Moving south and hesitant to adopt a different race- advice?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are just getting started in the domestic adoption process, and will be requesting a girl infant.
We are flexible regarding race and some drug exposure, however we are starting to re-think our position on race. We are white.
In 5 years we will be permanently moving to a very "southern" city, possibly Richmond for DGs work.
I have been advised from one agency that we may not want to put an African American child into that situation (living in a racially tense area with white parents). I also have several good friends in Richmond who spoke frankly with me about race issues and how divided the region is. Sounds like our potential DD could be really targeted over having white parents.

This is such a sensitive topic, but I'd really like some advice.
We are strongly leaning towards requesting a Caucasian or Latina girl only. For those who have adopted an AA child, does this seem like a fair concern? I'd be particularly interested in hearing what African American parents think.

Also selfishly, I know this will really affect our chances of adoption. Has anyone had good success requesting both sex and race??

Thanks in advance for your frank thoughts on this topic.

[Anonymous]

If you're open to a Latina girl, what difference does an AA girl make? Racists are racists. The Latina girl will experience the same thing, if that's what you're worried about. However, I wouldn't let some narrow minded, ignorant racists dictate how, or what, my family is made of. That's giving them WAY too much power.

[Anonymous]

And how do you know the move is permanent? Are you or DH inheriting a substantial family owned business that is in the Richmond area? Other than that what would make a move permanent?

If you are uncomfortable in Richmond with an AA child then don't move. My main concern would be health of the child not sex or race.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing the PPs are not adoptive parents and have never lived in VA beyond the NOVA area.

OP - racism in Richmond and southern VA is real and still blatant. I lived in southern VA and it was shocking to me as someone who grew up in the DC area that the level of racism would be tolerated. I would have serious hesitations moving there. My child is AA and we have considered moving to south - but farther south - and I have the same exact reservations.

The wait for a Caucasian infant girl who is mostly healthy will be a longer wait. Adopting a Hispanic child is very difficult because they are placed less often. Adopting an AA child would be a shorter wait but you really need to decide if you are truly comfortable with this. You don't need to be. It does not make you racist or a bad person.

Also, I wouldn't broach the topic with AA friends unless they are truly very close friends and you can speak frankly with them. Ask what challenges they have faced and feel they will face with raising their child. Also, be open and if they describe episodes of racism they have experienced don't automatically try and make it not true. I have discovered it's the subtle racism that is the worst to deal with.

good luck

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive parent and one of our kids is a different race than the rest of us. Your situation would concern me and I don't think I'd choose to adopt a child of another race if I wasn't staying an an urban eclectic place. It will definitely lengthen your wait for a child, particularly e cause you are requesting preferences for sex as well. Mohave you thought about international, such a Russia?

[Anonymous]

Why does it have to be a girl? I didn't think gender selection was even allowed in domestic adoption.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the poster who wonders why 1. You MUST move to a place you conclude is brimming with racists and 2. Then need to stay there forever and ever.

Are you, as pp wonders, about to inherit a large factory located in Richmond? Is dh about to become the CEO of capital one?

If it's short of that, why not ask yourself whether it's really such a great plan to move to a place that bullies you into selecting a particular type of child.

[Anonymous]

I've lived in the south - the Deep South - and I will admit, there are still things that are being worked out there. I had my best friend visit me AA and I was surprised by how different things were for her.

My stepdaughter, who lives in Mississippi once said to me "we don't have racism anymore, I even have a colored friend"

I wouldn't limit your choice and the love you may have, but know it might be a hard road.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should not adopt a child of a different race unless you have confidence in yourself and your ability to handle what comes your way from outside of your family. There is no shame in admitting that is not something you feel prepared to take on, for whatever reason. It is better to do some soul-searching, be brutally honest with yourselves, and make your choices with what you are comfortable with. Raising a child of a different race, particularly through adoption, is challenging and there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that it is not a challenge you are willing to undertake.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive parent of a non-white child, but live here. I would listen to the parents who know about the part of the south you are thinking of moving to. Maybe you could open yourself up to a child of either gender who is white, that would decrease the wait time. I originally wanted a girl, but love having a boy. I didn't grow up with boys but I love having a son. I think you should think of the child in a racist environment ahead of your needs, either request only a white baby or don't move to a southern city.

[Anonymous]

I would not specify gender either. It makes it far harder. I wanted a girl too but my boy is amazing.

I would say your preference is for white but you are open to any race. We did that and ended up with a white child (just happened, we did not really care either way). I will say having a same race child makes things easier in many ways. After the newness of adoption wears off, no one really questions you and if you are not with dad/spouse they just ask if child looks like dad. However, if you are open to it, I've seen many families do a wonderful job and make it work.

To me, its far more important to have a good relationship/comfortable with the birthparents & family, mental health, substance abuse and other issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm the white adoptive mom of an AA child. I couldn't do it without the support of my AA friends, AA teachers in his school, AA coaches etc . . . The reality is that my kid needs role models and skills that DH and I can't provide.

Given that, I'd be hesitant to adopt transracially if I wasn't already somewhere I had a support network, and was established in a diverse community. I would worry about doing that in a new community -- Southern or not,

[Anonymous]

Why not contact Richmond based adoptive parents groups and ask if they could give you the names of two or three white couples with adopted aa kids and contact those parents to discuss their experiences.

[Anonymous]

In answer to one of your questions, OP, yes, we had success after requesting a Caucasian girl infant. We adopted in Florida.

[Anonymous]

Op here- Thanks for the frank replies. I especially appreciate the advice to speak with other adoptive parents in Richmond.
There are a variety of reasons why we are choosing a southern city (family, etc). Just know it's not something we are flexing on.

It is very important to us to expose any adopted child of a different race to his/her background. I'm not comfortable "white washing" the situation and if we had an AA child would want to be involved in an AA church, have AA role models and friends etc. I don't think it would be easy in a city like Richmond.

Question: do you think it would be just as challenging with a Latina child in the south? I just assumed it would be less of an issue, but am honestly ignorant about that scenario.
Thx! Appreciate responses, especially from those who have lived in southern cities!