what if having kids is actually a huge drag?

[Anonymous]

There is a LOT of raising kids that is a drag and not fun. It will have a huge impact on your life and what you can do, plus your own personal goals. People who can see and want the positives to children despite the negatives, should have children. The people that see the negatives as overwhelming the positives should stay childfree. It is best if you can figure this out about yourself before too olate.

[Anonymous]

I think parenting is full of peaks and troughs. It's just easier to talk about the troughs.

This article speaks to it for me - lots of short term misery for long term rewards. Read to the end!

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

[Anonymous]

Yes, parenting is especially hard years 1-4. You will say many times - why? Why? And miss some things about your old life. Like sleeping in on weekends or any day for that matter. Like reading a book or having any hobby. Traveling without all the gear and hassle...eventually you let it go and forget about it by the time you really start to enjoy your kids.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is definitely a drag. So is the slog up the bottom part of a forested, humid, mosquito heavy trail. But then you get out of the trees and the bugs, and above tree line, and finally to the top and the world opens up around you and it's amazing and uplifting and (for me) the closest I'll ever get to whatever kind of god might exist. Parenting is like that. There are periods where you're just slogging through the day, so tired you can't see straight, annoyed beyond belief by the constant whys and chaos that erupts behind you the moment you turn your back. But then there are the periods where parenting is fun and joyous and you look up and realize how full and complete your life feels with these people in it, and how lucky you are to get to know and parent them.

If you are struggling this much to have kids I am sure it will be the right decision for you. But like most of us there will probably be moments once your baby is here where you wonder what the hell you were thinking. And I think that feeling can be extra hard for IF sufferers to deal with because they tried so hard to have that baby that they feel they should just be happy about it. But IF or not sleep deprivation still sucks. Getting peed /pooped / barfed on still sucks. Not getting 2 minutes alone to just pee by yourself still sucks. And it's OK to think that. Because while the hugs and kisses and love and the chance to reclaim a bit of the child in yourself really do make it all worth it, it doesn't mean it makes it all fun.

Good luck to you OP. And wishing you the chance to learn this all for yourself soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parenting is full of peaks and troughs. It's just easier to talk about the troughs.

This article speaks to it for me - lots of short term misery for long term rewards. Read to the end!

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

I remember reading this when it came out. It hit the whole thing right on the nose for me. I recall something about how parenting is basically long days and hours of boredom and effort interspersed with occasional "moments of transcendence.". That is exactly it for me. And it couldn't be more worth it.

[Anonymous]

Kids are amazing. You have to open up completely to them, and that mediates a lot of the boredom and isolation. I made so many mistakes with this, not understanding why some days were so much better than others. It was *all* about me and my expectations and unresolved selfishness. It gets so much easier and more pleasurable when you just let go and dive in to what the kid is learning and becoming.

A lot of the drudgery isn't about having kids at all. It's about having kids in an isolated nuclear family without adequate social and practical support. That shit is destructive and it is not a joke. The difference when there are enough people around to relieve loneliness, keep the kids happy and occupied, and share the household work is night and day.

After making your marriage as solid as you can, the single most important thing you can do for family happiness is to develop a reliable, resilient, giving and accepting social group who will spend real time with you and enjoy your family life. The self-centered, high-maintenance ones are a luxury; they can come to your annual party until you have time for them again, if you ever do. You need the one who comes over, finds you exhausted and starving, looks in your nearly empty fridge, laughs his ass off, and puts a pot of mystery stuff on the stove. You need the one who takes the baby outside to look at the sky so you can shower and then tells you funny stories until you pee and then lets you shower again.

There's no time for anything that's not the real thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are amazing. You have to open up completely to them, and that mediates a lot of the boredom and isolation. I made so many mistakes with this, not understanding why some days were so much better than others. It was *all* about me and my expectations and unresolved selfishness. It gets so much easier and more pleasurable when you just let go and dive in to what the kid is learning and becoming.

