What makes your marriage miserable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years of bad financial/business decisions have taken a toll. I am getting out.

Same here. We live in the freaking Rust Belt and the economy has killed us the last ten years. But I am not sure that living in a high cost of living area with long commutes, even if there are better jobs, is the answer.

[Anonymous]

FBO wrote:For those posters above... sorry

I found one of the potential problems with marriage is that the little things start getting taken for granted, or they get lost becuase of time. Little things like the text that just says "damn, I miss you" or the single rose that you pick up on your way home. We tend to make marriage a business more than a partnership and businesses rarely make it through the things a marriage has to make it through.

Im divorced, and it was entirely because of what I stated above. My ex and I are wonderful friends, see each other all the time, raise our kid together, all of that but there was no passion anymore. We stopped trying and we acted like it was a business. Business and passion dont work together; we recognized that and moved on in our lives for our own good.

I learned from that and now understand what it means to truly be with someone - mental first, then the physical. Its been working so far.

Oh, and once every two months would be more than unbearable. I dont know how you guys do it; Im way to charged up everyday for that.

IT's great you have this relationship as "wonderful friend" --- for others out there who have divorced and stayed friends, HOW DID YOU DO IT? If I knew I could divorce and stay friends with my DH, I would do it instantly.... but I'm pretty sure my DH would haet me for divorcing him, and that I woulf f-up my kids..... How old was your child, PP, when you divorced??? Advice sought.....

[Anonymous]

What makes my marriage miserable: (female breadwinner here with SAHD, who is working on his dissertation):

1) a complete lack of responsibility with money, just blows it all and then asks me for more. No recognition or caring about our current reduced financial circumstances, just whining about not being able to go out, not having money for this that and the other. No recognition that he gets far more money that is his to spend than I ever do.

2) a disregard for me and my time, takes leisure time for himself, sleeps in, leaves the house wreck on the way out the door. I work my ass off and come home to a house that's a total shit pit, and he turns DD over to me and sits on his ass and plays tetris, if he's not using my office to get his dissertation work done.

3) guzzling all the wine in the house if I leave it where he can see it. The man stole my painkillers after I gave birth to his child.

4) when I try to talk to him about 1-3, screams at me about my failings instead of listening to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes my marriage miserable: (female breadwinner here with SAHD, who is working on his dissertation):

1) a complete lack of responsibility with money, just blows it all and then asks me for more. No recognition or caring about our current reduced financial circumstances, just whining about not being able to go out, not having money for this that and the other. No recognition that he gets far more money that is his to spend than I ever do.

2) a disregard for me and my time, takes leisure time for himself, sleeps in, leaves the house wreck on the way out the door. I work my ass off and come home to a house that's a total shit pit, and he turns DD over to me and sits on his ass and plays tetris, if he's not using my office to get his dissertation work done.

3) guzzling all the wine in the house if I leave it where he can see it. The man stole my painkillers after I gave birth to his child.

4) when I try to talk to him about 1-3, screams at me about my failings instead of listening to me.

You are married to a slacker. I would smack his sorry ass around if this was my spouse.

[Anonymous]

DW bitches and moans during lacrosse season when I go to a few college games a year. So f'ing what? I do a ton of housework, take the kids all over the place, and work hard at the job. I didn't get married to have zero interests and have a wife try to make me feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I think this is an interesting topic. What are the elements of a miserable marriage, potentially:

(1) lack of emotional connection/ absense of physical intimacy and communication
(2) feeling of regret at having married that person + fantasizing about "what ifs" with other people
(3) relationship based on "power" /competitioin rather than "love"
(4) spouse who brings out the negative in you rather than the positive, and vice versa
(5) spouse who doesn't appreciate your work/accomplishments -- or feels threatened by your accomplishments
(6) solitary spouse without life of their own - happiness on their own -- who is dependent on you for their personal happiness or control
(7) feeling trapped in the relationship - whether it be guilt over breaking up family home/fucking up kids by divorcing; or financial inability to leave

It takes two to tango, and I realize you can't blame one spouse - it is more a general dynamic of the above that has made my marriage miserable in recent years.

You sound thoughtful and reflective. Maybe give counseling a try (again?). We were in the same place a year ago and counseling has been working. We still have most of the issue to work on but at least we know we want the same things and can trust each other's good will.

Took us a few trials to find a good marriage counselor. Do not give up on happiness and intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Spouse's selfishness and laziness - no red flags before marriage.