Do you regret staying home with kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm at a career crossroads - basically, my job is going away and I'm not sure I want a new one. I'm trying to decide whether to take a few years to be at home with my kids (2 and 4) or launch a full fledged job hunt and stay employed full time. Money is not an issue -- child care is so expensive right now that it's basically my entire salary.

I worry that if I stop working, I'll never get another job in my field again, certainly not at the same pay level. Also, I worry that I'll be totally miserable at home with two little kids and that I'll just hate it. I love my kids but when they whine and fight, boy am I glad to go off to work.

I'd love to hear from SAHMs who regret quitting, or WOMs who have successfully taken time off and gone back to work. Also, any tips for keeping my sanity if I decide to stay home.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

No, I stayed home for 2yrs and just returned. I have a skill set where I can jump in and out at anytime. However, I do WAH with a very flexible schedule at a 1099.

[Anonymous]

Truthfully, what I hear in your post is that you do not enjoy spending long blocs of time with your children, who may possibly make you miserable and insane.

Because this portends to be quite difficult, I'd recommend staying out of the home for long periods of time by finding another full-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully, what I hear in your post is that you do not enjoy spending long blocs of time with your children, who may possibly make you miserable and insane.

Because this portends to be quite difficult, I'd recommend staying out of the home for long periods of time by finding another full-time job.

Or just make being at home easier by not allowing whining. Whining stops when you make it clear that you can't hear whining and ignore. Control the environment more and you won't want to escape as much. But you have to be strong and consistent and it will get easier.

[Anonymous]

I was in your position. I was home for 3 months before I couldn't handle it any longer and took a full time job, at a significant salary cut because I couldn't wait to get out of the house. I suggest you keep your kids in daycare and find a good new job. The waitlists for childcare are so hard, you could lose your options if you take them out.

I think daycare kids are used to a constant stimulation that one woman just cannot provide at home. My kids wanted to go back to school as much as I wanted to go back to work!

[Anonymous]

I work part-time and love it. I work in a field that I can not jump in and out of and is strongly male-dominated so it's not always so family friendly. However, I work for a woman and she is very flexible with my time so I will probably be there for as long as they let me do this because I work a few days a week at a 1/2 decent salary even though I don't love the work.

[Anonymous]

Here are a few random thoughts to consider:

If your kids are in day care, like someone said, there is a lot of stimulation (I know--mine are in one), so they probably melt down at home more. If they didn't have day care, that might not be the case as much. You have more time to set your rules.

Do you think you would go crazy being home with the kids, or with the lack of adult contact? For me, it would be the latter. If you have a way to work part time (even if it is not in your field), that is a great compromise. I assume the 4 year old will be in pre-school. Maybe you could find a babysitter a couple mornings a week and do something work-related (that involves adults, not working from home). As an example, my mom was a nurse. She worked two evenings a week (one of which was a weekend), so we only needed a babysitter one day a week for the few hours between when she needed to leave and when my dad got home. It kept her sane, kept a foot in her field, and still gave her lots of time with us.

How much do you love your field? Would you be able to look at another field later, or different type of career within the field? If you have a ton of education invested in something specific, that obviously isn't an option. But I'm trying hard to think of a career that requires a ton of education, that you can't walk away from for three years, that only pays enough to cover child care. Teaching is the only thing that comes to mind, but I would be surprised if you couldn't go back to that after a few years. But I certainly could be wrong about that.

I guess, IMO, I would LOVE to have the financial option to walk away for a couple of years. I do work part time, but that's the best I can do at the moment. Without my salary, we couldn't cover all the major expenses (my student loans, our relatively modest mortgage, retirement, etc.) If we could afford for me to walk away, I would--even if it meant stepping back in later at a greatly reduced salary. Sure, every night that I have the kids alone, I'm SO ready for DH to take the kids over as soon as he walks through the door. But at the beginning of each day I have at home (after my first cup of coffee) I can't wait to stop thinking about work and spend the day with them. I wish I could do it every day.

[Anonymous]

I have not taken time off, but I do know women who have done so. (I can't afford it and I don't think I could do it permanently for several reasons.) Some have found good on-ramps (even after ten years at home), some I think are ambivalent about staying home. The people I know who seem to be happiest are those who work part-time or work at home. In the past, I have worked four days a week and would LOVE to do so again. My son is now eight and, what I would really love, is six to 12 months off to recharge my batteries. Since you can afford to take some time, it's something you might consider. Your question is fantastic and I'd also love to hear from those who are home after working for several years.

