People with kids always expecting you to do what is convenient for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to say the wrong thing or sound like a jerk, but sometimes it is very hard to have your children at someone's house who doesn't have children. Even if the people are really laid back. A lot of times they aren't child-proofed, there aren't toys there, there's no where for kids to sit and eat safely, etc. I'm not saying your house is like this and I do think your family should make the effort to come out and see you at least once, even if it is inconvenient with the kids. Just trying to give some perspective on why people with kids balk at meeting up at places other than their own houses.

I agree with this. When you go to a non-kid person house you are stuck taking every last thing with you bc you know they aren't going to have extra wipes, diapers, sippy cups are easy toddler snacks. Also, an hour drive for some kids is tough - they don't like the car, they may be potty training, etc and your new kitchen? How much have you gone on and on about that - your friends may not want to spend the time policing their kids so they don't hurt your new kitchen. You might have inadvertently given them the impression that you wouldn't want anyone messing up your new kitchen.

I have an 8 yr old and my friend lives 45 mins away and has a 6, 3 and 1 yr old. 9 times out of 10 I go to her house, the other 1 time we meet up somewhere. I realize its just that much harder for her.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I agree with what everyone's said. OP, I hear that it's hard for you and it sounds like you are thinking down the line toward the possibility that you might not have children and so it might never be "your turn." There's a lot tied up in that beyond who goes to whose house. I would try to sort that out and look for support from people who really know what you're going through, which may not be your family (and I wouldn't expect SILs, as nice as they are, to be putting your needs ahead of their own or their children's, most people don't see that relationship as a sibling one). You could bring it up with them, but I'd bring it up to your brother(s) and not to anyone with a child under 3, honestly. I'd also be prepared for them to say, "We hear you and we care about you, but we have limited family time and we don't have 2 hours in the day to drive back and forth to hang out with you." Because that is probably the truth.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're probably not going to make much headway getting people to do things on your turf. But remember, you don't have to always do what they want either. Don't feel like you have to accept every invitation or always go and visit them. They are not actually too "busy" to come to your house/neighborhood. They just don't want to because its a hassle. It is okay for you to just not want to go and visit them as well. Yes, friendships (even with your family) will suffer, but maybe they should and its not totally your responsibility to make sure they don't Do your part and stop. The rest is on them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do two things. First, as a PP mentioned, I would kid-proof the house a bit and get some basic kid-gear (bibs, kid-sized plates/flatware/cups with sippy lids, some basic toys that can work for a range of ages--duplos are great for this, as are dress-up hats--and a few kid movies) so that you can honestly say that your house is all ready for kids.

Then, I would talk to your family members one on one and tell them what you've told us. "I appreciate that traveling an hour with kids is so much harder than traveling without them, so I don't expect us to be 50/50. I would be happy with 90/10. But I need you guys to come visit me at least once in a blue moon. Without seeing you on my own turf at least rarely, I don't feel like I truly know you, or that you know me.

[Anonymous]

Ha, no real problem in our case. All good friends with children are in another country, so they couldn't even regularly meet with us or invite us over if they wanted to (i.e., we couldn't just show up anytime, of course, and vice versa). But I can see what you mean, OP, and there are good suggestions coming in here.

[Anonymous]

before i had children, i always went to my friends-with-kids' homes. several lived 1.5 hrs away. it's just easier for them and for me. the kids are in a familiar environment with their toys and their beds. otherwise, i would meet at a kid-friendly location, like the park or a loud restaurant. i wouldn't want them in my home b/c there is simply nothing for kids to do there.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand about family - it does stink (especially when you are TTC - do they know that by the way?)

However, I do know that what I like about going to my sister's house or to my friends who have young kids. If little Jane spills her milk - I get an understanding smile as little Jack spills milk all the time. I don't feel bad because she might have made a mess in some non-kid proof some. Most of my friends have sippy cups and dixie cups and plastic plates and granola bars and cheerios and diapers and wipes and bandaides and (do you see where I'm going with this??)

Kids need stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Stuff that parents of other kids most likely have at their house - and that you probably don't have in yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. No, I'm not actually. I'm pretty assertive at work. In this situation I feel like I can't say anything because if I do (and when I have hinted at it in the past) I will get pretty much the reaction I got from people on this board - You don't understand how hard it is until you have a kid, it's no big deal for you to drive an hour, my life is harder than yours, etc.

I guess I was hoping to hear that there was some line of argument that I could try that would be persuasive to parents and make them understand that I would like them to spend a little time in my life (seeing my house, neighborhood, favorite places, local park, all the things that make my world mine). I feel like they don't really know me (especially my sisters-in-law who have known me a shorter time) because they don't know me in the context of my life, only in the context of their own lives.

We may not end up having kids, so this is the live we have and it is important to us just the way it is.

