Moving south and hesitant to adopt a different race- advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Our son looks like his dad. People who do not know about the adoption swears he looks just like his dad. The funny thing about it is that when we were provided with a picture of of his birth mom, I told my husband that he looked like the birh mom. So PP, you are wrong. I just happened that way. It was definitely unintentional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Actually, it's very possible to have an adopted child look like you. I have one and not only does she look like me (she and I are the sane race), she looks a lot like her brother, who is half her race. People ask me often if they're twins.

Exactly. Our child looks and acts like us. We share a lot of personality and physical characteristics as her birthparents so that could be a strong reason why, but regardless, in less we tell people, people have no clue we adopted.

Ditto. Adopted child is the spitting image of me at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Actually, it's very possible to have an adopted child look like you. I have one and not only does she look like me (she and I are the sane race), she looks a lot like her brother, who is half her race. People ask me often if they're twins.

Exactly. Our child looks and acts like us. We share a lot of personality and physical characteristics as her birthparents so that could be a strong reason why, but regardless, in less we tell people, people have no clue we adopted.

Ditto. Adopted child is the spitting image of me at that age.

I'm the original first responder and I did want to say that yes, bio children don't always look like their parents either. My bio child looks NOTHING like his father- I'm surprised that more people don't ask my husband if he was adopted when just the two of them are out and about. So, in my family, my adopted child looks a lot like her genetically unrelated brother and me, but the bio child looks nothing like his dad.

[Anonymous]

My kids are adopted and look just like us. People never know that our kids are adopted unless we tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Thanks for the frank replies. I especially appreciate the advice to speak with other adoptive parents in Richmond.
There are a variety of reasons why we are choosing a southern city (family, etc). Just know it's not something we are flexing on.

It is very important to us to expose any adopted child of a different race to his/her background. I'm not comfortable "white washing" the situation and if we had an AA child would want to be involved in an AA church, have AA role models and friends etc. I don't think it would be easy in a city like Richmond.

Question: do you think it would be just as challenging with a Latina child in the south? I just assumed it would be less of an issue, but am honestly ignorant about that scenario.
Thx! Appreciate responses, especially from those who have lived in southern cities!

AA parent here. I am going to be frank. Do you have any black or hispanic friends where you live now? Do you have any affinity for or ease with blacks or latinos? If so, you should ask those friends what they think. If you have no black or latino friends, you should ask yourself why that is the case? If you don't have black friends now, and you try to make them simply because you adopt a black child, you are going to come off like a fake. Believe me, I know several white APs with black children who aggressively try to befriend me to fill that black friend/role model position. I simply don't understand why people who were heretofore completely comfortable in an all white world, took no notice of or interest in forming relationships with black people before would bother to adopt a black child. It reeks of "I wanted a baby, so I took what was available, and now I am clueless."
And sorry if I offend you, but I have a real problem with adoptive parents who insist on requesting only a girl. In international adoption, it is one of the leading drivers of corruption. Adotpion is supposed to be finding a family for children in need, not filling orders for adoptive parents.
And no, I am not anti-adoption. I am an adoptive parent and an adult adoptee.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Umm, Richmond is far far more integrated than DC in terms of neighborhoods, jobs, churches and schools. Richmond percentage wise has a much larger black middle claas than DC. Virginia had the first black governor anywhere, and that governor later became mayor of Richmond. Inter-racial marriage and dating is incredibly common in Richmond. My good-old boy Richmond brother was very seriously involved with a black woman for years - she dumped him eventually, my old south family had no issue with their relationship, thought she was out of his league though. You do realize Richmond is 2 hours away, and brimming with transplants? Moving here from Richmond was for me a shocking experience bc suddenly going out to bars and restaurants everyone was white, and you can walk for miles in DC and not see a black person. It's crazy segregated. Not possible in Richmond - city is too small and African American population is not confined to certain neighborhoods like here in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm, Richmond is far far more integrated than DC in terms of neighborhoods, jobs, churches and schools. Richmond percentage wise has a much larger black middle claas than DC. Virginia had the first black governor anywhere, and that governor later became mayor of Richmond. Inter-racial marriage and dating is incredibly common in Richmond. My good-old boy Richmond brother was very seriously involved with a black woman for years - she dumped him eventually, my old south family had no issue with their relationship, thought she was out of his league though. You do realize Richmond is 2 hours away, and brimming with transplants? Moving here from Richmond was for me a shocking experience bc suddenly going out to bars and restaurants everyone was white, and you can walk for miles in DC and not see a black person. It's crazy segregated. Not possible in Richmond - city is too small and African American population is not confined to certain neighborhoods like here in DC.