[Anonymous]

I've been home with the kids for almost 5 years. I haven't done a single thing to keep my toe in the professional world, so I thought that I was doomed when I recently started looking around for a job. It has been way easier than I thought. Might be for you also.

Oh, and by the way, if you hate staying home those first few months, you might give yourself just a little longer. It takes a while to establish yourself in any job, routine, group of "colleagues." The turning point for me was 6 months, and after that I thoroughly enjoyed being able to SAH.

Time to go back, though. Gotta get that retirement account going again.

[Anonymous]

It is very one-sided so take it with a grain of salt but I suggest you read the book The Feminine Mistake. If nothing else, it will make you think long and hard about staying home. There must also be lots of books that argue the other side of things so might be best to research both sides a bit and see what you think.

[Anonymous]

I can only give the former WM now SAHM perspective. I really enjoy being at home. I had a high pressure, long hour job and worked with my first. When number 2 came along, I decided to be at home. It took about a year for me to make my SAHM network and feel like I had a good balance and for the kids to probably get completely used to mom being here all the time. I really love it now. I feel very lucky, and I know if I want to or need to, I will find something on the work front that works for me and the family. But I also agree with previous posters about working PT, that seems to work for a lot of women I know. For my situation, it does not, and right now I am enjoying having a few years to do not much else other than focus on the family and the kids. This is a highly personal decision. One other thought, my child "bothered" me more when I was working (of course I loved him with all my heart, but I certainly had Monday a.m. thank god I a back at work times) than when I have been at home ( you get used to the whining/other stuff when you are at home, and for me my patience has improved ten-fold)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: One other thought, my child "bothered" me more when I was working (of course I loved him with all my heart, but I certainly had Monday a.m. thank god I a back at work times) than when I have been at home ( you get used to the whining/other stuff when you are at home, and for me my patience has improved ten-fold)

Interesting, it was quite the opposite for me. When I was a SAH my kid bothered me more. Each day I could not WAIT for my DH to come home, I would literally stare at the clock as my son was going koo-koo. When DH got home, I just wanted to veg-alone. Now that I'm back working, I have tons of energy for my DS when I'm finished working and can't wait to play with him, now I know how my DH was so excited even after working all day to walk through the door all those years and play so hard. I find the melt downs and tantrums much more tolerable now when before when I was SAH I was always frazzled. I feel like I have 2 days rolled into one, where before I felt like I was living in the movie Groundhog day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I like the suggestion to take some months to test out staying home without making a final decision. I can always run a low-level job hunt at the same time and ramp that up if I end up being miserable at home. I think it would be pretty doable to find child care if I change my mind and want to get a job, because we have good relationships with local daycare providers and also both sets of grandparents are local.

I do have hope that things will be better with the kids when we have the whole day together, instead of the rushed morning and crabby pre-dinner time. I feel like I'm giving away the best part of my kids' day, when they're fresh and happy. And I only get the tired, hungry, whiny hours of the day.

Wish me luck!

[Anonymous]

I really needed to go back to work due to my sanity. I negotiated with my employer to have a reduced work schedule-part time- and absolutely love it! Wouldn't trade it! I have flexibility-I look forward to going to work but on the other hand, I look forward to spending time with my son when I get home. I have a certain skill set-my job is hard to come by-I knew it would be tough for me to find another job. I'm gone for approximately 6.5 hours a day-enough time to keep my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a career crossroads - basically, my job is going away and I'm not sure I want a new one. I'm trying to decide whether to take a few years to be at home with my kids (2 and 4) or launch a full fledged job hunt and stay employed full time. Money is not an issue -- child care is so expensive right now that it's basically my entire salary.

I worry that if I stop working, I'll never get another job in my field again, certainly not at the same pay level. Also, I worry that I'll be totally miserable at home with two little kids and that I'll just hate it. I love my kids but when they whine and fight, boy am I glad to go off to work.

I'd love to hear from SAHMs who regret quitting, or WOMs who have successfully taken time off and gone back to work. Also, any tips for keeping my sanity if I decide to stay home.

Thanks!

You said money was not an issue so why are you worried about re-entering the work force at the same level several years down the road? Child care evens out your salary so you break even? but money is still not an issue? Doesn't make sense?

Being a SAHM is not like entering the witness protection program where you have no identity and have to start your life over again. There are ton of fun aspects to it - i.e your priceless children. However, some moms (or dads) are really much better with the older stages of childhood as opposed to the toddler stage.

Also, think about it. In the grand scheme of things...unless your kids are total brats and fight all the time (that would be another issue) how much time do they whine and fight (maybe 20% of the time overall?) and don't the golden moments (the random hugs, the laughs, the togetherness, etc.) completely outweigh the frustrating times?