is it possible for a woman to just not have any close friends?

[Anonymous]

OP here again.

thank you for all the comments, especially the productive ones. The ones of "you must be needy or bored or weird" if you have friends that you talk with or see once a week, well, in my book you are an oddity. I take it that most of these type of posters work full time. Is there no-one that you email or have lunch with or talk over a cubicle wall with more than once in a blue moon? That's what I'm talking about here. That's what's missing from the friend in question. We have the long-drawn-out once-in-a-blue moon conversations. We don't have the "texting, emailing, phoning, or seeing each other casually" aspect of the relationship. When I'm (and I ONLY speak for myself) am working on developing a NEW friendship, I need some sort of communication consistency in the early years of the relationship. Or else (like this) I end up just feeling like a superficial friend or an occasional therapist. I'd rather invest the emotional energy in someone that wants a regular connection. I have PLENTY of friends that I only see once every month. But I don't share the deeper issues with them. That is what is throwing me about this relationship. The conversations are not in sync with the level of the friendship. You don't want a deep friendship, FINE!, but I get confused when you do share and then disappear (and not to a busy life or job). This woman doesn't work and her kids are both in school full time.

Also, never in my posting did I say that I wanted to talk on-and-on on the phone OR talk about making dinner daily. I think my post was unclear. I don't particularly like phone conversations. I HATE long conversations. I don't care what my friends are having for dinner daily. What I want (or should I say, what I have) with close local friendships, is some sort of regular communication. Via email, text, phone, something. And by regular, I mean a whole spectrum of frequency--some are daily, some are weekly, etc. I am not keeping track. However, in all of these friendships there is an ease to the communication. If I want to call up and say, "I'm at a loss, what are you having for dinner?" I feel like I can. I don't feel like I will be judged. I don't even think about it, I just do it.

I do think several posters hit the nail on the head when they said that we have levels of disclosure and I will probably never be happy in this relationship until I change my expectations. (which I am actively doing). Also, I agree that this view of friendship more closely mirrors male communication. My husband is perfectly fulfilled by talking to his one good friend once a month.

Lastly, I now understand why about every other day there some post on DCUM from someone lamenting about their inability to make friends in the greater DC area. Because if the replies to this post are any indication, there are plenty of women out here who are perfectly fine with no local friendships and in fact, (in an anonymous setting) would mock those who do have this. Thankfully, there are many, many others out there who do continue to value and prioritize friendship well into our 30's, despite having multiple children, stressful jobs, etc. I am not saying the woman in question does not prioritize friendship---she likely does in her own way--but others on this post are clearly saying that they don't.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people are at a point where all they do is work, household management, go to kids events , etc. as a parent you met many people through your children. Sometimes friendships change when children go to different schools or follow different paths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and I never called people to ask what they were having for dinner. I found the small talk horribly boring and tedious. I filled my mornings with keeping fit at the gym and dove into my passion, which is cooking.

I also scheduled play dates for my children inbetween the activites that I had them in. However many days were eaten up by me going to the gym, lunch, nap, and then DH arrival home.

OP, you have to understand that not every SAHM is fulfilled by tedious small talk about nothing.

Tedious small talk doesn't fulfill you, but going to the gym and cooking does? Gotcha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I hate talking on the phone, particuarly about nothing. I find it exhausting. I have a good friend who I will talk with on the phone 1-3 times a month for 2-4 hrs at a time (!) but that's it. I'm not a phone talker and she's not much of an emailer (dyslexia.) Maybe your friend is more of an email type person? I'm with the PPs who said I don't have the time or patience for idle chatter with very many people at this stage in my life.

You're right, I find talking on the phone to girlfriends very relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and I never called people to ask what they were having for dinner. I found the small talk horribly boring and tedious. I filled my mornings with keeping fit at the gym and dove into my passion, which is cooking.

I also scheduled play dates for my children inbetween the activites that I had them in. However many days were eaten up by me going to the gym, lunch, nap, and then DH arrival home.

OP, you have to understand that not every SAHM is fulfilled by tedious small talk about nothing.

Tedious small talk doesn't fulfill you, but going to the gym and cooking does? Gotcha.

Yes, exercise does fulfill me and would consume a large part of my day, instead of waiting by the phone for someone to call me. I have a few good friends and we do not need to talk daily. Doing a weekly social activity without the children is pleanty for me. No need to jabber on and on about the latest post to TMZ and how horrible our husbands are at changing diapers.

a TRUE good friend is one where even if you don't talk for a few weeks or month, you pick back right where you left off without missing a beat or harboring insecure feelings of rejection.

[Anonymous]

i am not a phone talker or even texter. I do work--but full-time from home. I have never had the 'traditional girly friendships'. I prefer getting pedicures alone in silence and I like to shop by myself where i can zone in and analyze clothes on my own.

I have a very big social life. plenty of old, new and in-between friends. We have get togethers every weekend. My oldest friend has been my best friend for 35 years. I have work friends in the area that I've worked with for 16+ years. New friends 3-4 years made through firstborn's preschool. newer mom friends from son's newest school. I have one new 'best' friend met while on maternity leave with firstborn...6 years in and living on different continents. Then--there are the college friends (spread all over the east coast..and midwest). I also have parents and siblings in the area that I see monthly.

I don't have a lot of time for daily communication. I have two young children and I have no outside childcare. I have a spouse that works long hours mon-thurs. We enjoy 'family time' during the day on weekends--but get together with friends weekend evenings, etc. It is a lot. I feel like this time in my life I don't have tons to offer everyone, but those that are my best friends don't take it personally if we are not in constant contact. I would find it hard to be friends with someone that needed constant contact. My good friends...we can catch up and fall into place in a matter of minutes. I just saw my best college friend..who moved away 10 years ago and it was like old times. We only manage to call or email every 6 months or more.

