DON'T answer the question, but Why is the SAHM and WOH issue so touchy?
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Anonymous
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I think a lot of it comes down to inherent guilt. As moms, we will feel guilt no matter what our choices are. Guilt that we don't spend as much time with dc, or that dc doesn't get enough enrichment staying at home, etc.
I also think that there are a lot of assumption that are made by both sides. WOH assume that SAH have a lot of free time but don't understand that they have dc with them ALL THE TIME. For example, SAH never gets to run an errand in the way home from work or at lunch without dc. SAH don't always remember that a WOH also has obligations at home. They don't clock out of life at 5:00, but rather, switch"jobs" at the end of the work day. |
Anonymous
| We hover and buzz around our children so much that we forget that they are the most resilient beings on earth. No matter what decision you make, WOH or SAHM, breastfeed or formula, they will adjust and adapt just fine. |
Anonymous
I have to admit that when I was a young mother, I did have a hard time accepting that other families truly felt differently than I did about the factors that went into our choices. More than ten years later, I understand some of the "shades of gray" that exist. Plus, I don't care anymore what other people do - I now understand their decision process and choices in no way mimic mine. |
Anonymous
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I am a nanny, with no kids of my own yet, so let me comment as someone who has no stake in this.
I think there are a few different reasons for this fight. While I think that the stereotype ("You are ragging on SAHMs/WOHMs because you are so insecure about your choice to WOH/SAH!") is true for a segment of the population, I think there are two other categories to consider. First are the moms who would openly prefer to make a different choice, but it isn't possible. These women are sometimes peacekeepers as they recognize the difficulties in life, but just as often they respond to circumstances by being particularly nasty and vicious. Think of the SAHM who had to give up a career she loved because her SN child needed so much attention from her. Think of the WOHM who would quit tomorrow if they weren't so deep in debt. Last there are the women who truly do think all the nasty things, not because they are bitches, but because their circumstances in life leave them strongly biased against one choice or another. Think of the woman who's SAHM was abusive or severely depressed. Think of the mom who finds children (even her own, who she loves) to be absolutely miserable and draining, or who suffered through dreadful PPD during maternity leave. Think of the woman who truly believes that one-year-olds NEED to be socialized and taught to listen to a teacher so that they will have a leg up on kindergarten. These women have had experiences in life that lead them to draw these conclusions, and they truly believe that SAHMs must have something "wrong" with them, and that staying home to raise kids is "bad" for those children. OTOH, think of the SAHM who waited until 40 to conceive, but wanted 4 kids, and now wants to cherish EVERY MOMENT with her kid, to make up for her grief about not being able to have more. Think of the mom who's working mother left her in a hell-hole daycare that neglected her as a child. Think of the mom who views children and family as her most important role in life (not just one important role, as every mother believes, but THE most important) and is terrified to fail. Think of the mom who has strong views about atypical parenting (whole foods, cloth diapering, free range kids, nap-protecting) and knows that she would have to choose between these values and working because it is so difficult to find affordable childcare that would allow for any of these. For varying reasons, these women truly believe that WOHMs are making the "wrong" choice and that what they are doing is "bad" for their children. I believe that most moms (even those in the insecure-about-my-choices category) have some of these feelings. I plan to go back to work when my kids are young by splitting the schedule with DH and/or looking for jobs that allow me to bring my kid. That said, I also truly believe that daycare is not ideal for kids under 2 or 3, because I put a premium on sleep, nutrition and bonding-with-caregivers. So when there is a thread on here assuring a new WOHM that it's "not a big deal" if her 6-month-old only naps 1 1/2 hours at daycare, my gut response is that these women are deluding themselves into believing that this is okay, when in reality, they are just prioritizing different things--socialization, exposure to diversity, etc. over a good nap schedule. I say this not to judge, but to give an example of how our subconcious assumptions cause us to judge. |
Anonymous
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Also, it's not always a choice. That can bring out feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and defensiveness. It was not my choice to stay at home. I lost my job while pregnant. Then, as time went on and I searched for a job I started to realize it didn't make as much sense for me to work. That alone was a blow to my ego. That I was not worth enough in the workforce to WOH.
Conversely, a lot of WOH can't afford not to work either bc they are the breadwinner or incomes between both spouses are fairly even and the family couldn't survive on 1 income without major sacrifice. Or some women feel that they just wouldn't be good as a SAH and they feel they can't admit that, when there really isn't anything wrong with it. |
Anonymous
Me too, baby. They don't know how to categorize us. We see school kids as much as sahms and pull a paycheck like wohm. Hard to find fault with that. |
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Anonymous
well...yeah...you suck, so there 
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Anonymous
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Maybe I'm alone in feeling this way, but I enjoy my current status. I'm comfortable and feel no guilt, worry or anxiety and I'm definitely not jealous of moms on 'the other side'. If anything, I give them credit because I know it wouldn't work for me. Occasionally, I have days where I'd rather be doing something else (who doesn't?), but overall I'm happy and I think I'm a better mom because of it.
- Signed a Mom who won't reveal her status because it really doesn't matter |
Anonymous
Well, I'm working at joining your ranks! To answer OP, it's a mix of what PPs have written: guilt, insecurity, grass is greener, general desire to stir the pot. I kind of blew my twenties on mental illness, so didn't get the graduate degree like I trout I would have, never really got a career going, and my job wouldn't have even covered child care costs, and it would've been drudge and not fulfilling, thereby nullifying any of my reasons for WOH. I'm glad I get to stay home, even though I envy my friends for "being a part of the world" in a way that I'm not. Whoever said that keeping us sniping keeps us divided and distracted from more important things was right. I think IRL we all know mothers at every point on the SAHM-WOH spectrum: happy, fulfilled, wishful, etc. I refuse to question other women on this issue because I don't know anyone making a bad choice in their circumstance. |
Anonymous
LOL I'd rather SAH than WAH. I work for the social interaction (and hot guys, to be honest). |
Anonymous
Do you get to dress up, see your coworkers, flirt? Nah. |
Anonymous
ITA and I won't reveal my status either |
Anonymous
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You know, I think these are all insightful reasons that show the myriad of rationalizations that any one group attacks another (when really they should be supportive).
I really wish I was like the PPs who feel no guilt. I WOH and have no choice in the matter. I am the breadwinner of the family but I miss my child everyday and feel awful that he's in childcare so young. But interestingly, this doesn't make me want to attack SAHMs. I think since I'm jealous of them, I try desperately to be their friends and emulate them. Just interesting to see how different people respond. |
Anonymous
hot guys? where PP? |
Anonymous
You sound like a very kind and mature person - and more secure in your choices than you think. Your child is lucky to have such a caring mother. |