is it possible for a woman to just not have any close friends?

[Anonymous]

it is, right?

I've been friends with a woman for two years. We've had all sorts of deep conversations (really sharing of ourselves), we've done a million things together (with and without our kids) and we've vacationed together with our families. However, 2 years into things and I feel like she still keeps me at arms length. She'll never, ever call me out of blue. There's no daily or even weekly communication although we both SAH and we live less than 2 miles from each other. There's NO ease to the relationship or the communication like there is with my other SAH mom friends. No calling just to chat, actually no calling at all unless I initiate it. I feel like while we've had some meaningful conversations that we're really not friends. When I'm friends with someone (at this stage in life---it was different when I worked full time outside of the home), I need some semblance of regular communication.

I've naturally thought, "well, she's just not that into me" (and honestly have been somewhat hurt by this) but then I've realized over the past several months that I honestly don't think that she's very close to anyone or ever has been (she doesn't have many (or any) close out-of-town friends either). Which is funny because she has a zillion casual friendships--she's very popular. However, I honestly think that she keeps 20 to 40 people on a once-a-month rotation and that's it. No-one is really closer. Lots of other people are held slightly farther away (maybe several hundred are in the see-yearly rotation).

Is it possible? I'm sure it is. But if this is similar to you, can you share how it works for you? Are you perfectly happy with this relationship? I'm intrigued by it all and I don't understand it.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it... your second sentence states, "We've had all sorts of deep conversations (really sharing of ourselves), we've done a million things together (with and without our kids) and we've vacationed together with our families." So has she allowed you into her life, her emotional life, or not? Then you go on to state you feel like she hasn't shared enough of herself with you. Is it that she doesn't contact you enough and you have to be the one to initiate? I have a friend who is a very, very private person. It has taken YEARS to get to know her, but it has been worth it, b/c she is a great person and I can't imagine my life without her now.

[Anonymous]

I'm at a phase in my life where I don't have that many friends. I work FT and I am close in a way with people at work. There are some really good people there who I know care about me and I them, and they are fun to be around and laugh with, but we don't socialize much outside of work.

I spend a lot of time with not only my kids and husband, obviously, but also my parents, and I'm somewhat close with my MIL, SIL, and pretty close with my brother. So I feel like I have a lot of connections with people.

But friends outside of work and family - I have some FB friends I share comments with and we have some friends and neighbors we socialize with who I've known for years but not in a best friend way at all. Same with other friends - some good friends I email with and talk on the phone occasionally with but no one I really talk about deep problems with. I'm introverted, busy with family and work, those are my reasons at this point.

[Anonymous]

Some people like a few close friendships, some people like a wide circle of less close friendships. She's not like you... I don't see what the big mystery is.

[Anonymous]

I have many close friends, but the friendships are not at all defined by how frequently we see each other or communicate. In fact, my dearest friends live out of state and I speak with one of them maybe 2x per year. We email and post on FB occassionally, but there are not regular, deep conversations. However, among these friends, both local SAHM friends and out of state, I know that even if we haven't spoken to or seen each other recently, they are always there for me, and I for them. In fact, it's a relief to be at an age that we don't have to play the 'who called last, or who initiated the last contact' game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have many close friends, but the friendships are not at all defined by how frequently we see each other or communicate. In fact, my dearest friends live out of state and I speak with one of them maybe 2x per year. We email and post on FB occassionally, but there are not regular, deep conversations. However, among these friends, both local SAHM friends and out of state, I know that even if we haven't spoken to or seen each other recently, they are always there for me, and I for them. In fact, it's a relief to be at an age that we don't have to play the 'who called last, or who initiated the last contact' game.

This is true friendship. For my closest friends, we can go months without talking and then pick back up like we jus tsaw each other yesterday.

Personally, I don't do well with needy friends who keep tabs.

[Anonymous]

C'mon OP you know you talk too much about yourself and hog the conversation so she isn't able to get in a word edgewise.

[Anonymous]

I'm like this, and I actually do miss having that connection. I used to have close friends, but now with kids, full-time work, and family in the area, it's very tough to make time. I do enjoy connections with DH, DD, and my sister, parents, and in-laws, but I just don't have the energy for more right now, unfortunately.

