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School a great fit for DC, not so much for us parents
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Anonymous
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DC is in kindergarten, the second year at a private school (began in pre-K). DC couldn't be happier and is thriving, and the school is meeting DC's needs in exactly the way we had hoped back at the time of enrollment. We love the curriculum, values, and philosophy of the school, we love the head and the teachers, and DC is learning and growing. Unfortunately, we as parents don't feel like the school is a great fit for us--we don't really fit in with the other parents and don't move in the same circles (e.g. many families are country-club members and we are just not that type at all even if we could afford it which we can't; most families are private-school bred whereas we are public-school products; these are just a couple of examples among many), and the school community is quite clique-ish. Even after more than a solid year of very actively trying, volunteering, and issuing invitations, our family is just not part of the community and isn't making friends with other families. (No one is unfriendly, BTW; it's more that we are invisible; people are pleasant enough but no one seeks us out to chat at functions, no one would notice if we didn't attend, no one reciprocates invitations, etc.) BTW, we certainly have good friends in other aspects of life so it's not that there is anything wrong with us, LOL. I also don't think it is just a function of being relative newcomers to the school since I observe other new families being accepted much more easily (often wealthy ones). It is a constant source of tension/low-grade sadness that we don't fit in and aren't finding good friends at DC's school, because it seems like that would be so nice to have, and we had hoped to find a great community. I really don't want many more years of feeling like a wallflower at functions and feeling left out of conversations, etc. I also worry that down the road this will impact on DC's ability to form friends/have playdates from school, since it does seem like parent friendships facilitate child relationships. I already notice this to a degree--other families will talk about getting together for activities and we aren't invited, and I think that will harm DC's social life/skills.
I now find myself wanting to withdraw and to make less of an effort to be part of the school (volunteering less, for example), because if my efforts are fruitless, why bother? I can focus my energies on other aspects of our life where we are in fact liked and appreciated. I haven't succumbed to that feeling yet, but I easily might if another year passes like the last one. As I said before, however, it is a wonderful school for DC, and since of course that is what really matters, I find myself just gritting my teeth and reminding myself over and over that I am being a responsible parent by keeping DC in a good fit, even if it is a sacrifice for us. ("I am doing what is best for my child, I am doing what is best for my child...") Anyone else out there in a similar situation? If so, how do you cope with the situation? |
Anonymous
| I don't really have any advice but I really really feel for you. That would stink. I feel the exact opposite at our DCs' schools and it is wonderful. I hate to think of someone missing out on that. Has really NOBODY connected with you, reached out to you? Have you maybe overlooked someone who might feel the samew way that you do? Sometimes I do find that when I get really sad and frustrated by a situatiopn I start to no longer see it clearly. Give yourself a breather for a few months and then try it again from a different angle. |
Anonymous
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Do you really think it is a good fit for your child, considering he is just in kindergarten and would probably do well in any early learning environment? I personally would go elsewhere -- I am sure you can find a school that will welcome both you and your child. A sense of community is very important and if you arent getting it - it really isnt such a good fit for your child.
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Anonymous
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I had a situation like this with a new preschool. We were a new family and though I made an effort to be friendly and help out, and people were superficially friendly, I felt increasingly left out as the year went on. I am easygoing and usually make friends pretty easily, but there were a lot of things that rubbed me the wrong way, which I wasn't sure how to respond to, and gradually I felt like I just didn't want to talk/interact with these people anymore, which was of course not good for dc's social life. I began to dread pickup and dropoff. Like you, I felt like to some extent it had to do with money (we had less) and lifestyle, also values.
