People with kids always expecting you to do what is convenient for them
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Or maybe she didn't care that I had already flown 3000 mi, my 1 yr old couldn't walk yet, and spending 1.5 hrs driving round trip to hang out for an hr wasn't worth the effort. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I hear what you are all saying. I posted this in the TTC forum because I am indeed TTC (for five years now, multiple IVF, you know the spiel...), so I am probably overly sensitive on this topic. If it was friends, I suppose I could get new ones, but it is mostly family that I'm dealing with. I have three sisters and three sister-in-laws with small children.
I am not really caught up on the idea of fairness. I don't think that we shouldn't make the biggest effort (I shouldn't have used that word in my original post) but I do think that we shouldn't have to make the only effort. We redid our kitchen nine months ago and five of these women have never seen it even though I have offered to have them over and make lunch for the kids multiple Saturdays. I would just like them to show some sort of interest in my life and I think I have crossed the line into being a pushover. |
Anonymous
| Ahh, the details matter OP! In my book, family is a different story than friends. It does sound like they are being inconsiderate (and I was one of the PPs who said to get over the fairness thing.) My perspective may be skewed by having one sibling who doesn't have kids and he and his wife definitely get the short end of the stick from another sibling. Probably from me too, but I'm at least cognizant of the problem, and he and his wife are totally adored by my kids, so we'd go anywhere to see them! (Again, that's totally different than friends for me!) But truth is, my other sibling doesn't seem to see things the same way, and makes very little effort whatsoever. I wish I could understand it myself, much less justify it here. I try to tell myself that it's their loss and that it's not permanent -- sometimes people get caught up in their lives and fail to demonstrate their love and respect to the people closest to them. |
Anonymous
| I don't want to say the wrong thing or sound like a jerk, but sometimes it is very hard to have your children at someone's house who doesn't have children. Even if the people are really laid back. A lot of times they aren't child-proofed, there aren't toys there, there's no where for kids to sit and eat safely, etc. I'm not saying your house is like this and I do think your family should make the effort to come out and see you at least once, even if it is inconvenient with the kids. Just trying to give some perspective on why people with kids balk at meeting up at places other than their own houses. |
Anonymous
| I have a kid and am happy to drive to meet people, and I do. Having a kid isn't the end of the world - if you treat it like it's a disability, then it becomes one. That said, I only have 1, so maybe it'd be different with 2. But our group of friends live all over and we're all more then happy to drive wherever! |
Anonymous
| I was the last in my family to have a child (my oldest niece was 21 by the time I had my first). That said, I always did the traveling. Always. Occasionally I felt like you did, but I understood the dynamic. Now that I'm the one with little ones, they are the ones that have to do the traveling. |
Anonymous
|
I agree. I have a 3 yr old and even still I dread going anywhere that is an hour away unless it's not super kid friendly b/c it's not worth the hour drive there, and then the hour drive back. Pre kids I wouldn't have minded but now, my life is busy and making sure DD is happy makes the afternoon fun for everyone. Honestly let your friends have this for a few years. Once the kids are older it will get easier, but driving with a baby is HARD! Infact, I would offer to host all parties b/c it was easier to go thru the hassle of hosting/cleaning/food prep than going to a friend's house across the city! People thought i was nuts, until friends in the circle had kids and then they wanted to do everything at their house. I totally got it!
|
Anonymous
Aw...maybe they just care more about you than about your new kitchen.  (Though I would love to see your new kitchen! I love kitchen remodels!)
OP, I wonder if the problem isn't just the traveling but that it just seems like they're not interested in your life overall. When you do make these visits, do you feel like they're engaged with your visit? Or are you just a third wheel while they run after the kids? Because you can be interested in someone's life even if you can't physically be near them all the time. It sounds like they're making you feel like you're not that important ASIDE from the fact that you have to travel to see them. And that's a bit of a different issue, one that might not be fixed even if they were able to visit you every weekend. |
Anonymous
| OP - are you a doormat in other aspects of your life? |
Anonymous
OP here. No, I'm not actually. I'm pretty assertive at work. In this situation I feel like I can't say anything because if I do (and when I have hinted at it in the past) I will get pretty much the reaction I got from people on this board - You don't understand how hard it is until you have a kid, it's no big deal for you to drive an hour, my life is harder than yours, etc. I guess I was hoping to hear that there was some line of argument that I could try that would be persuasive to parents and make them understand that I would like them to spend a little time in my life (seeing my house, neighborhood, favorite places, local park, all the things that make my world mine). I feel like they don't really know me (especially my sisters-in-law who have known me a shorter time) because they don't know me in the context of my life, only in the context of their own lives. We may not end up having kids, so this is the live we have and it is important to us just the way it is. |
Anonymous
| I think the line of argument you're using here is pretty straightforward and well-meaning: "I'd like you to spend a little time in my life because...." I always vote for being honest. If they can't understand what you're saying when you put it that way, they may not ever be able to. But hopefully it might get better when their kids are older. |
Anonymous
|
This is one of those things I didn't really get until I finally had a baby. Now I get it.
Having said that, I agree with you OP that it's not right for your family not to show interest in what's going on in your life and to meet you halfway or come to you--at least sometimes! I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
|
OP you are a better person than I am. I would have dumped these people by now. Friendship needs to be a two way street and I love what the PP said about having a kid isn't a disability!
Good for you for trying to keep the relationship alive, you are doing way better than I would. I can barely deal with people now who have kids, know I'm TTC and tell me about their kid 24/7. |
Anonymous
PP -- are you always an ass in the other aspects of your life? 
|
Anonymous
|
OP, I feel the same way about some of my family/friends because they all live 3 hours away. Some have kids, some don't. But we almost always go to them - AFTER spending 3 hours in the car getting to my parents' house. For me, I feel like they have become disinterested in my life because I "chose" to move away and I worry that once we do finally have a baby, they will still be disinterested. But that's me expecting the worst, which is something I tend to do.
Have you thought of arranging something more formal, as in "hey, I'd like you to come over to my house on this day so we can all spend time together?" and maybe plan some things that is kid friendly? Perhaps mention that you know it's a hassle to pack up the kids but that it would mean a lot to you if they spent some time at your home. |