I think most of my friends are all in this busy work, child-rearing phase and I imagine things will get really close again as the kids get older and need us less. I see this with my parents now. They are out to dinner, vacationing, lunching with old friends all the time.

Or- maybe- she's just not that into you. It sounds like you have way too much time to obsess about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I hate talking on the phone, particuarly about nothing. I find it exhausting. I have a good friend who I will talk with on the phone 1-3 times a month for 2-4 hrs at a time (!) but that's it. I'm not a phone talker and she's not much of an emailer (dyslexia.) Maybe your friend is more of an email type person?

I'm with the PPs who said I don't have the time or patience for idle chatter with very many people at this stage in my life.

[u]

You're right, I find talking on the phone to girlfriends very relaxing.

YES!!! I so agree with that statement!

[Anonymous]

op, I sympathize with you. I crave regular communication with my friends and never get as much as I would like. I have two best friends who live far away and a few local acquaintances that may or may not turn into friends one day in my definition of friendship (which, like yours, entails somewhat regular communication). I typically talk to my best friends once a week on average, for at least an hour. I wish it could be more, honestly. I also like being able to feel free to call about something insignificant -- with my best friends I can do so, but would feel weird about it with my local "friends". I have 3 kids and am a sahm but even when I was working full time I always found time to keep up my friendships. I guess this is just more important to some of us than it is to others. in my book you are lucky to have some local friends you are comfortable with -- I'd be so happy to just have one.

this thread has been eye-opening. some women don't care about cultivating/maintaining friendships once they have a husband and kids. I don't understand it either, op, as Ii am like you, but to each her own, I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like you just keep saying the same thing over and over. I don't mean that in a nasty or snarky way, but it really sounds like you're making the same point repeatedly - that you want us all to agree to what your idea of friendship is and the amount of communication that is required or considered "normal" for friends, and you keep trying to justify why your view of friendship makes sense. But it's not the only view. Why not just accept that friendship means different things to different people, and that's not based on whether they work or stay home? It's just personality-driven. My SIL works full-time and she is constantly on the phone talking, texting and emailing with friends from all walks of her life (old college friends, former coworkers, new friends). That is just not me. I work part-time and am home a lot, and I never ever talk on the phone, not even with family members, and rarely text anyone other than my husband. I don't even email my friends regularly except for my very best friend whom I e-mail with about 2-3 times a week. But when we do get together, I will talk to my friends about anything and everything, even intimate/highly personal matters.

Some people - like your friend - can share intimately and then not talk to you on a regular basis, but still feel a closeness with you and share some more intimate details/stories the next time you're together - that may be a close friendship to your friend even if it doesn't conform to what you think (insist?) that a close friendship means.

It sounds like this is a person you really enjoy and she apparently enjoys you as well since she has shared intimately with you. Why are you nitpicking over something like this? You are making an issue of nothing. Life is too short. This woman doesn't need/want the same level of communication as you do, but she is a friend nonetheless. Accept her how she is. Be grateful for the friendship you do have with her instead of trying to force it into the same mold as all of your other friendships.

[Anonymous]

OP, your expectations of friendship seem demanding, immature and inflexible to me. Not everyone is comfortable with, or has the time for, the same level of intimacy. Speaking as a SAHM, I'm never lacking for things to do and it's hard to maintain my closest friendships sometimes, let alone casual ones. My working and SAHM friends feel the same way and accept that reality. Cut your friend some slack or find new ones who share your commitment needs.

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like a one-sided high school "girl crush" than a grown up friendship. Op, maybe she's just not that into you. Or maybe she likes you just fine but doesn't have the same friendship needs. Let it go. Life is too short for these little games. It sounds like you have plenty of mutually close friendships. Consider yourself lucky and let your friend be who she is.

And there's no need to get testy about those who are sharing their honest perspectives on friendship with you. Didn't you post seeking advice?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound really nice and like someone I'd love to have for a friend. I'd love to have the kind of friendship you are talking about with someone. Do you live in NoVA by any chance? If so, I would totally email you and introduce myself. I don't have kids though if you're ok with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is a casual conversation or email frequency increase the intimacy of friendship? Based on your posts, it sounds like there is initimacy (vacations together, in-depth conversations, etc), but you crave the frequency of less intimate contacts. This seems contradictory to me. If you measure the level of effort or commitment in a relationship by how often you have contact, perhaps your friend has a differenty metric by which she measures such things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and I never called people to ask what they were having for dinner. I found the small talk horribly boring and tedious. I filled my mornings with keeping fit at the gym and dove into my passion, which is cooking.

I also scheduled play dates for my children inbetween the activites that I had them in. However many days were eaten up by me going to the gym, lunch, nap, and then DH arrival home.

OP, you have to understand that not every SAHM is fulfilled by tedious small talk about nothing.

I cook and exercise, and I work.

How much time do you need to cook and exercise each day?

That sounds absolutely dreadful to me if that's what fills your day.

[Anonymous]

OP, my best friend is my husband. Then my mother, and my sisters, and my kids. They are the people I talk to every day, serious and shallow.

My dearest non-family friends are people I could talk to every day, about everything and nothing, but can't, because we have many children and we homeschool, so life is very full. We joke that's what eternity is for, and we just need to be patient and enjoy the bits and scraps we can grab now.

True friendship is very rare, and transcends how much you have in common, or how much time you have together, or how much chit chat you are able to enjoy. True friendship is based on love (philia or agape). This true friend has your back and accepts you for who you are. I have several friends from our military community who I never would have hung out with otherwise, because we are very different, but they love me and I love them, just as they are, and no matter how far apart we are stationed, we understand and accept each other.

Just love your friend for who she is, as it seems she loves you for who you are. How you experience the friendship is just details, not the core.