Grace Before Dinner -- Appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people cannot eat without saying grace. We have friends who do this at restaurants. I respect it, but I dont' do this myself. When we have been out to dinner with them, we all say grace. I figure it is more important for them to say grace than for us to not say it.

I have a friend who will not eat without saying grace, but he does so quietly to himself.

[Anonymous]

How sad. If you are offended then don't pray. Excuse yourself or stand there quietly. Someone saying grace has nothing to do with you or converting you to anything. If you pray before meals then you pray before meals. That doesn't change just because someone might get upset.

So walk away, step back, or just stand there looking dumb if it happens again. No one will care because it is not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How sad. If you are offended then don't pray. Excuse yourself or stand there quietly. Someone saying grace has nothing to do with you or converting you to anything. If you pray before meals then you pray before meals. That doesn't change just because someone might get upset.

So walk away, step back, or just stand there looking dumb if it happens again. No one will care because it is not about you.

I usually feel that people who have to make a big show out of saying grace, are usually doing it for the show.

LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M CHRISTIAN!!! I AM SAYING GRACE!!!!

They are also the people who post on Facebook around this time. ATTENTION!!! I AM AT A SOUP KITCHEN!!!!!

Very rare do people say grace at every meal, those who do - do it quiet and don't need to make a big show. It's not about me, it's about them. It's about their day to day belief which isn't a December 25th thing. It's a yearly 3 meals a day thing.

[Anonymous]

This was inappropriate of him and inconsiderate, but IMHO probably not intended to be (as OP pointed out). My guess is that he is used to being the "head of the family who says grace" and just did it out of habit. Maybe he really likes that role.

It was, however, inconsiderate because it was at your house. If he wanted to say grace to himself, he should have done so privately and/or silently. Making everyone hold hands is particularly offensive, as if people just bow their heads, they can choose whether or not to do so.

Unless there's a history of him being upset with his son's lack of religion, I'm guessing it was not meant to upset anyone, and certainly not the Jewish people at the table.

At the next event, as PP suggested, have your DH quietly explain ahead of time that he will lead the pre-dinner "grace" or simply that he will lead with a toast and that the two of you prefer not to have a religious prayer. If he wants to do so himself, of course, he is welcome to privately. Maybe point out in particular that it might not be welcomed by guests who are not Christian. Perhaps he has no idea and would be enlightened to hear this.

I would not bring it up until the next occasion, though. It's probably not worth making a big deal out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How sad. If you are offended then don't pray. Excuse yourself or stand there quietly. Someone saying grace has nothing to do with you or converting you to anything. If you pray before meals then you pray before meals. That doesn't change just because someone might get upset.

So walk away, step back, or just stand there looking dumb if it happens again. No one will care because it is not about you.

I usually feel that people who have to make a big show out of saying grace, are usually doing it for the show.

LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M CHRISTIAN!!! I AM SAYING GRACE!!!!

They are also the people who post on Facebook around this time. ATTENTION!!! I AM AT A SOUP KITCHEN!!!!!

Very rare do people say grace at every meal, those who do - do it quiet and don't need to make a big show. It's not about me, it's about them. It's about their day to day belief which isn't a December 25th thing. It's a yearly 3 meals a day thing.

Once again saying grace has nothing to do with what you think of it. If I say grace quietly its because I am by myself. If I am with my family, then it will be aloud because I am not sending the message that its ok to say it as a family at home, but in public we should be afraid.

But if I am by myself or in mixed company I am still going to say grace. Even if its a business meeting. But I will do it quietly because I don't join hands in prayer when I don't know who the other person is praying to. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else. I pray before every meal.

At big family meals, that is what we do as well. If my son married someone who took offense, then I would give her the same advice- excuse yourself, step back, or stand there looking stupid.

[Anonymous]

Yes. The hand-holding would have bugged me. I have no objection to people praying publicly, but I am an atheist and I do not wish to participate.

[Anonymous]

At big family meals, that is what we do as well. If my son married someone who took offense, then I would give her the same advice- excuse yourself, step back, or stand there looking stupid.

at your DIL's house? Seriously?