Are you black? Because often more "integration" comes with more racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm, Richmond is far far more integrated than DC in terms of neighborhoods, jobs, churches and schools. Richmond percentage wise has a much larger black middle claas than DC. Virginia had the first black governor anywhere, and that governor later became mayor of Richmond. Inter-racial marriage and dating is incredibly common in Richmond. My good-old boy Richmond brother was very seriously involved with a black woman for years - she dumped him eventually, my old south family had no issue with their relationship, thought she was out of his league though. You do realize Richmond is 2 hours away, and brimming with transplants? Moving here from Richmond was for me a shocking experience bc suddenly going out to bars and restaurants everyone was white, and you can walk for miles in DC and not see a black person. It's crazy segregated. Not possible in Richmond - city is too small and African American population is not confined to certain neighborhoods like here in DC.

Yes, DC is incredibly segregated. No one from out of town ever believes me. Many foreign persons, yes, AA, not so much.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the whole thread, but wanted to comment that I have good friends who have adopted two kids from an African country (not Ethiopia) and who live in the suburbs of Nashville. They are dyed in the wool Southerners not transplants. They have a real commitment to racial reconciliation and are committed to bringing up their kids with both black and white role models. The grandparents are also on board with this. The kids are still young, so I'm sure they have many challenges ahead, but they are truly committed. The dad also has two kids from a previous marriage who mostly live with them.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I grew up in the suburbs of Richmond and my family is still there. Richmond and its suburbs are educated and well rounded, but it is so much more Southern than the DC metro area. I agree that it is certainly not the same as the deep South, but I would say that in DC 80% of educated famlies will not bat an eyelash at a mixed race family, where in Richmond 80% of these same people will. They will be nice to you, not realize that they are feeling anything they shouldn't, and have a long discussion about your family at the dinner table. It may not be anything bad, but it will stand out.

I also definitely think that while yes, racists are racists, the black-white racism and tension is definitely stronger there than the Latino-white tension. Its logical...my parents went to segregated schools, ate at segregated restaurants...all geared to keep black people out. My grandparents weren't around black people at all unless they were helping on the farm or cleaning the house. Its just how it was and it was and although times and people have come so far, it was pretty darn recent. We didn't segregate or enslave people from any other race, thus the tension is more.

[Anonymous]

"Race is one of the toughest things to deal with in the US. Living in a highly diverse area or having lots of multicultural friends and family can help. But nothing can prepare you for hearing someone call your child the N-word to your face while you're holding his hand in the supermarket. Think hard about this one and don't be naive. Love is not enough. "

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Race is one of the toughest things to deal with in the US. Living in a highly diverse area or having lots of multicultural friends and family can help. But nothing can prepare you for hearing someone call your child the N-word to your face while you're holding his hand in the supermarket. Think hard about this one and don't be naive. Love is not enough. "

This.

I'm the transracial adoptive parent who posted near the beginning of the thread.

To be honest, this isn't the hard part. Dealing with people who are obviously and easily recognizable as racists is relatively easy. You remove your child from the situation and once they're safe and away you explain how the person is wrong.

The hard parts? Dealing with the very sweet, very nice teacher who clearly loves your child but recommends him for the "on track" math class, while his classmates who seem similar in ability to you when you volunteer get sent to "honors". Or sending your child on an admissions visit to your first choice private school, which is also your alma mater, with a cold, and having the admissions director ask you if his slightly slowed reaction time (due to being stuffed up and tired) was because he is a "crack baby"? Trying to sort out what is racism and what isn't, what is a threat to your child and what isn't can be hugely difficult especially if you didn't grow up thinking about these issues.