Be frank with them. I say this as a mother of 3 young kids who is hosting Thanksgiving again b/c it truly is easier to have it at my house than at my in-laws. I really do have some sympathy for you, I really do. I pretty much have never visited my sister in NYC (at her place) with my kids b/c it is SOOOO much easier for her and her husband to come down here (other immediate family lives here too). And her tiny little apartment just wouldn't house us all so we'd have to get a hotel room (2 actually) and so on.

This really isn't fair to her. But I truly don't think she is bothered by it. She understands. She has spent enough time with my kids to appreciate that they would last about 10 minutes in her apartment. And she is okay with it. But if she did have a problem, I'd want to know. I'd want her to be straight up and I'd really try to respect that and make more effort.

HTH.

[Anonymous]

I think OP was actually talking about meeting at restaurants/locations near her house vs. non-homes near the kids. We TTC'd for 6 very long years and we traveled, rarely hosted, and rarely met at a location convenient for us. Some of it traveling is harder on kids and packing for that is harder on parents. Familiarty w/ a restaurant is a big issue for me - was there a changing table/spot, now is it really kid friendly?
I emphathize and know how this stress adds to it all. I'm sorry. It's another sucky symptom of the big IF illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to find friends with no kids. Too bad that you can't deal with their new lives. I am sure you would be here whining if it was the other way around.

[Anonymous]

I don't buy any of the excuses of it being more difficul because of "all the things you have to pack".

This is the same stuff you presumably pack when you do other things with your child (run errands, go to grandma's house, shopping etc.)

As a parent, i agree it is easier to have them come to me, but is it really that hard to grab your diaper bag , a few toys, and a couple snacks?

OP - when talking to your friend, tell her that you understand that it is harder to get out of the house with children, but you'd really like to host at your place sometime. If she pushes back, ask her what specifically is worrying her about coming to her house. I bet it can be easily solved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm guessing that among your family and friends there is also variation in people's attitudes. I have found that some people get really inflexible when they have kids, probably due to a combination of their personalities, their kids' personalities, their level of self-centeredness pre-kids, their notions of fairness, etc. Take a careful look at these people in your life and figure out who is really unwilling and who you just haven't asked yet.

I have some friends/family who will just not make the effort decamp anywhere with their kids under any circumstances. If I want to/must see them, I go to them. I also have two total rockstar friends who are more flexible people. We usually go to their houses, and almost alway do so if we want to get together in the evening so that they can put the kids in their own beds. But, they also make the effort to meet us in our neighborhood and come to our house on occasion. Most importantly, they are nice about aknowledging the inequality and tell us that they appreciate that we accomodate them. What bothers me more than actually accomodating parents is when parents think of this inequality as a right they can casually assume rather than a favor that I am doing them to make their lives easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy any of the excuses of it being more difficul because of "all the things you have to pack".

This is the same stuff you presumably pack when you do other things with your child (run errands, go to grandma's house, shopping etc.)

As a parent, i agree it is easier to have them come to me, but is it really that hard to grab your diaper bag , a few toys, and a couple snacks?

OP - when talking to your friend, tell her that you understand that it is harder to get out of the house with children, but you'd really like to host at your place sometime. If she pushes back, ask her what specifically is worrying her about coming to her house. I bet it can be easily solved.

+1. I have three under age six. Packing for a daytrip with children only becomes a production if you allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy any of the excuses of it being more difficul because of "all the things you have to pack".

This is the same stuff you presumably pack when you do other things with your child (run errands, go to grandma's house, shopping etc.)

As a parent, i agree it is easier to have them come to me, but is it really that hard to grab your diaper bag , a few toys, and a couple snacks?

OP - when talking to your friend, tell her that you understand that it is harder to get out of the house with children, but you'd really like to host at your place sometime. If she pushes back, ask her what specifically is worrying her about coming to her house. I bet it can be easily solved.

+1. I have three under age six. Packing for a daytrip with children only becomes a production if you allow it.

agree also. Some parents get really self-centered regarding packing up, seeing people, etc. Extremely inflexible and utterly unable to see the bigger picture.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids under the age of sex and we frequently travel one hour away to visit DH's parents and 3 sisters who all live in their hometown. It is hell but we do it because our sacrifice makes it easier on everyone else. So I personally cannot imagine making that sacrifice if I had no kids and no worries about pee in the car seats or baby wailing in traffic or toddler and 5yo arguing nonstop.

On the other hand my sister lives 18 hour flight away and has never met my kids. We have offered to pay for her air ticket to visit us but she has not. This makes me sad but I won't consider a trip to her for at least three years.

OP, If you want everyone to come to your house plan an elaborate early afternoon party or holiday celebration on a Sunday. Saturday is the worst day for folks with kids due to activities, errands, etc. Coordinate with parents on the practical matters (i.e. Not just "I'll fix lunch for the kids" but "I have borrowed a Pack n' Play and a high chair and toys and a few Dora and Sponge Bob DVDs and created a kids corner with no valuables where they can play safely). Then they'll come.