Grace Before Dinner -- Appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Tonight we hosted dinner for a dozen people at our house. We do not say grace at our house but my husband and I usually will offer some sort of toast and/or welcome when everyone is seated. So I sat down at the table and before I could say anything, my FIL says that he'd like to say grace, and asks everyone to hold hands and he says grace. When I am at someone else's house, I respect their religious preferences. I was slightly offended on two levels -- I felt like he should have asked us first, and, beside that, it was my place or my husband's to offer the grace. Also, half of our guests were Jewish, and while I recognize that they knew they were sharing in a Christmas celebration, I would have preferred a rather, well, less Christian and more general grace. In any event, am I wrong to be annoyed? Should our elders be able to take over at our house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tonight we hosted dinner for a dozen people at our house. We do not say grace at our house but my husband and I usually will offer some sort of toast and/or welcome when everyone is seated. So I sat down at the table and before I could say anything, my FIL says that he'd like to say grace, and asks everyone to hold hands and he says grace. When I am at someone else's house, I respect their religious preferences. I was slightly offended on two levels -- I felt like he should have asked us first, and, beside that, it was my place or my husband's to offer the grace. Also, half of our guests were Jewish, and while I recognize that they knew they were sharing in a Christmas celebration, I would have preferred a rather, well, less Christian and more general grace. In any event, am I wrong to be annoyed? Should our elders be able to take over at our house?

I agree with you. Is this something he has done at your home in the past? Perhaps he was making a statement to your Jewish guests?

[Anonymous]

No, it is his belief, hold hand, bow your head and look forward to when it is over. As a Jew, you get accustom to it and just go along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it is his belief, hold hand, bow your head and look forward to when it is over. As a Jew, you get accustom to it and just go along.

this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it is his belief, hold hand, bow your head and look forward to when it is over. As a Jew, you get accustom to it and just go along.

OP-- so he has said grace at your house in the past?

[Anonymous]

That's just plain bad manners and upbringing. He is seriously jeopardizing future invitations. He needs to go back to his corner until he can learn to act appropriately at other peoples' houses.

[Anonymous]

If I went to a dinner celebrating another religion's holiday, I would not be offended if the host said a brief prayer in terms of that religion. It's not like Jewish people can't thank God before dinner or something.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know that they always say grace at their house, but we haven't hosted Christmas or Thanksgiving at our house for a couple of years, so I just don't remember what they did previously. At Thanksgiving, when we were all together, as we were sitting down my niece immediately said "I've prepared a poem I'd like to read before dinner." Looking back on it, I think it was my brother-in-law's way of preempting grace, but I could be reading into it. I might not have minded it had I been given some advanced warning or had he read a poem or even something biblical, but the free flowing God-praising, "Holy Spirit" hit a nerve. I just kept thinking "it's our house." And I don't think he meant to offend, I really don't, but I don't want it to happen again (they are moving close to us so there will be lots of holidays in the future).

[Anonymous]

I give the older set a free pass on a lot of things. Nobody normal will blame you for what your FIL does, so just let him bumble along and don't stress too much about it. (Barring issues of personal safety.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that they always say grace at their house, but we haven't hosted Christmas or Thanksgiving at our house for a couple of years, so I just don't remember what they did previously. At Thanksgiving, when we were all together, as we were sitting down my niece immediately said "I've prepared a poem I'd like to read before dinner." Looking back on it, I think it was my brother-in-law's way of preempting grace, but I could be reading into it. I might not have minded it had I been given some advanced warning or had he read a poem or even something biblical, but the free flowing God-praising, "Holy Spirit" hit a nerve. I just kept thinking "it's our house." And I don't think he meant to offend, I really don't, but I don't want it to happen again (they are moving close to us so there will be lots of holidays in the future).

OP I can definitely understand why this is annoying to you; however, in my opinion, this is NOT something worth mentioning to your inlaws or making an issue. Just drop it. It's your house, but saying grace takes what, 30 seconds? Go to your mental happy place for that time. Maybe I am too relaxed, or too much in the "Ignore your inlaws' quirks!" school, but I can't see you taking a stand on this without offending your inlaws. Maybe if your DH pre-empts them and says grace himself, but no, I don't think his father is expecting his son to tell him to ask permission to say grace just because it's "his house." That just sounds petty and crazy. There are bunch of pushy, over-religious people in my family, and I can see an incident like this being remembered FOREVER as proof that you, the daughter-in-law, are a cold heathen bitch. Don't go there, sister. I'm on your side, but just don't go there. There are too many Christmases in front of you, and old people live forever now.

[Anonymous]

I am not religious and we don't say grace, but I would not have given a rat's ass about this.

[Anonymous]

I would have been annoyed.

I realize that others don't feel this way, but as a guest, I'd feel imposed upon because the "grace" was very "Christian." Again, I know others don't agree with this, but I often think that Christians (especially) go out of their way to "share" or impose Christianity on everyone, or at least assume that everyone else is Christian. However, as a guest I'd also realize that this was a Christmas celebration and I'd go along with it. It would have been a different story had it been a different day, different meal.

As a host, I'd be extremely irritated that someone else brought their religion into my house in this manner and "imposed" it on me and my guests.

[Anonymous]

Next time you host something, have your DH pull his dad aside before the dinner and tell him that he is going to lead the table in the "grace" that your family normally uses and dad doesn't need to offer one. It might have been that your FIL didn't think that your DH had anything prepared and thought he was helping out. It is still annoying, but I wouldn't bother addressing past actions and would focus on preventing future behaviors.

And, I would not worry about having offended your Jewish friends. My DH is Jewish and I am not, so I have been at plenty of Shabbat and High Holiday Jewish dinners. There is always a Jewish prayer at the beginning of the meal, usually in Hebrew and usually with the lighting of candles. No reasonable person participating in a holiday/family celebration for another person's religion would be offended by a prayer before dinner. It is part of agreeing to be present at the meal itself.

[Anonymous]

It bugs me but I don't do anything about it. That some religious people want to say grace on a religious holiday makes sense. I wouldn't want to deprive them of that just because I'm hosting dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No reasonable person participating in a holiday/family celebration for another person's religion would be offended by a prayer before dinner. It is part of agreeing to be present at the meal itself.

Exactly this.