School a great fit for DC, not so much for us parents

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like Beauvoir. the Country clubs are more prevalent in the suburban schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like Beauvoir. the Country clubs are more prevalent in the suburban schools.

Really? So who belongs to Chevy Chase and Congressional? You are wrong. Lots of city livers belong to the Country clubs, at least those 2. Suburbanites aren't as likely to get in.

[Anonymous]

My parents raised me to believe I was my own little "in group" and I guess it worked, because it never occurs to me to feel excluded. I just think they're lucky to have me!

[Anonymous]

To the OP, would you be okay with not having your social group be about the school crowd? You mentioned having lots of friends...is that good enough for you? i am not being bitchy, although it is hard to get tone across on this. I mean, if you are cool with kinda letting go, your kid gets a good education and you continue on! Otherwise, you could look into other schools, but you sound like a nice person...just stick to yourself and let others come around. Or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents raised me to believe I was my own little "in group" and I guess it worked, because it never occurs to me to feel excluded. I just think they're lucky to have me!

That is awesome. I generally feel that way but once in a while get a teeny tiny bit insecure. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly or a friend snaps me out of it.

[Anonymous]

Children, even very young children, intuit parents emotions/anxieties and they learn social cues from parents, teachers and other adults with whom they have regular interaction. This discussion is so sad and makes me consider why we are living in Washington, D.C. and making ourselves and our kids endure all this b.s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children, even very young children, intuit parents emotions/anxieties and they learn social cues from parents, teachers and other adults with whom they have regular interaction. This discussion is so sad and makes me consider why we are living in Washington, D.C. and making ourselves and our kids endure all this b.s.

I agree. So we moved to the burbs. Took a while for me to deprogram myself (because the DC bs does get to you after a few years) to become really happy with my choice. But I have fewer frenemies here.

I'm not in competition with all my "friends" who asked me how much I paid for my house, how big the diamond in my engagement ring was, compared weddings and honeymoons and husband's careers, etc. I look back on it and realize that even though we were successful and affluent, we never felt succesful and affluent enough.

We moved when I started to feel that my DD was now starting to be part of the competition. Where do you buy her clothes, which playgroup is she in, where will she go to preschool? Something as pure as a mother's love for her child shouldn't be tainted by that kind of crap.

To let go of all that is incredibly freeing. My daughter is in one of the top public schools in the country, so I get to focus on the great qualify of education she's getting. Not whether or not the school is a good fit for my social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children, even very young children, intuit parents emotions/anxieties and they learn social cues from parents, teachers and other adults with whom they have regular interaction. This discussion is so sad and makes me consider why we are living in Washington, D.C. and making ourselves and our kids endure all this b.s.

I agree. So we moved to the burbs. Took a while for me to deprogram myself (because the DC bs does get to you after a few years) to become really happy with my choice. But I have fewer frenemies here.

I'm not in competition with all my "friends" who asked me how much I paid for my house, how big the diamond in my engagement ring was, compared weddings and honeymoons and husband's careers, etc. I look back on it and realize that even though we were successful and affluent, we never felt succesful and affluent enough.

We moved when I started to feel that my DD was now starting to be part of the competition. Where do you buy her clothes, which playgroup is she in, where will she go to preschool? Something as pure as a mother's love for her child shouldn't be tainted by that kind of crap.

To let go of all that is incredibly freeing. My daughter is in one of the top public schools in the country, so I get to focus on the great qualify of education she's getting. Not whether or not the school is a good fit for my social life.

Can I ask which suburb you live in? (I currently live in Georgetown, and we're beginning to look for houses in the burbs. We're having a hard time figuring out which would be right for us. ) Thanks!

[Anonymous]

A bit of perspective.

We have one set of friends (DH college friend) who are definitely in the "in crowd" at one of "the" schools. I cannot tell you how this woman stresses about the other in-crowd moms that she encounters there. She laments to me (child in a different school, so what do I know) about the fact that all of these women are "ten years younger and ten pounds lighter." I think she secretly thought that their money would buy her in to the upper-upper level of the "in crowd," (yes, apparently, their are tiers even among the top), but guess what... everyone in the crowd has as much money as they do, so no one is impressed enough about that.

