What makes your marriage miserable?

[Anonymous]

walking on eggshells with my DH, who rages and has been verbally abusive; but beyond that also his depressive, passive nature and no sex in a year, wondering if he is just massively repressed or closet gay; it is going home from work, DH shutting down and going to bed before the kids are asleep, no communication sometimes for days; that about summarizes the misery.

[Anonymous]

Lest you think that it's only "contentious women" who think you're a horse's ass, I'm a man (I dare say more of a man than you), and you're a backwards idiot who has watched too many episodes of Mad Men. I'd be bored to tears with the kind of simpering fool who is "allows me to make the right decision." Thank god my wife (a SAHM, by the way) isn't like that.

As for "it's not going to change biology," I was unaware that certain biology or plumbing was required to make the "right decisions." In fact, in my experience, decisions made by listening to a penis are invariably wrong, and often catastrophic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
he does not sound like a jerk, he is a jerk. he thinks that the role of a woman is to be supporting and encouraging and obtaining what she wants by using her feminility, while the husband obviously is the one who make the right choices for both. poor insecure man, you must really feel very little if you need a partner who can only smile lovingly at you and cannot even express her opinions and participate in the decision making process, other than using her "feminility". sounds like you have self estime issues. I grew up in a family where my parents were equal, loved, respected and supported each other, made each other feel safe and protected, confronted their opinions before making, jointly, any decision. my father was a highly paid professional, and my mother a SAHM, and they were always, before us and everybody, equal partners.

You seem to be the type of contentious woman that I am referring to. Always looking for an argument where there is none. Men and women are equal partners but that is where a lot of ladies (and men, but mostly ladies) get confused. Equal does not mean the same. Men and women are not the same. They are not wired the same way, and they don't need the same things out of relationships. You can yell, kick, scream and fight it until the cows come home. It's not going to change biology, and it's only going to make for a miserable home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:walking on eggshells with my DH, who rages and has been verbally abusive; but beyond that also his depressive, passive nature and no sex in a year, wondering if he is just massively repressed or closet gay; it is going home from work, DH shutting down and going to bed before the kids are asleep, no communication sometimes for days; that about summarizes the misery.

Does he drink?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my in-laws

+1

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although its often talked about in a joking, fact of life, kind of way, my former in laws did actually destroy my marriage. They constantly put ex dh in the middle and I slowly but surely started resenting the lack of will power he had when it came to defending me. For the first 2 years they were annoying, the 5 years after that they were a constant burden, the final 2 years they were the nail in the coffin. I tried to wait till they died but didn't have it in me anymore. My oldest dd, who is now in college, told me a couple weeks ago that her boyfriends parents were kind of strange and made her feel unwelcomed, I burst into tears immediately. I cannot imagine my daughter feeling an ounce of that pain. I will never, ever, ever treat my children's spouses like I was treated.

So, what I gather from this, is that maybe when people say their in laws make their marriage miserable, they really mean the way their spouse reacts to how the in laws treat them is the real problem? Because it seems that if your husband (or anyone's) actually took up for you and took your side and demanded the in laws respect you or keep their distance, things might have been okay. Would it be safe to say that in your situation, you might could have handled the in laws' behavior if only you felt your husband genuinely attempted to stand up for you and demand they treat you better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lest you think that it's only "contentious women" who think you're a horse's ass, I'm a man (I dare say more of a man than you), and you're a backwards idiot who has watched too many episodes of Mad Men. I'd be bored to tears with the kind of simpering fool who is "allows me to make the right decision." Thank god my wife (a SAHM, by the way) isn't like that.

As for "it's not going to change biology," I was unaware that certain biology or plumbing was required to make the "right decisions." In fact, in my experience, decisions made by listening to a penis are invariably wrong, and often catastrophic.

This is like the telephone game, only it shouldn't be because the words are right on the screen.

I did not say that women should be fools who let men decide on everything. An over emotional person, took a portion of a statement, threw out all logic, and ran with it.

