Moving south and hesitant to adopt a different race- advice?

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, unless you are in a diverse, blended city like DC/surrounding area it is difficult. We live in the Boston burbs and while e wry one is vehemently anti racism there are only one or two AA families in our town or any surrounding town.

[Anonymous]

We have friends (white) who adopted a latino son in Charleston, SC. They definitely ran into some less-than-positive attitudes among people like coworkers and neighbors. But they connected with other families through adoption groups. I think they felt pretty good about things, overall. That said, I'm not sure how things would have gone for the long term. As it turns out (for unrelated reasons), they wound up moving to DC after about 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about children or puppies? You sound sincere but somewhat objectifying in your last reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Thanks for the frank replies. I especially appreciate the advice to speak with other adoptive parents in Richmond.
There are a variety of reasons why we are choosing a southern city (family, etc). Just know it's not something we are flexing on.

It is very important to us to expose any adopted child of a different race to his/her background. I'm not comfortable "white washing" the situation and if we had an AA child would want to be involved in an AA church, have AA role models and friends etc. I don't think it would be easy in a city like Richmond.

Question: do you think it would be just as challenging with a Latina child in the south? I just assumed it would be less of an issue, but am honestly ignorant about that scenario.
Thx! Appreciate responses, especially from those who have lived in southern cities!

AA parent here. I am going to be frank. Do you have any black or hispanic friends where you live now? Do you have any affinity for or ease with blacks or latinos? If so, you should ask those friends what they think. If you have no black or latino friends, you should ask yourself why that is the case? If you don't have black friends now, and you try to make them simply because you adopt a black child, you are going to come off like a fake. Believe me, I know several white APs with black children who aggressively try to befriend me to fill that black friend/role model position. I simply don't understand why people who were heretofore completely comfortable in an all white world, took no notice of or interest in forming relationships with black people before would bother to adopt a black child. It reeks of "I wanted a baby, so I took what was available, and now I am clueless."
And sorry if I offend you, but I have a real problem with adoptive parents who insist on requesting only a girl. In international adoption, it is one of the leading drivers of corruption. Adotpion is supposed to be finding a family for children in need, not filling orders for adoptive parents.
And no, I am not anti-adoption. I am an adoptive parent and an adult adoptee.

[Anonymous]

I am going to jump in here and say that asking the question makes me wonder if you are 100% comfortable with adotping an AA child, or if you are also concerned about a long wait time.
In another thought, I would say that there is definitely still plenty of rasicm around and that will be a part of your life wherever you live, and more difficult in some areas. There is a rant on another thread about relaxing hair that might be of interest to you.
When we considered adoption, I felt that there was a certain pressure to be open to anything. I was offered a desperately ill child with little hope of a normal life. Eventually, I understood that that was not going to work for me. That the lack of choice and sameness to myself/DH was not going to work for me. Adoption was not the path to parenthood for me. How difficult that was for me at the time. I did finally get pregnant, and so the issue was moot, except to say that raising ordinary kids was much harder than I thought.
This has gone a little off topic. What I am trying to say is -- think hard about yourself and do not be afraid to understand yourself, whether it means you want a AA child or not. It is a lifetime decision, deserving of the thought you are giving to it.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive parent of three kids, and I'm black, married to a Latino. My opinion is different from some on this board.

With regard to gender, request the gender that you want. I'm sick of people saying that you should be open to both if in your heart, you are not. We've BTDT. You have your own reasons for your choice, and none of us knows what that is. Don't apologize for your choice. If you find the right agency who will work with you, it can happen. Our first two kids were of one gender (by chance), and we wanted the opposite for our third. We went in fully aware that our wait could be very long, but it turned out to be the shortest of the three.

As for race, there are states where it is more likely that you can adopt a child of Hispanic heritage. Our agency was in Texas, and a very large percentage of their placements were of Hispanic infants, whereas in our home state of MD, it's nearly impossible to adopt a Hispanic child. Also think California, Arizona, etc. Basically, you'd likely have to complete an out-of-state adoption.

Regarding race relations in southern VA, I defer to others on this board. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP- Would you recommend your agency in TX? I am looking into adopting a Hispanic child. I am a single mom with a biracial birth child (dad is Hispanic). Thanks!

[Anonymous]

With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Seriously? Do you live in the same world the rest of us do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Actually, it's very possible to have an adopted child look like you. I have one and not only does she look like me (she and I are the sane race), she looks a lot like her brother, who is half her race. People ask me often if they're twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With adoption there is no genetic link, so no matter what the kid is not going to look like you. Race is just pigment on skin. Kids do not look like their adoptive parents.
No need for anyone to "have to look" like their parents.
There are thin children in fat families, brown in white, tall in short etc.
All depends on if you choose to make it into a problem or not

Actually, it's very possible to have an adopted child look like you. I have one and not only does she look like me (she and I are the sane race), she looks a lot like her brother, who is half her race. People ask me often if they're twins.

Exactly. Our child looks and acts like us. We share a lot of personality and physical characteristics as her birthparents so that could be a strong reason why, but regardless, in less we tell people, people have no clue we adopted.

[Anonymous]

Yes, people are racist toward Latino/as in the South, too. Bear in mind that one of the driving policies of the new GOP has been anti-immigration, which particularly focuses on whether Latino/as are documented immigrants or not.

The only way it might be "easier" is if you are planning to raise your child to pass, with only a nod to their national (rather than cultural) background.

Honestly, OP, you need to determine if you and your husband are ready to parent a child of color before you worry about the neighbors.

[Anonymous]

There are black churches in Richmond. There are black hairstylists, schools and sports teams with black kids, restaurants serving traditionally African-American food, etc. Because there are plenty of black people there. It's not like you're talking about moving to Vermont or Alaska or something.

You'd need to work hard to feel comfortable in majority-black institutions, but you'd have to do the same in the DC area. In both places there are relatively few places where people of different races mingle. And no matter where you go there'd be a whole lot of people of every race with a lot of preconceived notions about people who aren't like them. Just reading these boards shows that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are black churches in Richmond. There are black hairstylists, schools and sports teams with black kids, restaurants serving traditionally African-American food, etc. Because there are plenty of black people there. It's not like you're talking about moving to Vermont or Alaska or something.

You'd need to work hard to feel comfortable in majority-black institutions, but you'd have to do the same in the DC area. In both places there are relatively few places where people of different races mingle. And no matter where you go there'd be a whole lot of people of every race with a lot of preconceived notions about people who aren't like them. Just reading these boards shows that....

Yes, there are black people in Richmond. But many white people there are VERY RACIST. I have a black daughter too, and here in DC it's (mostly) fine. But let me tell you what - it is hard on her when we go other places. Very hard.

[Anonymous]

OP - Latina children may have dark skin also.