what if having kids is actually a huge drag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are amazing. You have to open up completely to them, and that mediates a lot of the boredom and isolation. I made so many mistakes with this, not understanding why some days were so much better than others. It was *all* about me and my expectations and unresolved selfishness. It gets so much easier and more pleasurable when you just let go and dive in to what the kid is learning and becoming.

A lot of the drudgery isn't about having kids at all. It's about having kids in an isolated nuclear family without adequate social and practical support. That shit is destructive and it is not a joke. The difference when there are enough people around to relieve loneliness, keep the kids happy and occupied, and share the household work is night and day.

After making your marriage as solid as you can, the single most important thing you can do for family happiness is to develop a reliable, resilient, giving and accepting social group who will spend real time with you and enjoy your family life. The self-centered, high-maintenance ones are a luxury; they can come to your annual party until you have time for them again, if you ever do. You need the one who comes over, finds you exhausted and starving, looks in your nearly empty fridge, laughs his ass off, and puts a pot of mystery stuff on the stove. You need the one who takes the baby outside to look at the sky so you can shower and then tells you funny stories until you pee and then lets you shower again.

There's no time for anything that's not the real thing.

This is just a million percent correct, right here.

The lack of such a social network (and a rocky marriage) is the reason I did not have a second.

[b]So how does one find friends with work all day and childcare outside of work? I am so painfully lonely and I am married.
Sorry to hijack

[/b]

PP, I found that my social network opened up as my daughter became older. I met the parents of her friends, and we became friendly. I'm a single mom and still rely upon my core group of girlfriends, most of whom aren't married.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP, that is really encouraging. Hope helps me be positive. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one will be honest with you. You will love your kids more than your life but it is kind of a drag. Also, disregard all posts about cuteness, sweetness, hugs... They will all become teenagers. No one thinks of that when they think about having babies.

Yes, they will, and they'll smell and roll their eyes and maybe have big problems and also be amazing. When they're teenagers, it's not that they're adorable, it's they they'll say something you have no idea they were ready to think, and the way they are full of frustrated magic and you can barely touch them. You can really not enjoy being around them, and feel rejected and powerless, and still have some appreciation, even reverence, for their struggle to become themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, there is plenty about it that is a drag. But there is a whole heck of a lot that is not.

Exactly. It's definitely work, but so is marriage and pretty much every other meaningful relationship in your life.

[Anonymous]

I was never sure that I wanted a child, unlike friends who were totally, absolutely certain. DS (now 3.5) is the light of my life, and I can't imagine not having him. But as PPs have said, there's a lot about parenthood that isn't rainbows and unicorns. DS is a handful, the first months weren't great (I HATED maternity leave), we go through a lot of irritating phases, and there are a lot of stressors related to balancing parenthood/marriage, parenthood/work, you name it. I have been so lucky to find a community of moms at work; I was lonely early on, and this has been a real saving grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one will be honest with you. You will love your kids more than your life but it is kind of a drag. Also, disregard all posts about cuteness, sweetness, hugs... They will all become teenagers. No one thinks of that when they think about having babies.

Yes, they will, and they'll smell and roll their eyes and maybe have big problems and also be amazing. When they're teenagers, it's not that they're adorable, it's they they'll say something you have no idea they were ready to think, and the way they are full of frustrated magic and you can barely touch them. You can really not enjoy being around them, and feel rejected and powerless, and still have some appreciation, even reverence, for their struggle to become themselves.

Well, that is all true and I was not trying to be discouraging but I do think parenting is kind of a drag all the way through. It also wonderful and magical but the drag part should not be denied. And, in all honesty, sometimes I think that I can't bear the pain of watching them go through all of the difficulties of life and being powerless to change any of it for them. I can support but I can't fix and that is very very hard for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one will be honest with you. You will love your kids more than your life but it is kind of a drag. Also, disregard all posts about cuteness, sweetness, hugs... They will all become teenagers. No one thinks of that when they think about having babies.

Yes, they will, and they'll smell and roll their eyes and maybe have big problems and also be amazing. When they're teenagers, it's not that they're adorable, it's they they'll say something you have no idea they were ready to think, and the way they are full of frustrated magic and you can barely touch them. You can really not enjoy being around them, and feel rejected and powerless, and still have some appreciation, even reverence, for their struggle to become themselves.

Well, that is all true and I was not trying to be discouraging but I do think parenting is kind of a drag all the way through. It also wonderful and magical but the drag part should not be denied. And, in all honesty, sometimes I think that I can't bear the pain of watching them go through all of the difficulties of life and being powerless to change any of it for them. I can support but I can't fix and that is very very hard for me.

So, so true.

[Anonymous]

Parent of a 15 y.o. here - I can confirm its a PITA.