MIL insists on buying big gifts for kids, without checking if they need/want/already have it - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a fan of the large/dramatic gift. Often it's more tailored toward getting her attention than whether the receiver really wants/needs it, but that's another post. For example, when I was pregnant, she went out and bought me a fancy for my baby shower, and of course made a big show of presenting it. It was a nice stroller, but I had already put a lot of thought into that purchase and planned to buy a different one more suited to my needs and preferences (for myself -- I didn't ask her for it.) I felt like I couldn't return the one she bought, but I couldn't justify -- or store -- two strollers, so I was stuck. I resent her every time I use the damn thing to this day.

Now she is doing the same thing with the kids for Christmas. She won't ask us what they want/need or even run an idea by us. We've sent her their amazon wish lists and she ignores them. She wants everything to be a huge surprise, and the whole family has to ooh and aah over it. This year she bought DD1 a big plastic play kitchen. I am so pissed. I had already picked out a super cute wooden one that is the perfect size and color for our house to buy for DD's birthday next month, and I was SO excited to buy it. Now I can't. MIL bought DD2 a tricycle. If she had asked she would know that we already have an almost identical (but actually better) one that we got as a hand me down a few months ago, as well as a balance bike and a scooter. Now we have to use the one MIL bought instead of the many riding things already overflowing our garage.

I know you're supposed to just grin and accept these in-law gifts, but I am getting sick of being pre-empted out of buying the things I have chosen. Yes I know I could buy two, but it would be terribly wasteful, and we don't have space for a lot of big things, and MIL visits often enough to know if I get rid of the one she bought. She gives everything already put together under the tree so it's not like it could be easily returned, and she never offers a gift receipt or anything.

Would it be terrible to just give her a heads-up that in the future she might want to check with us before buying and putting together large gifts for the kids? We hate for her to waste her hard-earned money on something they already have or something we have already chosen for a reason she does not know about (e.g. space, color, etc.) DH would be the one to say it of course, but she would know it comes from both of us.

[Anonymous]

This is for your husband to deal with. He needs to just tell her.

[Anonymous]

Quit using the crap she buys, use what you have chosen and explain you have already picked out, bought, have whatever it is. Tell her in advance what you're getting so she doesn't waste her time and money. If she keeps it up, return (if possible) or donate her gifts.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely think that you can say something. My grandparents apparently were the worst at this. My mom promised not to do so with my kids. We communicate often, and I've occasionally nixed ideas.

DH needs to take the lead since it's his mom and make it clear that anything over X dollars, or whatever you choose as your white line, must be cleared with you in advance. IN our case I use the size of our house. But, I"ve also pointed out that they got the fun of buying their child's first bike or whatever, and I want that same right with my kids.

[Anonymous]

This is for your husband to deal with. He needs to just tell her. I'd venture she'll blame you anyway. In the long run, this isn't a big deal, just an annoyance. My MIL barely buys mine anything. It's not her thing, buying gifts. I have to specifically ask. The kitchen thing would annoy me too.

My Mom buys my kids clothes and I've sometimes had to just tell her I like to pick them out. It gets on her nerves. Now she sometimes just goes Online with me and lets me choose, but that's my Mom, not my MIL.

[Anonymous]

It is fine to return or donate or sell. Once gift is given and thankyous made itbis yours to dovwith as you please. By all means i would try to discuss and open the communication but dont feel bad if she ignores and you exchange.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you wish she had asked about gifts because you already purchased a kitchen for DD's birthday and ask if she would like to keep the one she bought at her house for DD to play with or would she like to return it. Same for the tricycle. Say you have one already and hate to see the one she bought go to waste.

[Anonymous]

We're rocking a plastic Dora kitchen from the grandparents, and learning to love it. I think strategically you have to go with positive pressure-don't say, oh check with us first, say (or have DH say) oh you know what we wish we could get DC, because she would think it was so amazing-and then plant the seed.

If it was something really outrageous, I could see returning/exchanging/donating, but for the examples you gave I would just suck it up and keep the ugly kitchen and the extra trike (one for a visiting friend!).

[Anonymous]

You need to get your husband on board and have him make the talk happen. "Mom, you really have to talk to Lisa about this stuff - she plans out what she wants the kids to get based on what we already have and what we have space for in our house. I don't want to hurt your feelings but we're going to have to return stuff. PLEASE check in with me or Lisa before buying in the future."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you wish she had asked about gifts because you already purchased a kitchen for DD's birthday and ask if she would like to keep the one she bought at her house for DD to play with or would she like to return it. Same for the tricycle. Say you have one already and hate to see the one she bought go to waste.