I ended up moving dc to a different school this year. Don't know how reasonable an option that is for you, but I am so so grateful that I did it. Right away I just clicked with two moms, and my conversations with other parents have felt genuine. Already (it's only Sept) I've had more parents/kids over to the house than I had all last year. It's just a better fit for me. Obviously none of that would matter if it wasn't a good place for dc, but he seems very happy. I think you and your family fitting in really does matter. Your child is learning all the time, not just from the teacher, but from his peer group and his friends' parents and the school community. Your child is absorbing a certain set of messages, and if those messages devalue your family as lesser/undesirable/flawed in some way, or are out of line with your own values, what's the point? School is a long road, so unless your child is close to going off to college, I would switch sooner rather than later. I am incredibly grateful to be out of the old school. It's liberating. |
Anonymous
| I would give it more time, especially since it's such a great fit for your child. It took our class at least a year and a half to start connecting, and it was three and four years until we really solidified close friendships that will be there forever. There are also friendships among parents with all types of means and lifestyles. It takes a while. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
| We had a similar experience and ended up leaving the school. DD liked the school, DH hated it. He always felt like he was at a junior partner's meeting at any school functions. Some parents were ok, but we didn't fit in with the other social climbing wannabes. |
Anonymous
| This might sound harsh, and I have on occasion felt the same way you do, but we all need to remember it is our child's school, not ours. Enjoy the friends you have in other aspects of your life. |
Anonymous
| We are new parents this year and feel the same way. Our child is loving school. I find the other class parents a bit plastic and stand-offish. Don't get me wrong, they are nice enough, say hello...but there is something strange that I just can't put my finger on...kind of like there is a club that we are never going to be a part of. I just don't feel we will ever fit in and I'm ok with that. As long as DC is happy, I could care less. I drop off, I smile, I pick up, I smile and then I go home and that's fine by me. |
Anonymous
Has your child been invited on playdates? Have you had kids over to your house yet? (I'm asking b/c I haven't done any of this yet and after reading this thread, I'm getting worried for my child.) |
Anonymous
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We had the opposite problem. We loved our DS's school community. The parents were great and we fit in immediately with most of them. DS did not like it and he had a hard time making friends - something he never experienced before. This is a kid who would go to camp, the park, a vacation kid's club, or the fair not knowing anyone and meet a new best friend the same day.
After the second year we switched to a different school that he loves. We haven't made many friends, but he has. From your description, OP, we may well be at the same school. Just keep an open mind and keep your eyes open. There are others like you there somewhere. |
Anonymous
| If your school started in Nursery, that might also be a part of the challenge as several of the families already knew each other for a year or they might have older children and friendships with parents they've known for several years. Continue to make an effort, keep volunteering when you can and seek out new families who are also looking for connections. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Yes, my child has been invited on a playdate by one parent, but we have yet to go. To tell you the truth, we feel awkward because I don't think we'll ever really fit in. I'll suffer the playdates for the sake of my child but I don't care about creating a relationship with another parent at this point. I just don't see that we have anything in common with any of them....and before you ask, we are full tuition paying parents. Just relax. It's all about the children and has nothing to do with us. As long as the child is happy, who cares about us parents fitting in. |
Anonymous
| OP - wow I could have written this except its been 4 years at our school. Many days i feel like I'm at high school again. In my mind, there's the incrowd and then there is the groups of parents in concentric circles going out from there that represent declining social status. The funny thing is that the people that I think are in the Incrowd think they are out of it too! I totally understand the invisibility too. I still have people come up and say "are you new to the school this year" after us both volunteering alot. My husband/kids and i have different last names so that doesn't help (if i had over to do again i would have changed my name). My kids are doing great so i can't complain but we are comtemplating a change. I did volunteer a ton more last year and this year doing basically jobs that most people decline and I really think that helped in my kids getting more social attention. But we are not going to join the country club so we will always be limited by that. The thing is I dont like is participating in a system i don't like and wonder if its really a good thing for my family in the end. |
Anonymous
| I think it's different if your child is older, or maybe if the parents are older! My child goes to a private shcool with a lot of wealthy, WASPY types (including -- horrors -- Republicans!). We are lefties who live in DC (I suppose we're prosperous, but we don't flaunt). But the school is great; the philosophy, the teachers, the kids, and my son is thriving there. And in all fairness, the parents we've met have been very welcoming, but, frankly, they're not the type of people with whom we have anything in common (except we all love our children), and we already have lots of friends and aren't looking to the school for a network of friends. In any event, the kids all get along and have playdates, etc. So, while the parents aren't my cup of tea, I'm not going to the school, my son is, and he loves it. That's what's important. If you feel your child is suffering because you don't fit in, that's one thing. But if your child is thriving, who cares about the parents? |
Anonymous
| I would give it more time and less effort. Volunteering at the school gives you a good opportunity to meet people, and every now and then, I bet you will meet a real gem. Personnally, as a rather shy person, I think I am doing pretty good if I make one or two friends over the course of a school year. Some of the people you observe on campus have probably built up their connections over many years. I don't think it is realistic to think that you will be intimately part of any community over night, even a hopefully warm and welcoming one. Some wise person once observed that we tend to relive high school over and over during our life ... so think back to what advice you would give yourself if this were you in high school. For example, treasure a few good friends rather than seek many acquaintances, don't appear too needy or you'll scare people off, make yourself available to the possibility of friendships by volunteering, and so forth. I'm glad your child is happy ... that is really the most important thing. And I bet you will find yourself more and more a real part of the community as time goes by. |