're not really into toy guns / trampolines / letc. sorry" |
Anonymous
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OP I did not read all the posts but my MIL is EXACTLY LIKE YOURS. You have to remember that it's all ABOUT HER and NOT about you or the grandkids. She gets some satisfaction out of suprising people, buying things, and getting ohhhhs and awwwwws.
DO NOT depend on your DH to stand up to MIL. My DH also hates conflict like previous poster and will not peep a word to his mother, esp when he thinks the gifts are fine and she is generous. But I can see through it and I know MIL does it for her own shopping addiction and satisfaction. Since MIL gets pleasure from buying these "gifts", I dont think anything you say or do will curb the behavior too much. If I were you, I would accept most things, then give them away. That's what I do. If it's clothes or something fairly small, I just give it to charity. If it's a big ticket item, then its kind of another story. I always try to "foresee" what MIL might buy and one up her ahead of time. For example, DD is at the age where she might want a play kitchen and dollhouse, so when I see MIL, I talk and go on and on about this BEAUTIFUL dollhouse I have saved on Amazon to order for her the minute she is old enough, etc. Then MIL kind of "gets it" and will not buy the item. Also, just a side note -- why are MIL's OBSESSED with buying horrible big plastic kitchens??? mine is too!! |