DON'T answer the question, but Why is the SAHM and WOH issue so touchy?

[Anonymous]

I think women can't win. There are a lot of factors in society that make working moms feel guilty - and a lot of factors that make stay at moms feel inadequate. You have to do what is best for your family, truly. I am a working mom and we have high quality childcare for our kids that I think greatly benefits them. We coparent more than we would if I stayed home. I make half our income, and I enjoy my job and I do enjoy working. I'm pretty secure in my circumstances and I think it would be irresponsible for me not to work given my husband's salary.

BUT...interestingly, I don't feel insecure around other moms, I do feel insecure around men I work with who have stay at home wives! I feel like they are judging me or something and probably don't know anything about daycare and how beneficial it can be (and how great ours is). Men are probably less likely to consider things like the impact of time out of the workforce and what that may do to your career, etc. The funny thing is, men probably don't give a shit and in reality probably aren't spending a lot of time thinking about my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women can't win. There are a lot of factors in society that make working moms feel guilty - and a lot of factors that make stay at moms feel inadequate. You have to do what is best for your family, truly. I am a working mom and we have high quality childcare for our kids that I think greatly benefits them. We coparent more than we would if I stayed home. I make half our income, and I enjoy my job and I do enjoy working. I'm pretty secure in my circumstances and I think it would be irresponsible for me not to work given my husband's salary.

BUT...interestingly, I don't feel insecure around other moms, I do feel insecure around men I work with who have stay at home wives! I feel like they are judging me or something and probably don't know anything about daycare and how beneficial it can be (and how great ours is). Men are probably less likely to consider things like the impact of time out of the workforce and what that may do to your career, etc. The funny thing is, men probably don't give a shit and in reality probably aren't spending a lot of time thinking about my parenting.

So. So. TRUE. I think they think more about other MEN than they do about women. A young guy with a working wife probably feels really insecure in a group of men with SAH wives...at least that's what I hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women can't win. There are a lot of factors in society that make working moms feel guilty - and a lot of factors that make stay at moms feel inadequate. You have to do what is best for your family, truly. I am a working mom and we have high quality childcare for our kids that I think greatly benefits them. We coparent more than we would if I stayed home. I make half our income, and I enjoy my job and I do enjoy working. I'm pretty secure in my circumstances and I think it would be irresponsible for me not to work given my husband's salary.

BUT...interestingly, I don't feel insecure around other moms, I do feel insecure around men I work with who have stay at home wives! I feel like they are judging me or something and probably don't know anything about daycare and how beneficial it can be (and how great ours is). Men are probably less likely to consider things like the impact of time out of the workforce and what that may do to your career, etc. The funny thing is, men probably don't give a shit and in reality probably aren't spending a lot of time thinking about my parenting.

So. So. TRUE. I think they think more about other MEN than they do about women. A young guy with a working wife probably feels really insecure in a group of men with SAH wives...at least that's what I hear.

I hope not... my husband seems pretty damn proud of the work I've accomplished, and I would hate to think it makes him insecure. Then again, we are in our early 30s, so maybe not "young" anymore. I think my SAHM friends, especially those with really young ones, have a much more stressful job than I do. I'm sure I'll envy them when the kids get to school age, but certainly not now, it is hard work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am gonna answer anyway:

Because SOME WOH moms feel a little guilty leaving their kids in the care of others and some pangs of jealousy of the opportunities that SAH have (time with children, the MISPERCEPTION of "free time" to do things like pedicures, etc. and relax) so they take little digs at the SAHM moms. And SOME SAHM moms secretly worry they've tanked their career by staying at home so feel defensive about their decision and deal with it by lashing out at WOH moms.

I wish we were all honest and owned up to having the feelings above. It's okay to feel a little envious sometimes or feel insecure about a decision you have made.

I was going to say the same thing. Both of them should be able to live with their decisions and then STFU!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I WOH, and I am comfortable with my choice. I only know a few SAHMs, but I think one of the reasons that I find it difficult to relate to them is that we have different budget constraints. They are trying to save money, since they are usually several people living on one salary, while I have to save time. I don't have time to drive to some distant burb to pick up baby furniture from Craig's List. They in turn, would prefer to save the money I spend on buying prepared food or getting my groceries delivered.