Please stop derailing the discussion. If you are going to comment on what I said, then comment on what I actually said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:walking on eggshells with my DH, who rages and has been verbally abusive; but beyond that also his depressive, passive nature and no sex in a year, wondering if he is just massively repressed or closet gay; it is going home from work, DH shutting down and going to bed before the kids are asleep, no communication sometimes for days; that about summarizes the misery.

Does he drink?

He used to; is an alcoholic but dry now; and is on antidepressents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although its often talked about in a joking, fact of life, kind of way, my former in laws did actually destroy my marriage. They constantly put ex dh in the middle and I slowly but surely started resenting the lack of will power he had when it came to defending me. For the first 2 years they were annoying, the 5 years after that they were a constant burden, the final 2 years they were the nail in the coffin. I tried to wait till they died but didn't have it in me anymore. My oldest dd, who is now in college, told me a couple weeks ago that her boyfriends parents were kind of strange and made her feel unwelcomed, I burst into tears immediately. I cannot imagine my daughter feeling an ounce of that pain. I will never, ever, ever treat my children's spouses like I was treated.

PP I completely understand. Been married 5 years and are in counseling because of DH's family...mainly MIL but its the entire dymanic and he does not know how to deal with it. Its not completely his fault but he cannot manage his relationship with them and in turn our relationship is also suffering.

So yes screw my IL's is how I feel right now. Although I know if our marriage is going to work I have to try and swallow my distaste for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does 'know your place' mean?

It means that everyone has a role to play in life, and people would be much happier if they "played their role" instead of trying to force themselves into a role that doesn't fit.
A wife's role is not to compete with her husband, boss him around, complain about everything, run over him, etc. Instead she should learn the art of femininity. It's not a bad thing to be supportive, encouraging, and kind. In fact, you'll get more of what you want if you learn how to properly treat your husband. (Aside from the exceptions I mentioned before). Life will be easier for you if you learn where your power lies and how to use it...or you can keep doing what you are doing and you will be forever complaining about your husband.

Men too, have a place or a role to play. It's not to ignore their wives, belittle them, sit on the couch and play games all day, etc. Instead they need to learn how to love their wives, truly love them and make it known. She should feel like a Queen. She should feel safe with you, confident that you can make the right choices, loved, and protected.

Mittens, is that you honey?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

he does not sound like a jerk, he is a jerk. he thinks that the role of a woman is to be supporting and encouraging and obtaining what she wants by using her feminility, while the husband obviously is the one who make the right choices for both. poor insecure man, you must really feel very little if you need a partner who can only smile lovingly at you and cannot even express her opinions and participate in the decision making process, other than using her "feminility". sounds like you have self estime issues. I grew up in a family where my parents were equal, loved, respected and supported each other, made each other feel safe and protected, confronted their opinions before making, jointly, any decision. my father was a highly paid professional, and my mother a SAHM, and they were always, before us and everybody, equal partners.

You seem to be the type of contentious woman that I am referring to. Always looking for an argument where there is none. Men and women are equal partners but that is where a lot of ladies (and men, but mostly ladies) get confused. Equal does not mean the same. Men and women are not the same. They are not wired the same way, and they don't need the same things out of relationships. You can yell, kick, scream and fight it until the cows come home. It's not going to change biology, and it's only going to make for a miserable home life.