Do this.

My MIL is the queen of overbuying. My SIL mastered this technique to an art. What finesse she had in managing not to bring more than one of the 15 or so gifted toys home with her each holiday, without hurting the givers feelings.

Have your husband step in and run interferance and get that kitchen either back at MIL's house, or donated to someone who appreciates it.

She shouldn't be able to trump your big gift. Husband needs to man up on this one.

[Anonymous]

Agree that DH has to be the one to have the conversation. We just have a blanket rule in out (TINY) house - any toy that can't fit in the palm of your hand (with the exception of books) has to be pre-approved or it lives at Grandma's for the child to play with. We told everyone that we just don't have space for all the stuff, and they understand.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through this with my parents but my parents are a little crazy and the discussions always turned in to big fights with them telling me that I'm an ungrateful person. HOWEVER, it needs to be addressed. Mine have had to be addressed several times. My main issues are that first of all the young kids have no idea how much things cost. A book or a wand or whatever can be just has huge to a child as a kitchen. I would prefer her to buy a craft that she can then do with the kids (TIME is the most valuable gift). Second, like the other poster It freaken drives me nuts when they get the big gift that we wanted to get...Like a Bike or something like that. They have already had their chance when they were parents of their own children (you), now it is your chance to call the shots. Have your husband say something ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a fan of the large/dramatic gift. Often it's more tailored toward getting her attention than whether the receiver really wants/needs it, but that's another post. For example, when I was pregnant, she went out and bought me a fancy for my baby shower, and of course made a big show of presenting it. It was a nice stroller, but I had already put a lot of thought into that purchase and planned to buy a different one more suited to my needs and preferences (for myself -- I didn't ask her for it.) I felt like I couldn't return the one she bought, but I couldn't justify -- or store -- two strollers, so I was stuck. I resent her every time I use the damn thing to this day.

Now she is doing the same thing with the kids for Christmas. She won't ask us what they want/need or even run an idea by us. We've sent her their amazon wish lists and she ignores them. She wants everything to be a huge surprise, and the whole family has to ooh and aah over it. This year she bought DD1 a big plastic play kitchen. I am so pissed. I had already picked out a super cute wooden one that is the perfect size and color for our house to buy for DD's birthday next month, and I was SO excited to buy it. Now I can't. MIL bought DD2 a tricycle. If she had asked she would know that we already have an almost identical (but actually better) one that we got as a hand me down a few months ago, as well as a balance bike and a scooter. Now we have to use the one MIL bought instead of the many riding things already overflowing our garage.

I know you're supposed to just grin and accept these in-law gifts, but I am getting sick of being pre-empted out of buying the things I have chosen. Yes I know I could buy two, but it would be terribly wasteful, and we don't have space for a lot of big things, and MIL visits often enough to know if I get rid of the one she bought. She gives everything already put together under the tree so it's not like it could be easily returned, and she never offers a gift receipt or anything.

Would it be terrible to just give her a heads-up that in the future she might want to check with us before buying and putting together large gifts for the kids? We hate for her to waste her hard-earned money on something they already have or something we have already chosen for a reason she does not know about (e.g. space, color, etc.) DH would be the one to say it of course, but she would know it comes from both of us.

Do your in-laws live in the area? We told our parents if they bought DD anything over a certain size, it would be staying at their house, and DD could play with it when she came for a visit. You could explain to them that buying your DD a gift that was too large to keep is not a "thoughtful gift" but rather a recipe for heartbreak when they are inevitably forced to give it up.

[Anonymous]

Ug, that sucks! Is there any way you could tell her that the new kitchen wouldn't fit? Or keep that one outside and get the nice wooden one for inside? And you should definitely tell her you already have a tricycle. If you can't take back the ones she bought, maybe you could donate them. You could ask your DH to talk to her about it so she's not surprised when she sees that her gift isn't there. My ILs always buy us ridiculous, innapropriate gifts for DS, but fortunately since they mail them and we can return them. And I let DH deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're rocking a plastic Dora kitchen from the grandparents, and learning to love it. I think strategically you have to go with positive pressure-don't say, oh check with us first, say (or have DH say) oh you know what we wish we could get DC, because she would think it was so amazing-and then plant the seed.

If it was something really outrageous, I could see returning/exchanging/donating, but for the examples you gave I would just suck it up and keep the ugly kitchen and the extra trike (one for a visiting friend!).

Doormat.