Grandparents who don't care

[Anonymous]

I know I probably should learn not to care already, but it really hurts my feelings when my child's grandparents don't call for 2 or 3 months at a time. They live fairly close and claim to be old and not able to drive much yet they drive the same distance to their other house almost every weekend. When they're not doing that, they are traveling the world (we are talking Cambodia here). I'm just fed up and feel bad for my son. That's it. Vent over.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents are exactly the same way. Except that they also have the audacity to freak out and complain that DS prefers my parents, who actually make an effort to see him and play with him. I don't feel sad for my son, though, I feel sad for them. I think that eventualy they're going to realize they made a mistake and want to be closer with him, but by then he'll be older and done with them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. i used to call and try to take my ds up because I was hoping they'll establish some kind of a bond. But clearly it's time to face the reality. And you're right. They probably will regret it one day and my son won't care about them at all. I grew up in a much tighter family so this kind of behavior is very strange to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, unfortunately you are not alone. DHs mom sees DC only when she needs something. I tell myself it is just as well, since they are cold, caustic, selfish, insular and discourteous; we really don't want that rubbing off on our children. They are old enough to make their own judgments of who are good people and who simply is not. It has nothing to do with you. I would bet (if you are like me) you try your best to be gracious and do the right thing, only for the same old treatment. I try for DH's sake, but they have always been abusive to him, especially when he is generous, so there really is no use with some people.

[Anonymous]

DH's whole family is like this. Sad. The kids are kind of over it but it is very hurtful to him. By our lights calling every 2-3 months is super close, we don't get any calls. They Skype with other family members daily however. These are the only grandchildren. It's so strange.

[Anonymous]

My only brother is like this. I came to terms with it for myself years ago, but it's reopening the wound to see it all over again with DC. Nothing you can do, but it does hurt. Just repeat age-appropriate and non-bitter-sounding variations of "that's just the way they are, they don't like to talk on the phone, they love you and are thinking about you," etc. When they're older you can talk about it being disappointing or whatever, so they don't think it's them (which children do even when totally illogical).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's parents are exactly the same way. Except that they also have the audacity to freak out and complain that DS prefers my parents, who actually make an effort to see him and play with him. I don't feel sad for my son, though, I feel sad for them. I think that eventualy they're going to realize they made a mistake and want to be closer with him, but by then he'll be older and done with them.

This is our situation as well.

Haven't seen my MIL for at least 2 months now but this past weekend DH invited her for grilled food so she managed to drive out to our house. She walked in salivating and saying she's had a craving for grilled food.
The grill broke on us and we had to bake the food in the oven. Before going to bed that night my DH seemed really bothered and when I asked him what was wrong he said his mother told him she drove all the way out here for nothing. We only live 35 minutes away. While she was here she cleaned out her purse and took a nap. She was so disinterested in our kids it was heartbreaking.

When my FIL comes he completely ignores my 4 year old. My little boy will ask questions or just wants to chat,play ball and his grandfather acts as if he is invisible.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much. I'm sorry you all are dealing with this crap. Family should be more than this. What made me so upset today is that they called DH to talk about the elections and never once asked about their grandchild.

[Anonymous]

My mom's narcissism really became so clear after I had kids. I'm not even bothering getting upset anymore about how uninterested she is in her grandkids - the thing that pisses me off still is her insatiable demand for an audience. Now that I have kids, she has to share my attention with my toddler and baby. They are almost her competitors, and she subtly lets me know how dissatisfied she is when I'm not able to spend all damn day enthralled with anything and everything that comes out of her mouth. Her need for constant adulation wears on me more than the demands of my kids, because their needs are real (feed me! change me! I just bumped my head!) and hers are just, well, pathetic. Uggh.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone! DH's family has not even met our almost 4 year old DD. They actually don't even know her name or the day she was born. The day we called his mom to say we were having a girl she just never called back. There of course is a long history of his mom and sister vanishing out of his life but this is just unfathomable to me. AND it's the only grandchild in his entire family. He actually called his mom to try and reconnect last winter and she just never responded. His mom and sister probably only live about 30 minutes from us too. It makes me so angry it can make me ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much. I'm sorry you all are dealing with this crap. Family should be more than this. What made me so upset today is that they called DH to talk about the elections and never once asked about their grandchild.

My FIL calls my husband on a regular basis and rarely asks about his only grandchildren. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

My MIL acts like the other (grown) grandchildren are the second coming of Christ himself and practically ignores her sons (DH and mine) children. It is abnormal, hateful and a huge reflection on her, as we did nothing but try to be nice.

OP, sometimes it is just not worth it. Our DC know, and notice that we have many friends, are very social and are well liked and involved, so they know it is not us. You set your own example for your own children. Awful people notwithstanding. DC will soon be old enough (if not already) to realize their grandparents suck. Age is no excuse for being an a&&hole.

My MIL thinks she is on par with the Queen Mum. Anyone that knows her has news for her

[Anonymous]

Same here OP (and others). My Dad is in pretty good health and didn't meet my daughter until she was 2. My Mom died while I was pregnant with my second child, and during a visit while my Mom clearly was going downhill (again, while I was pregnant) my Dad looked at me and said "I just need you to know I'm not going to be a grieving widower". My Mom was sleeping in the bed down the hall and dying of cancer that had metastasized all over her body. And then he told me how he "never really loved my Mom the way he should have..." after almost 40 years of marriage. Again, she was dying but still alive and all he could do was think of himself. And I paid for home health care folks to come in and help her (in addition to Hospice) because he acted like his finances were bad. Only to find out that his many girlfriends following my Mom's death have received expensive gifts. But at least I know my Mom was being well taken care of by trained nurses when I wasn't able to be there rather than my asshole Dad.

So - I am actually glad my kids don't know this person and I am shutting him out of my life too, for the most part!

[Anonymous]

Just on 20.45's post - I do think it's so much worse when there are different standards for different granchildren. Not to diminish OP's situation (which sucks) but it's heartbreaking when some grandkids get all the attention and it's like others don't exist. Kids notice from a really young age. Our broader family has an internal class system where favourites are picked seemingly at random. I'd prefer no attention to trying to explain to my kids why the Grands go on and on about some kids like they are Nobel prize winners at 6 and virtually ignore the others when they are all pretty much alike and doing pretty much the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just on 20.45's post - I do think it's so much worse when there are different standards for different granchildren. Not to diminish OP's situation (which sucks) but it's heartbreaking when some grandkids get all the attention and it's like others don't exist. Kids notice from a really young age. Our broader family has an internal class system where favourites are picked seemingly at random. I'd prefer no attention to trying to explain to my kids why the Grands go on and on about some kids like they are Nobel prize winners at 6 and virtually ignore the others when they are all pretty much alike and doing pretty much the same thing.

I cometely agree. Op here again. I think it's despicable when they so blatantly choose one grandchild over the other. Weren't those people parents at one point? Surely they know what it must feel!!! Right!!! Sometimes I think the older some peope get the more selfish they get.

My son has a cousin who lives 10 minutes from grandparents and they see her at least once per week. I always chopped that off to proximity (even though I know there is more to it). It's dispicable any way you look at it. I'm think I'm done trying to make excuses for them. If they want to be involved I have no problem with that, but I'm not going out of my way to make it happen.