Total lack of appropriate boundaries. You shouldn't expect to foist your "grace" on others when it isn't your party and it isn't your house. Why don't you excuse yourself and go to another room to say your prayers before coming back to the table to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly unless it was done in a super-aggressive or obnoxious fashion, I'd chalk this up to an older person who loses sight of the fact that not everyone does things precisely the way he or she does it. I don't quite understand the complaint that the OP's FIL "trumped her place as host." I mean, this isn't Victorian England, and I assume your dinner wasn't a formal affair for several hundred, so I don't see the need for such an insistence on protocol and precedence. OP, try to revive a little Christmas spirit and be charitable toward someone who probably meant no harm or insult.

You don't host much do you?

Wrong. But I don't get hysterical if my parents or my inlaws feel the need to say a short prayer before a family holiday meal. And I think protocol is best left to diplomatic settings, not family holidays. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

In the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal at all. Just roll with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

At big family meals, that is what we do as well. If my son married someone who took offense, then I would give her the same advice- excuse yourself, step back, or stand there looking stupid.

at your DIL's house? Seriously?

Total lack of appropriate boundaries. You shouldn't expect to foist your "grace" on others when it isn't your party and it isn't your house. Why don't you excuse yourself and go to another room to say your prayers before coming back to the table to eat.

Because that doesn't make sense, especially at a religious gathering. Furthermore its really not necessary as most people have the sense to just stand there as they realize how foolish they would look kicking and screaming like a toddler over a prayer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

At big family meals, that is what we do as well. If my son married someone who took offense, then I would give her the same advice- excuse yourself, step back, or stand there looking stupid.

at your DIL's house? Seriously?

Total lack of appropriate boundaries. You shouldn't expect to foist your "grace" on others when it isn't your party and it isn't your house. Why don't you excuse yourself and go to another room to say your prayers before coming back to the table to eat.

Because that doesn't make sense, especially at a religious gathering. Furthermore its really not necessary as most people have the sense to just stand there as they realize how foolish they would look kicking and screaming like a toddler over a prayer.

Do we know it was a religous gathering? Do we know it was just family? We don't have all the details for the story. Maybe it was a secular holiday dinner. Maybe the neighbors and her coworker Todd and his wife Mary were there also.

Try taking a hosting class or something, or just thinking outside your baptist world for second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not religious and we don't say grace, but I would not have given a rat's ass about this.

This. OP, if you don't observe, why is it any skin off your nose if others do? This is a common custom, not out of the ordinary. It also was Christmas, which is a holiday commorating the birth of Jesus. You can rationalize cultural observances all you want, but at the end of the day it's a religious holiday, and for you to somehow object to the utterance of a prayer at the dinner table is beyond the pale. Even in your own home. It's not all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How sad. If you are offended then don't pray. Excuse yourself or stand there quietly. Someone saying grace has nothing to do with you or converting you to anything. If you pray before meals then you pray before meals. That doesn't change just because someone might get upset.

So walk away, step back, or just stand there looking dumb if it happens again. No one will care because it is not about you.

I usually feel that people who have to make a big show out of saying grace, are usually doing it for the show.

LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M CHRISTIAN!!! I AM SAYING GRACE!!!!

They are also the people who post on Facebook around this time. ATTENTION!!! I AM AT A SOUP KITCHEN!!!!!

Very rare do people say grace at every meal, those who do - do it quiet and don't need to make a big show. It's not about me, it's about them. It's about their day to day belief which isn't a December 25th thing. It's a yearly 3 meals a day thing.

pp, you have some seriously warped views. i mean, that's just a demented way of thinking. I think living in the DC region has poisoned your brain or something. Do you always assume the worst about others? Wow.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really didn't mean to spark a debate and I truly appreciate all of the responses. The more I think about it, as some of the posters have noted, I'm not bothered so much by grace in and of itself, I'm bothered that my FIL felt it was his place to say the grace and, well, the content (and length -- it went on and on) of it. Next time, however, I will talk with my husband ahead of time and come up with a solution that won't make me uncomfortable in our own home. I don't like the holding hands part (though, thankfully, I was seated b/w my kids who had just washed their hands ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give the older set a free pass on a lot of things. Nobody normal will blame you for what your FIL does, so just let him bumble along and don't stress too much about it. (Barring issues of personal safety.)

I agree with this. I would be annoyed too, but let it go and just plan for the next time to pre-empt it.