Or realizing that that the white privilege that you've been swimming in your whole life and are just being able to share with your child. Knowing that your son's 13th birthday will mean that he gets to sit in the front seat, and also that you can anticipate being pulled over by cops approaching your car on the right side. Having to teach your child to be careful about what and how he picks up in the store, lest he be accused of stealing. Trying to decide whether to bring your own child with you when you're apartment hunting because you know you likely won't be approved to rent after people meet him.

Obvious racism is way easier to deal with than the subtle stuff.

[Anonymous]

Why do you people catlike the south is a third world country? I grew up in East Texas. Yes, I encountered racism, but I also encountered racism here. Location should not rule your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Race is one of the toughest things to deal with in the US. Living in a highly diverse area or having lots of multicultural friends and family can help. But nothing can prepare you for hearing someone call your child the N-word to your face while you're holding his hand in the supermarket. Think hard about this one and don't be naive. Love is not enough. "

This.

I'm the transracial adoptive parent who posted near the beginning of the thread.

To be honest, this isn't the hard part. Dealing with people who are obviously and easily recognizable as racists is relatively easy. You remove your child from the situation and once they're safe and away you explain how the person is wrong.

The hard parts? Dealing with the very sweet, very nice teacher who clearly loves your child but recommends him for the "on track" math class, while his classmates who seem similar in ability to you when you volunteer get sent to "honors". Or sending your child on an admissions visit to your first choice private school, which is also your alma mater, with a cold, and having the admissions director ask you if his slightly slowed reaction time (due to being stuffed up and tired) was because he is a "crack baby"? Trying to sort out what is racism and what isn't, what is a threat to your child and what isn't can be hugely difficult especially if you didn't grow up thinking about these issues.

Or realizing that that the white privilege that you've been swimming in your whole life and are just being able to share with your child. Knowing that your son's 13th birthday will mean that he gets to sit in the front seat, and also that you can anticipate being pulled over by cops approaching your car on the right side. Having to teach your child to be careful about what and how he picks up in the store, lest he be accused of stealing. Trying to decide whether to bring your own child with you when you're apartment hunting because you know you likely won't be approved to rent after people meet him.

Obvious racism is way easier to deal with than the subtle stuff.

You forgot one thing - not being able to discuss the issues you listed above with friends and family because they minimize them and tell you that you are being too sensitive or imagining things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Race is one of the toughest things to deal with in the US. Living in a highly diverse area or having lots of multicultural friends and family can help. But nothing can prepare you for hearing someone call your child the N-word to your face while you're holding his hand in the supermarket. Think hard about this one and don't be naive. Love is not enough. "

This.

I'm the transracial adoptive parent who posted near the beginning of the thread.

To be honest, this isn't the hard part. Dealing with people who are obviously and easily recognizable as racists is relatively easy. You remove your child from the situation and once they're safe and away you explain how the person is wrong.

The hard parts? Dealing with the very sweet, very nice teacher who clearly loves your child but recommends him for the "on track" math class, while his classmates who seem similar in ability to you when you volunteer get sent to "honors". Or sending your child on an admissions visit to your first choice private school, which is also your alma mater, with a cold, and having the admissions director ask you if his slightly slowed reaction time (due to being stuffed up and tired) was because he is a "crack baby"? Trying to sort out what is racism and what isn't, what is a threat to your child and what isn't can be hugely difficult especially if you didn't grow up thinking about these issues.

Or realizing that that the white privilege that you've been swimming in your whole life and are just being able to share with your child. Knowing that your son's 13th birthday will mean that he gets to sit in the front seat, and also that you can anticipate being pulled over by cops approaching your car on the right side. Having to teach your child to be careful about what and how he picks up in the store, lest he be accused of stealing. Trying to decide whether to bring your own child with you when you're apartment hunting because you know you likely won't be approved to rent after people meet him.

Obvious racism is way easier to deal with than the subtle stuff.

You forgot one thing - not being able to discuss the issues you listed above with friends and family because they minimize them and tell you that you are being too sensitive or imagining things.

I'm the PP you posted, and I would say yes, yes, yes to this. I am fortunate that my group of friends included many black adults before I adopted, so I do have people I can talk to, but my family is NOT on that list.