Grandparents who don't care

[Anonymous]

12:21, have a similar situation with my father. The attachment to the dog is weird, isn't it? I chalk it up to not being able to cope with real emotional intimacy with another human being. My dad was a fine father, but he was never very involved and didn't want any part of the difficult times. Now that he's older, he feels that he doesn't need to do anything that makes him even remotely uncomfortable. The thing that gets me is that he thinks it's endearing and funny that he's attached to the dog and "doesn't really like kids." I used to think it was kind of normal -- now I see how odd it is. He isn't as blatant as your FIL and I think he genuinely just doesn't know what to do (so sometimes I feel a little sorry for him), but it's frustrating that he won't even try.

[Anonymous]

Ugh! This is not the first thread that came up on this and every time I get all worked up. DH's dad has been down from New England to visit us only once since DC#1 was born (DC was one, and is now nearly 6) and has not even met #2, who is 3 and a half. He could be an incredible influence on them, he is a gifted scientist, he has the means to visit, but emotionally...He reminds me of what Jennifer Aniston said about Brad Pitt when they were still together but he did that W magazine photo shoot with Angelina Jolie, he's "missing a sensitivity chip."
FIL came through town on vacation with DH's half siblings and never called, we saw it in Facebook photos after the fact.
When we call to try and arrange to come up and visit they are always busy or have some excuse, whatever the season.
I chalk it up to my step MIL, his second wife. I think she still sees DH as a threat, walking evidence that she was a homewrecker. And since FIL lets her do all the family social planning, DH gets cut out.
Sometimes I think it might be better to never have had a parent than have one who is a poor excuse for one. It might be less painful. Anyway, we've stopped trying so hard and now we invest our emotional energy in the loving relatives who actually respond in kind.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with the absentee grandmother. She never bothered to meet us and now that she's old and gray she expects us to fall at her feet....no thanks. Don't worry OP, your kids won't miss what they never had.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm probably terrible for thinking this, but I'm so relieved to not be alone. When I was in surgery with my first miscarriage my mom told DH she was glad I lost the baby because I was getting fat. Since then she's done nothing but criticize and say nasty things about our efforts to get pg. She demanded I take her to the hospital during - yes, during! - my 3rd miscarriage because she bumped her head. (ER doc told her she was the healthiest person in there.) I've had eight miscarriages now and she somehow still manages to make it about her, especially to her friends, who comfort her for her losses. She eats that stuff up! In the meantime, she has already told me point blank that she wants nothing to do with any child we might have until that kid is at least five years old. I'm sure she'll be like the pp's parents who love pictures they can use to brag.

I had no idea so many others have similar parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm probably terrible for thinking this, but I'm so relieved to not be alone. When I was in surgery with my first miscarriage my mom told DH she was glad I lost the baby because I was getting fat. Since then she's done nothing but criticize and say nasty things about our efforts to get pg. She demanded I take her to the hospital during - yes, during! - my 3rd miscarriage because she bumped her head. (ER doc told her she was the healthiest person in there.) I've had eight miscarriages now and she somehow still manages to make it about her, especially to her friends, who comfort her for her losses. She eats that stuff up! In the meantime, she has already told me point blank that she wants nothing to do with any child we might have until that kid is at least five years old. I'm sure she'll be like the pp's parents who love pictures they can use to brag.

I had no idea so many others have similar parents.

WOW - your MIL sounds as histrionic and pathologically selfish as mine. Please, extricate yourself (and get DH on board). Now is a bad time for her drama in your life. Why have any communication at all - kick that psycho to the curb (like we did).

[Anonymous]

22:33. Why do you keep your mother in your life? She was glad you had a miscarriage? She shows no sympathy over you having 8? I tend to think it would be healthier for you mentally to cut this awful woman out of your life.

[Anonymous]

22:33 here. It's my mom, not my MIL. My MIL is wonderful.

