If you have siblings but never had the "sibling bond"
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Anonymous
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I am the oldest of 3. My sister and I are only 16 months apart so we were very competitive with each other growing up. We also have wildly different personalities and she is not someone I would voluntarily choose to associate with. She's good company in some ways -- funny and gregarious, but also very loud and very vain. Has a high paying job and uses the fact that she has so much more than everyone else in the family to make the rest of us feel bad. (For example, last year for Christmas I wanted to get my mom something that cost $100, but only had $50 in my budget for it. I asked her to split it with me. She did, but then also bought my mom an iPad and apologized for the "smallness" of the joint gift.)
She and my brother are extremely close. I like my brother a lot -- great guy in many ways. But it burns me up that he chooses her over me every time, in every way. So I try to separate myself from both of them as much as possible. I'm tired of the hurt that comes from hoping for a better relationship. I'll live with the dull ache rather than the sharp pain of constantly being reminded that the two of them have little or no love for me. |
Anonymous
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Me: not close with younger brother due to years of mental instability which led to a great deal of home instability (and parental neglect). 'Nuf said.
DH: not close with older brother due to years of feeling like the family outcast (BIL and MIL are very similar... DH came along and they must have stared at him like an alien). Now, they have very, very different outlooks on life, life experiences, goals, etc. They aren't at each others' throats but there's no closeness... they live 15 mins away from us and we see them just several times a year. DH's extended family is extremely close and despite personality differences, everyone gets along well and the aunts/uncles are all close. My family is the exact opposite. My mother and her older brother were close, but he died. She and my aunt have always fought like cats and dogs. Once my grandparents were dead, we reduced seeing my aunt and her family to weddings and funerals. So somehow I guess I grew up thinking that this was normal/acceptable. |
Anonymous
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I am close to my brother and sister. We were all within 4 years. Sister is 4 years older than me and brother is 2.5 years older than me.
My boys are very close to one another (2.5 years apart). They are 4.5 and 7 and crazy about one another.. We had a bond because my parents treated everyone fairly and really stressed 'family'. We enjoyed each other (though there were certainly fights growing up, etc.). Simple reason: nobody is a complete a**hole. If they were- family wouldn't tolerate it and nip it in the bud. |
Anonymous
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My older sister is 5 years old and my younger sister is a year and a half younger. My parents remarried a few times so I have tons of step siblings (some I still haven't met).
I don't remember growing up with my older sister at all. I know she was there I just don't have memories of it. When I was 9 I was put in foster care until I was 11 when my dad and his new wife (and her kids) took me in. I didn't for in with my step siblings. I also didn't have any relationships with my mother or sisters til I was 17. I found out she was married and I had more step siblings. I'm not close to any of my siblings, step siblings parents or step parents. None of the kids are close to the parents at all. Also none of my uncles or aunts. I have cousins I have never met. The last time I saw my moms brother I was 8. He's married and has kids now (by the way I'm in,my 30s). I think my moms sister lives someplace close to me but don't know. I think her kid just had a baby. Oh and my dads brother - last I saw him was never. I think he has two kids? And they are all grown. Just not a close family |
Anonymous
| There is an age gap of ten years between me and my sister. She was more like my daughter than my sibling. My mom worked two jobs so I was the primary caregiver from the time she was about 3 months old. At ten, I made the bottles, gave the baths, changed the diapers, etc. Imagine being 12 and dealing with the terrible twos. I didn't have time to really enjoy her as a sibling. I was helping with the homework and putting her to bed so that I could play Nintendo. My mom would get home around midnight and I'd give her the rundown on all that happened and then go to bed. By the time that she was old enough to be fun, I was in college. To this day, she still sees me as a backup parent and thus doesn't talk to me about nearly anything interesting or fun. She does call to borrow money though. |
Anonymous
I would put this in the category of "just because things worked out for you doesn't mean you have the answer for how to make things work out". |
Anonymous
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My DH and his 3 yrs younger sister are nice to each other but only talk when necessary (holiday, coordination of something, parental issues). They might forward an email of interest once every few months.
They see eachother about 1x a year, usually at a holiday at home. We can't afford to travel much - time or flights for a family - so when we visit family we visit his mom and dad. They live 3 hours from there but rarely come. They have a lot of disposable income and travel a lot. But, his sister only visits us - alone - about once every 3 years. She's perfectly nice but quite cold and detached. She shows no interest in our kid beyond an Internet comment every 4 weeks. It annoys the hell out of me that their mom claims she adores our kid. It's fiction. Ok, but fiction. When DH and sis see eachother they dont even hug hello. The first time I saw this I didn't know what to think! I have no idea why they're so distant. I suspect something about their childhood was very off, but will never know. |
Anonymous
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My brother is almost 4 years older than me (I'm female). We were always at a different point in our life; we never shared anything. He left home when he was 16 and I was 12. Today, he lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast. We have kids close in age and see each other 1-2 times a year, but we don't talk unless it is a holiday. We do email. When we are together we get along fine, but we just don't have much reason to get together. If my brother weren't my brother, I don't think he would be interested in me in any way. Makes me sad.
I purposely had my kids closer in age (25 months) to try to avoid this. They get along great now, but who knows what will happen in 10 years. I pray they will be best friends (despite being the opposite sex). |
Anonymous
| My parents both have opposite sex siblings. My nuclear family moved to the US from Europe 30 years ago. My parents rarely see their siblings because of the distance (although all of them travel recreationally). My father's sister seems to contact us only if she wants something (not money, but information). She also seems to feel uncomfortable around my mother, my sister and me (and I remember this even when I was 10 or 12). I think they love their siblings, but it isn't a normal sibling relationship - I guess the distrance is a part of it. |
Anonymous
| I have 3 siblings. My mom feeds off of drama and I think she selectively tells us things about our other siblings to make us distant from each other but closer to her. Despite this, we get along great when we're together but don't communicate other than at holidays. We all live in different cities. |
Anonymous
I agree. And some of the very serious and painful issues being discussed in this thread simply are not the kinds of things that can be nipped in the bud. If only. |
Anonymous
This is close to my situation. My only sibling is 4 yrs older, and he was physically/verbally abusive to me all during my growing up. He's now on disability for mental illness (personality disorders). We've never had a relationship because he was beating the crap out of me from Day 1. Mom and Dad knew what he was doing and didn't take it seriously enough at the time. Today, amazingly, through God's grace and a LOT of therapy, I have forgiven my parents and the three of us are very close. Now I am late 30s, he is early 40s (both of us are single). In his estate planning, Dad is trying to figure out how my brother will be cared for after they die. This will partially fall on my shoulders, although thank goodness there will be money from my parents to help with this. Because of that, as much as possible, we think we'll be able to get help from a non-profit so I am not the one giving direct care and answering his abusive phone calls (fingers crossed!). Still, I totally resent the fact that I "have to" care for my brother -- the one person in my life who has only brought me pain and suffering. While I know I theoretically have a choice, I really don't have one. I love my parents too much, and I want to honor my parents' wishes. Part of me wishes I could be selfish enough to say no, but I don't have the heart to hurt them like that. What are the rest of you doing in terms of caring for mentally ill siblings after your parents die? |