what if having kids is actually a huge drag?

[Anonymous]

Am I evil for even asking this? Many friends with kids have confided in me how hard and stressful kids are, and how resentful and bewildering being a parent can be. Then I consider how hard my husband and I are trying to be parents, and my head starts to spin. I'd love to be a mother, to have a baby. Wouldn't I? I feel certain that I would. Then why do so many decent people have real ambivalence about parenthood? They really wanted their babies too, and they were "planned" etc. etc. I don't know what to make of all this. As if I needed to be any more confused and freaked out. I'm taking a nap now.

[Anonymous]

How many of them would rather not to have had kids? Very few, I gather.

Having kids has pluses and minuses. Just because pluses grossly outweigh minuses (at least from my perspective) it doesn't mean there are no minuses.

[Anonymous]

Yep, there is plenty about it that is a drag. But there is a whole heck of a lot that is not.

[Anonymous]

It can be a huge drag. But I feel as PP does, that the positives outweigh the negatives.

The only people I've really ever heard bemoan parenthood are the ones who didn't want to be parents anyway and got tricks/coerced/accidentally fell into it...and even those people only complain when it's an especially stressful time and I doubt they regret their kids. In my experience.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone in your thoughts. Sometimes I worry I've become so focused on the goal of getting pregnant, I haven't thought enough about the goal of being a parent.

What I try to do (not always with success), is not doubt that I want this but also let myself enjoy our child free time. We can still backpack, sleep in a tent for a couple nights, vacation wherever we want. So, while sad over my BNFs, I try to enjoy our child free options.

[Anonymous]

I felt that way too. Now that my son is almost 2, I finally realize why everyone wants kids. Yes, they are exhausting, but I love my son with a love I never knew was possible. It's impossible to explain.

[Anonymous]

I think the "ambivalence" that you're hearing is more about not ever really knowing what it's going to be like until you're in it. That's the thing about parenting. You can't know the depths of love that you'll find yourself feeling for this little person in your life. And you can't know the levels of physical exhaustion until it's 3:30 in the morning and your kid has vomited for the 3rd time on the bed.

It took 18 months of a lot of tears, money, drugs and negative pregnancy tests before I conceived dd. I wouldn't wish that bout of infertility on my worst enemy. And yet I do it all over again if it meant getting my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I've thought about this too. I told my husband that at least we will have a pretty easy life if we don't have kids. No financial worries, etc. but I still want at least one.

[Anonymous]

People have ambivalence, sure, but it is VERY rare for anyone to say they regret having kids. The drudgery is terrible at times, but the overall experience is beyond description. Don't give up.

[Anonymous]

I went through IF treatments to conceive my DS, and we're now trying for #2. When I went back to the RE a few months ago, when we were ready to start treatments for #2, I was really struck by how much you are focused on the goal of pregnancy when you are going through IF. Then, if you're lucky enough to become pg and have a healthy baby, you are A PARENT. And that is something hugely different that changes your life, your relationship with your partner, and everything. For everyone going through IF, this is probably the most significant thing in your life right now. but truly, if you have a child, this change in your life, becoming a parent, is 1000% times more significant than going through IF. I do think that parents who have gone through IF often have a unique appreciation for being parents and may be less likely to complain about the downsides of parenthood. I also think that part of the torture of IF is to have to have this incredibly prolonged anticipation of parenthood. There's so much focus on a baby, whereas that baby becomes a kid pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Granted, I only have 1 kid who is a good sleeper and I have a husband who is an equal participant - so I probably have it kind of easy... but honestly, having a kid has been a total blast for us. I love her to death and I love watching her grow up. I never considered myself as someone who "had" to have children, and I'm truly so glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Granted, I only have 1 kid who is a good sleeper and I have a husband who is an equal participant - so I probably have it kind of easy... but honestly, having a kid has been a total blast for us. I love her to death and I love watching her grow up. I never considered myself as someone who "had" to have children, and I'm truly so glad I did.

Same here. The problem is, I didn't think I was a kid-person so I haven't started TTC till I was 37. Now I want 2 more children but it could be too late.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I regret having kids. But that feeling is fleeting. I'm grateful for my kids -- one of whom has special needs and has been an INCREDIBLE amount of work -- and I cannot imagine my life without them. That said, some people -- close friends of mine included -- feel differently, and enjoy their "childfree" life. If I hadn't had my children, I'd probably feel the same way; conversely, if my childfree friends had had kids, they'd probably be saying that they cannot imagine living without them. I guarantee that either way, you will have a fulfilling life.

[Anonymous]

I've often had this thought. What scares me even more is having a special needs child after going through IF. I just saw the study linking autism and schizophrenia to father's age. We've moved on to DE but we are still using my over 40 husband's sperm.

[Anonymous]

NO! u will love it!