A lot of the drudgery isn't about having kids at all. It's about having kids in an isolated nuclear family without adequate social and practical support. That shit is destructive and it is not a joke. The difference when there are enough people around to relieve loneliness, keep the kids happy and occupied, and share the household work is night and day.

After making your marriage as solid as you can, the single most important thing you can do for family happiness is to develop a reliable, resilient, giving and accepting social group who will spend real time with you and enjoy your family life. The self-centered, high-maintenance ones are a luxury; they can come to your annual party until you have time for them again, if you ever do. You need the one who comes over, finds you exhausted and starving, looks in your nearly empty fridge, laughs his ass off, and puts a pot of mystery stuff on the stove. You need the one who takes the baby outside to look at the sky so you can shower and then tells you funny stories until you pee and then lets you shower again.

There's no time for anything that's not the real thing.

This is just a million percent correct, right here.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with secondary infertility and let me tell you having child number one rocked my world. HARDEST job in the world, def. no walk in the park. Despite that, as my DD turned 4 this year, I can't tell you how much I longed to go through it all again b/c she his the love of my life! There are stressful hard days (more when they're young and you're sleep deprived), but like others have said, the positives outweigh negatives to a parent when it comes to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Granted, I only have 1 kid who is a good sleeper and I have a husband who is an equal participant - so I probably have it kind of easy... but honestly, having a kid has been a total blast for us. I love her to death and I love watching her grow up. I never considered myself as someone who "had" to have children, and I'm truly so glad I did.

+1000! I have a really, really easy 3.5 year old daughter. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating at this parenthood thing, because, so far, it is so easy and fun. (I know, I know - just wait for the teenage years!)

[Anonymous]

I wonder about this all the time. I am really concerned when I see badly-behaved kids of friends/relatives, or tantruming kids in restaurants.

Also, I have more neuroticism about finances than most people and it really scares me about the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are amazing. You have to open up completely to them, and that mediates a lot of the boredom and isolation. I made so many mistakes with this, not understanding why some days were so much better than others. It was *all* about me and my expectations and unresolved selfishness. It gets so much easier and more pleasurable when you just let go and dive in to what the kid is learning and becoming.

A lot of the drudgery isn't about having kids at all. It's about having kids in an isolated nuclear family without adequate social and practical support. That shit is destructive and it is not a joke. The difference when there are enough people around to relieve loneliness, keep the kids happy and occupied, and share the household work is night and day.

After making your marriage as solid as you can, the single most important thing you can do for family happiness is to develop a reliable, resilient, giving and accepting social group who will spend real time with you and enjoy your family life. The self-centered, high-maintenance ones are a luxury; they can come to your annual party until you have time for them again, if you ever do. You need the one who comes over, finds you exhausted and starving, looks in your nearly empty fridge, laughs his ass off, and puts a pot of mystery stuff on the stove. You need the one who takes the baby outside to look at the sky so you can shower and then tells you funny stories until you pee and then lets you shower again.

There's no time for anything that's not the real thing.

This is just a million percent correct, right here.

The lack of such a social network (and a rocky marriage) is the reason I did not have a second.

So how does one find friends with work all day and childcare outside of work? I am so painfully lonely and I am married.

Sorry to hijack

[Anonymous]

Today was a really tough day with my daughter, she didn't want to go to school. She was fussy on the way home...she was loud at dinner and we had to keep reminding her to be quiet, sit down, eat, etc.

At the end of the night she gave me a big hug and said "I love you mommy, you are my best friend"

Sometimes you have bad stressful days, but the cuteness wipes it all away in a second.

[Anonymous]

Kids are never regrets because you love them so much when they are yours - guaranteed. But they are more work than anything you have ever done and the biggest redponsibility you'll ever have.

If you don't have a solud marriage though, don't do it. It will break your heart to put your kids through a bad marriage or broken home.

[Anonymous]

Solid

[Anonymous]

No one will be honest with you. You will love your kids more than your life but it is kind of a drag. Also, disregard all posts about cuteness, sweetness, hugs... They will all become teenagers. No one thinks of that when they think about having babies.