10:37 here. incorrect, I am definitely not a contentious person, actually I am deeply confrontation adverse. I hate arguments, especially when they are pointless, and I would never marry a person who thinks like you - no offense meant, simply we would not be compatible, and both very miserable. I deeply respect my partner's opinions (even in fields traditionally reserved to women, like childrearing) and I expect the same from him. I express my opinions with the same respect and freedom he does, and I would find profoundly degrading having to smile and bit my tongue, while trying to have my way with some manipulations. this reminds me of my grandmother, but she was born over 100 years ago. I find your references to a good wife's behavior (not compete with the husband - what does this mean for you, when is a wife competing with her husband? not running over him, not complaining all the time, not bossing him around) quite scary. if anything, they should apply to both spouses, but you mention them only for the wife. and very scary is the reference to the happy wife who feels secure because knows that the husband can make the right choices. maybe i read it wrong, but that sounds a lot like he makes choices for both. I do not see what biology has to do to making decisions on a couple's life, since hopefully the organ used is the brain, and both husband and wife have it. I met men who expressed opinions similar to yours, and had the impression that they are insecure to the point that they need to refer to old gender roles to assert their position in the family. a wife with her own opinions, who challenges theirs, would constitue an attack to their manhood. because they are not confident enough in their role, they need to convince themselves that the woman is overstepping hers. and so they theorize that husband knows best,this is not your role, you are opinionated, you are not a real woman, you are overly emotional and so on . they feel confident by having a partner who does not challenge them, recognizing their role as the head of the house and the one who knows best. anyway, luckily, at least for me, not all men are like this. there are men who do not need to pidgeonhole themselves in a pre-defined role to know who they are and have enough confidence to look for a spouse who is an equal partner. I chose a man like this and I am happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lest you think that it's only "contentious women" who think you're a horse's ass, I'm a man (I dare say more of a man than you), and you're a backwards idiot who has watched too many episodes of Mad Men. I'd be bored to tears with the kind of simpering fool who is "allows me to make the right decision." Thank god my wife (a SAHM, by the way) isn't like that.

As for "it's not going to change biology," I was unaware that certain biology or plumbing was required to make the "right decisions." In fact, in my experience, decisions made by listening to a penis are invariably wrong, and often catastrophic.

This is like the telephone game, only it shouldn't be because the words are right on the screen.

I did not say that women should be fools who let men decide on everything. An over emotional person, took a portion of a statement, threw out all logic, and ran with it.

Please stop derailing the discussion. If you are going to comment on what I said, then comment on what I actually said.

You said, "She should feel safe with you, confident that you can make the right choices, loved, and protected." So does that mean the husband makes the decisions, or not? If not, to what choices are you referring? And no, you did not say women should be fools. I think, however, that a woman who would accept, much less relish, a relationship of the type you describe WOULD be a simpering fool.

[Anonymous]

So, I think this is an interesting topic. What are the elements of a miserable marriage, potentially:

(1) lack of emotional connection/ absense of physical intimacy and communication
(2) feeling of regret at having married that person + fantasizing about "what ifs" with other people
(3) relationship based on "power" /competitioin rather than "love"
(4) spouse who brings out the negative in you rather than the positive, and vice versa
(5) spouse who doesn't appreciate your work/accomplishments -- or feels threatened by your accomplishments
(6) solitary spouse without life of their own - happiness on their own -- who is dependent on you for their personal happiness or control
(7) feeling trapped in the relationship - whether it be guilt over breaking up family home/fucking up kids by divorcing; or financial inability to leave

It takes two to tango, and I realize you can't blame one spouse - it is more a general dynamic of the above that has made my marriage miserable in recent years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I think this is an interesting topic. What are the elements of a miserable marriage, potentially:

(1) lack of emotional connection/ absense of physical intimacy and communication
(2) feeling of regret at having married that person + fantasizing about "what ifs" with other people
(3) relationship based on "power" /competitioin rather than "love"
(4) spouse who brings out the negative in you rather than the positive, and vice versa
(5) spouse who doesn't appreciate your work/accomplishments -- or feels threatened by your accomplishments
(6) solitary spouse without life of their own - happiness on their own -- who is dependent on you for their personal happiness or control
(7) feeling trapped in the relationship - whether it be guilt over breaking up family home/fucking up kids by divorcing; or financial inability to leave

It takes two to tango, and I realize you can't blame one spouse - it is more a general dynamic of the above that has made my marriage miserable in recent years.

yep, these are the things that are more subtle than outright abuse (which is pretty obvious to everyone as a miserable situation) that make a marriage unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Overbearing/overcontrolling bully husband. Lack of equality in the relationship and non-existant communication.

Different values/upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the abusive, lazy, jerks....The cause of many marital problems are women who don't know their place, women who don't know how to show appreciation, and women who try to compete with men.

Instead of being a nagging, ugly (personality wise), busybody; how about being pleasant, saying thank you for the small things, and stop thinking of the million things you wish you had and the hundreds of things your husband isn't doing right.

Women who don't know their place???

Yikes. Thank God I didn't marry an asshole like you.