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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you sure he isn't cheating on you or cheated on you and never told you? Sometimes the guilt of secret keeping males a person withdraw. Might not be true but my husband cheated and lied for years to me about it. Here I was thinking it was my fault or thinking he was acting strange but the truth came out. Just saying -- maybe perhaps you're looking at it wrong. Of course I could be wrong too. Please don't go asking your spouse about infidelity with guns blazing.[/quote]

OP here, and you nailed it. I started this thread over a year ago, and yes, since that time....a lot has happened, and ultimately after a lot of "trickle truth" he confessed to a long term affair (more than a fling) with a married mom we've known for years (works in same industry). We are doing much better, still in therapy, and he's grown up a lot. He is a lot more open, expressive, emotional, vulnerable, and I can't even believe the year we've had. A lot of ups and downs, and we aren't through yet, but things are out in the open, being dealt with, and better.

Did you guys reconcile or did you chose to move on? I didn't think I'd ever forgive infidelity, but we have kids and those roots of our several years together, which were happy and loving, are still there. He's been beyond great through the recovery, but it's been a long battle.[/quote]

I may be wrong about this... but you seem like a bit of a fixer, based on your posts. I can just imagine you giving 150% and your husband giving 10%. Please make sure to protect yourself, especially if he cheats. [/quote]

Actually, DH is such a fixer too. I'd say I am more of a people pleaser. We both didn't like to rock the boat too much, apparently, not in other areas of our life but definitely in our marriage.

One of our main issues was that for years, I felt he wouldn't listen to me, or was dismissive, because he was always trying to fix things. It was after the affair in counseling when we realized that and other dynamics. I don't think I gave 150% and he gave 10%. I would say, after a year of hindsight, I dealt with the dynamics in our marriage really ineffectively. It took our marriage collapsing/the affair for me to truly learn how to stand up for myself (and I don't want to imply that I was mousey or anything before, but I'd either get really angry or I would dismiss him in return. I learned to communicate my needs and opinions more effectively, he learned to be a lot less defensive and controlling). I think my husband was always the perfect guy and something just gave. The damn broke and he got really self destructive and rebellious through the affair. There was definitely a lot of unfinished business from adolescence. I had my own growing to do as well.

The affair and the aftermath sucked but it led us to a good place. Thanks for all the insight on this thread. I never thought I'd be in a marriage where my husband cheated. I've always gone after what I wanted and gotten it. I'm smart, successful, attractive, confident (in some areas anyway), etc. I thought I was better than that. I thought he was better than that. It's been very humbling and I think I'm a lot less judgmental in general now. I probably would have been defensive if someone had suggested affair last April. We ae not through the process by any means but it's nice to have things out in the light, like a PP alluded to, and be dealing with them together. [/quote]

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