Do you regret staying home with kids?

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread just makes me think what an individual decision this is based on your background, interests, financial situation, personality, kids ages, etc.

I work full time but am able to work from home on Fridays. The kids are not with me then but b/c I have a little extra time to do laundry, cook, etc. on those days it frees up so much time to be with them on the week nights and weekends. This works well for me but what I wouldn't do to even have one more full day with my babies. Part-time gigs are hard to come by and harder to keep as more vulnerable to lay-offs and cost reductions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a career crossroads - basically, my job is going away and I'm not sure I want a new one. I'm trying to decide whether to take a few years to be at home with my kids (2 and 4) or launch a full fledged job hunt and stay employed full time. Money is not an issue -- child care is so expensive right now that it's basically my entire salary.

I worry that if I stop working, I'll never get another job in my field again, certainly not at the same pay level. Also, I worry that I'll be totally miserable at home with two little kids and that I'll just hate it. I love my kids but when they whine and fight, boy am I glad to go off to work.

I'd love to hear from SAHMs who regret quitting, or WOMs who have successfully taken time off and gone back to work. Also, any tips for keeping my sanity if I decide to stay home.

Thanks!

Maybe some quality time with you would help your children to stop whining and fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a career crossroads - basically, my job is going away and I'm not sure I want a new one. I'm trying to decide whether to take a few years to be at home with my kids (2 and 4) or launch a full fledged job hunt and stay employed full time. Money is not an issue -- child care is so expensive right now that it's basically my entire salary.

I worry that if I stop working, I'll never get another job in my field again, certainly not at the same pay level. Also, I worry that I'll be totally miserable at home with two little kids and that I'll just hate it. I love my kids but when they whine and fight, boy am I glad to go off to work.

I'd love to hear from SAHMs who regret quitting, or WOMs who have successfully taken time off and gone back to work. Also, any tips for keeping my sanity if I decide to stay home.

Thanks!

Maybe some quality time with you would help your children to stop whining and fighting.

Why would you write that? Who are you? You're not helping-your being as ass. Children whine and fight-it's a fact.

[Anonymous]

Whining is definately something you can control without giving any attention.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do regret it. I gave up my career as a lawyer 10 years ago and had 2 kids. I have no money or assets in my name, and have recently learned that my husband doesn't love me, and I wonder if he loves the children. I have been secretly applying for jobs, but haven't gotten any offers. I have become financially dependent upon my husband and I am worried about my future. I never thought I would be in this position. Most of us when we make the decision to stay home, are looking at life short term (ie, next 5 or so years), and NEVER imagine that our spouse's might betray us. I would have kept my career had I known what would happen. Now I am trapped unless I can get a job to support myself and my children. I hope others will learn from my example -- staying home is a gamble and you never know how life will play out.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP. Just to clarify, I have no assets/money SOLELY in my name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP. Just to clarify, I have no assets/money SOLELY in my name.

I am sorry for your situation; that must be very difficult. I would like to comment, though, that the issue of having assets solely in the woman's name is a totally separate issue from staying home--what I mean is, I am a SAHM, but even when I was working, I had no assets solely in my name; everything is joint--our house is joint ownership, bank accounts, etc., etc. Even had I continued my career, I still wouldn't have had assets in my name only. As a married couple, our entire financial life is merged. I am not denying the gravity of your situation; all I am saying is that for most married women, having or not having sole financial assets is unrelated to working; it's more related to how the woman and man feel about marriage as a shared financial venture (among other things, LOL).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whining is definately something you can control without giving any attention.

I think OP should go back to work. Anyone who doesn't want to stay home because her kids fight and whine doesn't sound like she's going to enjoy taking care of her own kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to all the people who gave me helpful and constructive feedback.

I'm still trying to decide what to do and it's genuinely hard. Perhaps for other mothers it's an easy decision, or the whining and chaos of a kid-filled house slides right off you, but I am struggling. I love my kids, and 90% of the time it's great to be with them, but when one of them has a temper tantrum I worry about a whole day with a cranky kid, and no escape.

Right now I'm leaning towards trying out SAH for 6 months, as one poster suggested, and continuing to job hunt and network, in case the perfect, flexible job falls into my lap. My ideal would be to work 5-6 hours a day and be with the kids the rest of the time, but those opportunities are few and far between.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP. Just to clarify, I have no assets/money SOLELY in my name.

I am sorry for your situation; that must be very difficult. I would like to comment, though, that the issue of having assets solely in the woman's name is a totally separate issue from staying home--what I mean is, I am a SAHM, but even when I was working, I had no assets solely in my name; everything is joint--our house is joint ownership, bank accounts, etc., etc. Even had I continued my career, I still wouldn't have had assets in my name only. As a married couple, our entire financial life is merged. I am not denying the gravity of your situation; all I am saying is that for most married women, having or not having sole financial assets is unrelated to working; it's more related to how the woman and man feel about marriage as a shared financial venture (among other things, LOL).