Okay, that and the fact that one of the women I know who stays at home was in a field that is completely unforgiving of peple who take time out, and I'm not convinced her husband is the type who stays faithful.

[Anonymous]

New candidate for most annoying OP ever.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread and interesting responses...

I agree about guilt. I'd add one other aspect that may drive some of the debate: I feel like both sides want to win the pissing and moaning contest of who has it worse--is it harder to SAH or WOH and juggle both fronts?

The truth is that the variables that makes childraising hard--REALLY REALLY HARD--have to do with how much support a parent has (in other words, do they have family who comes for the weekend and gives them a break? does a WOH parent have a boss who can support family-work balance? does a parent have a partner at home who does the heavy-lifting, whether its a dual income or single income family?) and how many financial options the family has (e.g., can they afford housekeepers? do they eat a lot of ready-made food?) I think there are some SAH moms who work much harder than I do (they cook meals from scratch, they save their families and incredible amount of money with thrift and labor, they do loving creative activities with their kids) and I think there are some WOH moms who work much harder than I do (they don't have much support in the office or homefront, they juggle commute, work expectations, family expectations, housework, food and social planning, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP. I'm expecting my first and am new to these boards, and I've been amazed by all the hate about SAHMs. I had no idea there was this much tension. I can definitely understand the working mom above who said she can't relate to her SAHM peers to well since she's short on time and they're short on money. That makes perfect sense. But the anger and nastiness on here is so weird - why do people care so much about other people's choices??

[Anonymous]

LOL! You make a lot of assumptions. This year was a banner year for DH and I, we pulled in just over 400K and I shop on CL. I LOATHE prepared food and work hard tp feed my family home cooked meals, being a FT working mom, this is not a easy task. We do not waste our money, as we are trying hard to own our home free and clear.

Maybe it is where I live, but I find that the SHAMs that I know are definitly not pinching pennies. Most women I know who don't work, do so because their DHs are bringing in as much or more than my family.

Anonymous wrote:I WOH, and I am comfortable with my choice. I only know a few SAHMs, but I think one of the reasons that I find it difficult to relate to them is that we have different budget constraints. They are trying to save money, since they are usually several people living on one salary, while I have to save time. I don't have time to drive to some distant burb to pick up baby furniture from Craig's List. They in turn, would prefer to save the money I spend on buying prepared food or getting my groceries delivered.

Okay, that and the fact that one of the women I know who stays at home was in a field that is completely unforgiving of peple who take time out, and I'm not convinced her husband is the type who stays faithful.

[Anonymous]

Uh, oh. A couple of women who are now trying to turn is into a debate!

Just to pile on, but I agree with most posters who think it's probably related to some guilt and self-judgement, and therefore presume that others are judging their choices as well. It's great for those who are 100% comfortable with their family's situation and also don't believe that it is the right solution for all families. I honestly think those are the rarity, though. Either I'm unhappy with my circumstances, or I believe so strongly in my choice to WOH or SAH that I believe it's best for all kids and all families. Either way, I think it can easily translate into nastiness, more so on an anonymous forum.

I WOH and wish that I didn't have to. My best friend in another state SAH and our lives are totally different. I envy her, she doesn't envy me, and yet we talk often about the differences in our lives and compare how these lifestyles have impacted parenting choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know when it has come up in real life, it makes me really mad. And yes, it does come up in real life. The twain don't really mix until elementary school. So all of you who are sitting around doe eyed wondering how this could ever come up in real life since it has never happened to you at the park or at daycare drop off, it's real, it does happen and it happens every day. It is pretty easy to avoid each other before elementary school that's why you don't see it.

Working mom here. In my experience it has come out a lot less since kids started school. For one thing we are more confident in our parenting choices, at least I am so maybe this all falls below the radar. The other thing is that most moms work in some capacity by the time kids are in school, at least in my circle. Maybe if I were a SAHM they would identify themselves differently but everyone seems to either work FT or PT, or have some hand in the working world. Maybe they would play it up less if I stayed home? But I have never felt slighted for working as my kids have gotten older. I am sure if I lived in another part of the country it would be different but this is the DC area. Lots of working moms around here, especially of school-aged kids.