Grandparents who don't care

[Anonymous]

You really aren't alone...and I am sorry for that.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of us out here with parents who don't care to be grandparents so much -- unless, like my parents, they simply want PHOTOS of them so they can brag to their friends while completely ignoring the same children when they visit.

Or even better, spending all of their time yelling or snapping at the children. Oh, but they need those pictures so they can keep up the facade of being fabulous grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, OP. I have come to terms with this by reaching out on a schedule I feel comfortable with (about once every six months) and expecting NOTHING in return. Sometimes they do respond, so that's something, but at other times they don't bother. I think they are afraid of getting hurt, if you must know the truth. They were awful parents to DH, and he just left home and ignored them for years and years. He reached out after we had kids, but they were hurt (understandably). I think they are paying him back by hurting his children, which is childish of them, but that's the way they are. They were awful, selfish parents, but at some level they love DH and our children, so it's worth it to me to reach out to them periodically and hope they respond, even a little bit.

BTW, this thread is reminding me of how difficult and painful families are, and how important it is to be careful and thoughtful about how we raise our children. I'm doing my best to be honest with my children and maintain good relationships with them. I have teenagers now, and it's getting very tough, but I still think it's doable if you remember to act like an adult at all times.

Good luck, OP. Sorry you (and all of us) have to endure this. Families ought to be a source of joy and support, yet so often they are a source of intense pain and disappointment. I'm trying very hard to be a better parent than I need to be.

[Anonymous]

Same here, OP. I've come to terms with the fact that my adoptive parents are terrible people. Luckily both my birth mother and her husband and DHs mother and her husband are very involved and loving, and I'm so grateful that my kids can still have four grandparents who care about them. My kids have had eight grandparents and one was an alcoholic, one ran away, and two are just mean people. For 5 years I attempted to care for my parents, but they just fought me and took advantage. DH and I found them a nursing home, they got kicked out. I sent monthly Walmart gift cards for expenses, dad spent it all on cigarettes. They've never asked my third child's name. It's hurtful, but your life and your kids is better off without those people, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's situation. To the outside world, my in-laws appear to be doting, but the problem we have is that they clearly favor the other grandchildren. For now, it isn't obvious to my kids yet, as they are still young, but I think it will be apparent when they are older. The good news is that my mom makes up for any shortcoming. My DH either isn't bothered by it or is so used to it that he just doesn't care any more, but it's hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel. My father and I have always had a distant relationship, and he is only 45 minutes away and never calls or visits (like this whole year he hasn't been over once - and DD is almost 11 months old!!).

My MIL is a psycho who lives 20 minutes away and, likewise, hasn't been here all year.

FIL is in NY and he hasn't even met DD (just got out of the poke).

That leaves my mother, who is 3 hours away but visits occasionally.

So sad. All of it.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother who had a baby before I did, and my parents haven't met their first grandchild for over 2 years! I still don't know why. After my son was born I did not expect much from them, but they have become quite involved. I think that was both due to proximity and the illusion that by having their daughter as mother (primary caregiver) they became closer and more influential as compared to when they were related through the father. I come from a culture where fathers are much less involved in child rearing than mothers.
Anyway, after becoming involved with my son they gradually started getting involved with their other grandchildren (another one was born in my brothers family by then). I really don't know why this happened and what was the trigger.

[Anonymous]

We have a grandfather like this. He's estranged from his son, my husband, over some petty matter that is really not my husband's fault. As a result, any tenuous ties he has to our children were severed.

Our older daughter is five, and she knows she has a grandfather whom she doesn't know. She hasn't really asked about him, but once, when she did, I just told her: "Your grandpa is not ready to love and be loved by us. It is not our fault. He is just not able to do the things we know loving family and friends do, like feel happiness and joy when we meet, miss each other when we're away, and give hugs and kisses. Maybe he'll change and one day he'll want to be that kind of person, but maybe not. Anyway, it's okay--you papa, your mama, and you we love each other soooo much, and we're a team no matter what."

[Anonymous]

My father sends presents but never visits. He is too busy living retired life -- he is very active. I'm not sure whether it's better to get a present from an unknown relative who never visits or just to cut him out of our lives. He even stays at our house when we're out of town, but can't manage to be here when we're in town.

[Anonymous]

My ILs spent a lot of time focusing on SIL's kids (girls) and ignore mine (boys). I understand in part because our relationship is good and their family life is awful -- terrible dad, neglectful SIL, divorced -- but it still gets me sometimes. We each visit the same amount of time (1 week per year) and to this day MIL always tells me to bring a lot of toys because she "only has girl toys." I mean, really? I understand not having any toys at all if you only see the grandkids 1 week per year, I wouldn't mind that, but to only buy toys for the OTHER grandkids is a bit over the top. Why not buy unisex toys that would appeal to both? Luckily DS is not afraid to play with butterfly wing costumes sometimes.

We invite them to our beach vacation, holidays etc. but they always spend holidays with the other grandkids because "they feel sorry for them." That's fine but don't complain when my boys are a little shy around you - they never see you! What do you expect?!?!

[Anonymous]

PP, ITA there are grandparents that want the FACADE of being grandparents by taking pictures as if they are involved, for example. Isn't it disgusting?

MIL wasn't much of a mom, so we can't expect her to be much of a grandmother. People see right through it, don't worry!

[Anonymous]

My FIL thinks our DOG is his grandson, instead of our toddler. When we call (he NEVER does) he asks about the dog, the other day he spent 30 minutes talking about how wonderful our dog was, while DH was trying to talk about our son.

A couple of months ago we spent some days with him at his house and he didn't even pick up the child. Anytime he would interact with his grandfather (playing pickaboo or something) he ignored him, his wife had to tell him 'Look, he's playing with you, say something'. I was petrified when, when we were leaving, he hugs and kisses the DOG and says: 'OH, I'm going to miss you so much', while he totally ignored his grandson.

It's sad.

[Anonymous]

20:45 here. Agreed PPs! The arbitrary favoritism is the worst. It unfortunately carries over from the parents interaction with their children. One or two children get assigned the "practically flawless, beyond amazing and can do no wrong" label of some sort, only to carry over to the innocent grandchildren (mostly because the "super-children" turn out to be anything but).

MIL is like this. It is both extremely sad and extremely humorous to see her literally (no exaggeration here) jump for certain children and their spouses. She is only handicapping them, she has no idea. If she really loved the "favorites" she would not have favorites, thus handicap them so much!

Lets just say Karma truly is a bitch - moreso than MIL, if that is possible

We live closest in proximity (5-10 minutes) to MIL, and she literally drives right by the house to do other non-mandatory and social things, so she has no excuse and everyone knows it. She's just a miserable person, which most people see when she is around a non miserable person (she lashes out, its really weird). You know, maybe we are better off without her.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I can relate. My parents live less than 5 miles away and are barely involved with the kids. They like to see pictures, and they ask me to bring them over, but when I do, they don't play with them. Sometimes they don't even come into the same room that the kids are in. They don't babysit, they don't like to go out on outings with me and the kids. It's very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My kids are unfortunate to have two sets of useless, uncaring, terrible grandparents. It took my parents 7 years to meet our children. DH father has never seen them and we haven't seen his mother in 3 or 4 years. We fill our lives with people and other family members who love us and try to fill in the gaps as best we can. Sadly, we seem to always be in the market for grandparents for them. My youngest son asked me if I had a mother the other day.