Reply to DON'T answer the question, but Why is the SAHM and WOH issue so touchy?

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Reply to "DON'T answer the question, but Why is the SAHM and WOH issue so touchy?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I am a nanny, with no kids of my own yet, so let me comment as someone who has no stake in this.

I think there are a few different reasons for this fight.  While I think that the stereotype ("You are ragging on SAHMs/WOHMs because you are so insecure about your choice to WOH/SAH!") is true for a segment of the population, I think there are two other categories to consider.

First are the moms who would openly prefer to make a different choice, but it isn't possible.  These women are sometimes peacekeepers as they recognize the difficulties in life, but just as often they respond to circumstances by being particularly nasty and vicious.  Think of the SAHM who had to give up a career she loved because her SN child needed so much attention from her.  Think of the WOHM who would quit tomorrow if they weren't so deep in debt.

Last there are the women who truly do think all the nasty things, not because they are bitches, but because their circumstances in life leave them strongly biased against one choice or another.

Think of the woman who's SAHM was abusive or severely depressed.  Think of the mom who finds children (even her own, who she loves) to be absolutely miserable and draining, or who suffered through dreadful PPD during maternity leave.  Think of the woman who truly believes that one-year-olds NEED to be socialized and taught to listen to a teacher so that they will have a leg up on kindergarten.  These women have had experiences in life that lead them to draw these conclusions, and they truly believe that SAHMs must have something "wrong" with them, and that staying home to raise kids is "bad" for those children.

OTOH, think of the SAHM who waited until 40 to conceive, but wanted 4 kids, and now wants to cherish EVERY MOMENT with her kid, to make up for her grief about not being able to have more.  Think of the mom who's working mother left her in a hell-hole daycare that neglected her as a child.  Think of the mom who views children and family as her most important role in life (not just one important role, as every mother believes, but THE most important) and is terrified to fail.  Think of the mom who has strong views about atypical parenting (whole foods, cloth diapering, free range kids, nap-protecting) and knows that she would have to choose between these values and working because it is so difficult to find affordable childcare that would allow for any of these.  For varying reasons, these women truly believe that WOHMs are making the "wrong" choice and that what they are doing is "bad" for their children.

I believe that most moms (even those in the insecure-about-my-choices category) have some of these feelings.  I plan to go back to work when my kids are young by splitting the schedule with DH and/or looking for jobs that allow me to bring my kid.  That said, I also truly believe that daycare is not ideal for kids under 2 or 3, because I put a premium on sleep, nutrition and bonding-with-caregivers.  So when there is a thread on here assuring a new WOHM that it's "not a big deal" if her 6-month-old only naps 1 1/2 hours at daycare, my gut response is that these women are deluding themselves into believing that this is okay, when in reality, they are just prioritizing different things--socialization, exposure to diversity, etc. over a good nap schedule.  I say this not to judge, but to give an example of how our subconcious assumptions cause us to judge.[/quote]

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