Sad way to live, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the in-crowd bit people keep talking about. I mean, really... my kids attend one of the schools that was mentioned above and there is no such thing as an "in-crowd." This is not highschool people. Your kids go to a school, you, as parents, make friends with other parents, you are hopefully kind and open to everyone (unless there is a very good reason not to be) but eventually you have your closest friends, your good friends, and then regular friends and acquaintances. All this pecking order talk is just unbelievably silly. We try to have palydates with lots of other children but, we do have our best friends and often its because our kids are best friends with their kids (which makes sense considering our own parents were always right about our friends, or boyfriends, at least mine were! ) People who have things in common are often closer but everyone seems open and kind and inclusive to me. If you look for mean spiritedness and cliques I think you kind of create them in your mind. I mean, yes, there are, of course, some unkind people but they are just unhappy or insecure in their own lives and, on the whole, you can ignor them, as will most people. Don't take it personally. Lighten up, be happy, you will find friends especially if you expect to and keep putting yourself out there and have an open mind and happy attitude. No, I am not suzy-sunshine but I do believe in the power of positiveness. It has always worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the in-crowd bit people keep talking about. I mean, really... my kids attend one of the schools that was mentioned above and there is no such thing as an "in-crowd." This is not highschool people. Your kids go to a school, you, as parents, make friends with other parents, you are hopefully kind and open to everyone (unless there is a very good reason not to be) but eventually you have your closest friends, your good friends, and then regular friends and acquaintances. All this pecking order talk is just unbelievably silly. We try to have palydates with lots of other children but, we do have our best friends and often its because our kids are best friends with their kids (which makes sense considering our own parents were always right about our friends, or boyfriends, at least mine were! ) People who have things in common are often closer but everyone seems open and kind and inclusive to me. If you look for mean spiritedness and cliques I think you kind of create them in your mind. I mean, yes, there are, of course, some unkind people but they are just unhappy or insecure in their own lives and, on the whole, you can ignor them, as will most people. Don't take it personally. Lighten up, be happy, you will find friends especially if you expect to and keep putting yourself out there and have an open mind and happy attitude. No, I am not suzy-sunshine but I do believe in the power of positiveness. It has always worked for me.

I don't agree with this at all. No one I know is "looking for" mean-spirited-ness and cliques, but they are definitely out there, and it's not because others have "created them in their mind." This post sounds way too much to me like blaming the victim--i.e., it's someone's own fault if they aren't welcomed because they aren't positive enough, or what have you. And I haven't found the previous posts to be "unbelievably silly" at all. That very phrase smacks of condescension, in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the in-crowd bit people keep talking about... you have your closest friends, your good friends, and then regular friends and acquaintances. All this pecking order talk is just unbelievably silly...It has always worked for me.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

I have some sympathy for OP. Also it's not evident that any of us has kids at her particular school, so I don't know if we "get" her particular situation.

I guess my advice would be to treat this like work. When I entered the workforce I realized that there were lots of people around that I didn't really care to associate with. This was different from college, where I could choose who I hung out with. But at work you have to get along with your co-workers, of course, so I learned early to be friendly without expecting much more. And you probably already knew this, but if you grit your teeth every time, for example, that another mom mentions her spring break eco-trip to Mongolia, she will pick up on it and then you will not only be ignored, you will be actively excluded.

So treat relationships with the more difficult people like you or your husband would treat difficult coworkers. I bet over time you will find some friends at your kid's school, I know I did. And after all, what you're "working" for is your kid's happiness, right?

[Anonymous]

I have sympathy for OP also, and I believe in these cliques, but like the PP inferred, the cliques only have as much power as you give them. Whenever I feel intimidated or competitive, I remind myself that that is in ME...and I need to get a grip. If you pay too much attention to the clique stuff, work on your own confidence!