22:51 - I thought about it but I would not be able to live with myself. She has alienated everyone else in her life and has no one but me. I simply can't do that to my mom. I did go to therapy though and have established better boundaries. It helps. Thankfully, so does moving 3,000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are unfortunate to have two sets of useless, uncaring, terrible grandparents. It took my parents 7 years to meet our children. DH father has never seen them and we haven't seen his mother in 3 or 4 years. We fill our lives with people and other family members who love us and try to fill in the gaps as best we can. Sadly, we seem to always be in the market for grandparents for them. My youngest son asked me if I had a mother the other day.

These stories are truly heartbreaking. 7 years?? PP, are you saying that your parents totally ignored their grandkids from birth until the age of 7??? Unbelievable.

My ILs are also not particularly involved (and yes, MIL is huge on pictures, taking kids' pictures is all she does when she comes to visit), but we see them every couple of months. Compared to what other posters have, we're rather lucky.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one whose Dad prefers a dog to human grandchildren. He has a lab that he spoils rotten, but is distant with his own grandchildren. He was a great Dad growing up, but my Mom died a few years ago and I think he became depressed and found the most comfort from his pet.

I was close to my grandparents growing up and I'm sad that my kids don't have that same relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:33. Why do you keep your mother in your life? She was glad you had a miscarriage? She shows no sympathy over you having 8? I tend to think it would be healthier for you mentally to cut this awful woman out of your life.

+1

I would have cut her out after that first comment - how enraging. Glad to see that your MIL is a gem, though.

[Anonymous]

The hurt about parental and grandparental absenteeism due to narcissism is that the child or grandchild may still want a relationship. How much of an effort should a parent make to create that relationship? Do you make an annual pilgrimmage, even though you simply will be ignored in person? We live far from our family and I'm worn out from the financial and emotional drain ofthese visits. Has anyone found a good balance or perhaps just a mantra to get through these so-called-vacations? I keep reminding myself, it's the right thing to do, it's the right thing to do. But how right is it?

[Anonymous]

16:08: thank you for sharing your story. This explains my MILs flat affect. She is an over the top *UN*emotional mess. It is clear someone so void of emotion has problems. I have never heard her give anyone a compliment. When she does, it sounds forced, and it seems to be repeating what someone else said. It is hard to explain, but it is so obvious when you see it. If she weren't so nasty, I would feel bad for her.

16:42 - if it is any conciliation, I avoid the vacations and have Dh and the kids go. I don't care to be her scapegoat, its not healthy for anyone. As it is, she yells at the kids for nothing. Don't worry, I gave them comebacks.

The best part about this thread is that we are not alone. It is a shame that some have no idea what we go through. I hope they know how lucky they are if they don't have to deal with this nonsense from a grown woman who SHOULD know better.

[Anonymous]

My dad does the same thing and it really upsets me. Not only has he seen my DD twice for a total of 4 days in 2 years, but I am an only child and other than me, my Dad has no living relatives. You'd think he would want to know his only grandkid.
Sorry, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. I just meandered here from Expectant Moms, I have an almost 3 month old and sort of spaced out that I needed to move along to the next appropriate forum. So here I am and this is the thread for me.

I hear the poster with the narcissistic mother, have one of my own and called her out on it a few years back. The relationship soured, and because the rest of the family is scared of how filled with rage she is, they tried to stay out of it - until she started blaming them for stuff she was doing to me. I cut her off and was happy for it, and she spent my entire pregnancy in attack-mode. I'm lucky I didn't miscarry it was so stressful.

So here we are, having had a baby after many years of infertility that my family knew about and NO ONE HAS CALLED ME. It was sad at first, now it's like, they're just dead to me. They found out I had the baby through Facebook (can you imagine?) Fortunately I learned about their grandparent skills from watching them with my nieces - much like you all describe: yelling, not interested, don't really care about them, don't want them to visit their precious house and get it dirty.

I refuse to subject my daughter to that. Sorry my nieces had to be the training ground though.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm so, so sad that this thread is still going on. i hope we can all have a good weekend and hug our kids a little tighter and learn from our parents what NOT to be to our kids.