Well yeah, and that's a big mistake too. Even my Grandma (born in 1909, never divorced, married for 40 years until widowed) always said how important it was for women to have at least some money/assets in their own name. It's not about whether or not you think you'll ever get divorced. It's just common sense.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance that you could work part time? I work full time but have been keeping my eyes on the prize of full-time work and will eventually move in that direction when the opportunity arises. It could be the best of both worlds-- having adult time, staying in your field, getting more time with kids and more free time.

My daughter is 4 and I am lucky that she is extremely easy to be around. I've got tons of prior child care experience, the easiest kid in the world, and I STILL would be unsuited to an at-home situation.

Here are things that you can do to make your kid time more pleasant whether you work full time, part time, or in the home:

--Attempt to reduce commuting by telecommuting occasionally. This will buy you some free time.
--Arrange for play dates (evening if you work outside, daytime if in the home) that allow you to see another adult and watch your kids enjoy group interaction.
--If you stay home, hire a babysitter or housekeeper a couple of hours per week so that you can get some time to yourself for exercise or other calming/centering activities, or arrange for a care swap with another parent.
--See if your spouse can provide some care time and arrange family events for certain evenings. My favorite is "Cookie Tuesday." Self-evident-- we bake cookies.
--Use some of your "me time" (above) to take a class that will help you stay connected with and/or grow in your career
--Occasionally freelance or consult if you're at home.
--Incorporate time with other adults into every day's routine
--Work on ways to cut down your non-job, non-parenting responsibilities so that you have more energy as worker, parent, spouse. Get groceries delivered. Have someone clean the kitchen and bathrooms twice per month.

A note on parents controlling or enduring whininess and fighting: kids have moments, regardless of how wonderful and skilled their parents are. And even wonderful parents have limits re: time with kids. If a person said "I just couldn't handle geriatric nursing; all of the pain and death would be hard on me," anyone would sympathize. Similarly if we said "I just wouldn't want to be a corporate lawyer. The long hours and pressure would be hard on me." When a woman says "I just can't handle the stress of caring for two growing human beings every day; all of the fighting and whining are hard on me," she gets a different response. Why? If we really believe that at-home parenting is a career, then we should respect that like any career, it is suitable for some subset of people, unsuitable for others, and not wishing to pursue it is not a failing.

[Anonymous]

This is such an individual decision. I always thought (and told my husband) that I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. We had our son and I stayed home for two and a half years. I reached a point where I just needed more and was getting depressed. I found it hard to define myself as mom. I went back to work part time and am so much happier. I appreciate my time with my son and also like contributing to the house financially. I feel like I have the best of all worlds. Can you work part time?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I would LOVE to work part time. I don't think it's an option in my field, but I will definitely be asking when I go on job interviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I would LOVE to work part time. I don't think it's an option in my field, but I will definitely be asking when I go on job interviews.

I work PT and I love it, I would not do it any other way.

I am a 1099 contractor. Can you contract out your skill? If you don't need benefits, its normally MUCH more money than being an employee. It is also a really good feeling to be self-employed, I really like it and am proud of myself for taking control of my work/family balance and not letting a job control me.

For example, I do sales support (from home). During busy season (August-September) I work near 40hr weeks. However, the rest of the year I work 20-25hr weeks. I gross about 95K/yr. This way I can pay for FT childcare and use it whenever I need it. I would not be able to do this unless I were self employed, because of corporate rules of the company I contract to.

Interestingly, 95K/yr is a normal FT salary for sales support, but since I contract, I have a higher hourly rate and it financially makes up for the lost hours.

[Anonymous]

Hell, I quit my job as soon as I became ENGAGED!!!! Now, I was 35 at the time and had a decent job, owned my own home, had savings, no debt, etc. so when hubby asked me if I wanted to stay home, I felt like I was bringing something to the table. I also felt like I won the lottery. Now, I am now a SAHM and I love it. I had my career, proved myself and lived independently for years. I feel like I'm in a different phase of my life now and I don't mind leaning on someone else financially. If you can get past some of the initial social isolation (which will pass) and fussy kids, there are so many positives. How about getting to sit outside for a spell on a beautiful day? Or getting the errands done during the week when everything is less crowded and having some quality time with hubby on the weekends instead? Another plus, I feel appreciated in so many other ways than I did at any of my former jobs. Frankly, I'd rather change dirty diapers all day long than work for my last jackass of a boss or sit in another endless meeting. With my free time, I like to do charity work and I get to use my old job skills in that area. I think it really depends on where you are in life. Ten years ago, it is quite possible that I would have had a completely different view of things. Best of luck to you - whatever you decide!