I'm hoping that I will have more time to be able to give more to relationships in a few years.

[Anonymous]

op here--

i think it's bothering me because it's a relatively new friendship that just isn't going anywhere. we have fits and starts of intimacy and great times together and then nothing.
The SAHM world of friendship sort of exists on regular communication. When I was working full time (with children or without), I never kept tabs on how often I saw or talked to my friends. I would go weeks without seeing or talking to those who were closest to me. But as a SAHM, all of my local friendships that I consider close are a regular part of my life. Not, "let's share deeply and then vanish for weeks on end while we hang out with other people". I think what I've realized (through the ups and downs in this person's life) is that there isn't anyone that she connects with on a regular basis. That her social life is an endless string of coffee dates with an endlessly different array of people. I don't get this. I'd hate to have to reinvent the wheel and retell the whole story again and again and again with each superficial friendship. (While carefully keeping everyone at arm's length)

This is just befuddling me. We have great friendship chemistry, we go deeper on occasion and then nothing for weeks. I don't know if I'm a good friend or one of 30 coffee dates. I get uncomfortable with the intimacy if it's not followed up with something. Some sort of "heh, what are you eating for dinner tonight?" casual phone call or something.

[Anonymous]

Could be that you two just have different ideas about friendship. Why can't you accept that and need to creep in on her space?

[Anonymous]

It's befuddling to me that you find it so incomprehensible that someone would choose to live her life in a different way than you.

It is what it is, OP. Apparently she's not the kind of person to call you up and ask you what you're eating for dinner. I don't really consider that "keeping you at arm's length." Personally, I don't have that level of intimacy with anyone except my husband. I don't call up people on a regular basis just to chat-- just not my style. It's not personal. Not everyone can be Oprah and Gayle-- or wants to be.

Different strokes for different folks. If you want the truth, you sound kind of needy. I mean, if you have friends who want the same level of "intimacy" as you call it, then power to you all. But nothing that you describe of this friend sounds in any way unusual to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here--

i think it's bothering me because it's a relatively new friendship that just isn't going anywhere. we have fits and starts of intimacy and great times together and then nothing.
The SAHM world of friendship sort of exists on regular communication. When I was working full time (with children or without), I never kept tabs on how often I saw or talked to my friends. I would go weeks without seeing or talking to those who were closest to me. But as a SAHM, all of my local friendships that I consider close are a regular part of my life. Not, "let's share deeply and then vanish for weeks on end while we hang out with other people". I think what I've realized (through the ups and downs in this person's life) is that there isn't anyone that she connects with on a regular basis. That her social life is an endless string of coffee dates with an endlessly different array of people. I don't get this. I'd hate to have to reinvent the wheel and retell the whole story again and again and again with each superficial friendship. (While carefully keeping everyone at arm's length)

This is just befuddling me. We have great friendship chemistry, we go deeper on occasion and then nothing for weeks. I don't know if I'm a good friend or one of 30 coffee dates. I get uncomfortable with the intimacy if it's not followed up with something. Some sort of "heh, what are you eating for dinner tonight?" casual phone call or something.

You can't be serious. You actually think that most people have the time for this kind of nonsense? or CARE what you are eating for dinner tonight?

I agree with other posters; you sound extremely needy.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you were working full time you "would go weeks without seeing or talking" to your friends. That's kind of benign neglect. Now that you're a SAHM, you want this person in question to contact you constantly. That's kind of obsessive neediness. You've got to find a way to strike a balance. You sound bored.

[Anonymous]

I haven't had the check in phone calls with my friends since high school. Who has time for that? Agree with PPs, you need to be less needy.

[Anonymous]

op again--
You're telling me that it's unreasonable to have a friendship where you talk to the other person several times a week about "whatever"---from the deep to the superficial? Because I have that with several people. and they're not some sort of crazy co-dependent relationships. 95% of the women I know have these friendships. it's sort of what SAHM friends do.

And I'm not portraying some sort of needy side to this friend. I respect her boundaries completely. I fulfill my need for more consistent friendship with other people. Yes, I get that she's different then me.

Lastly, I guess it all comes down to that I feel a bit like her therapist. I like that she (obviously a private person who cares A LOT about what others think of her) opens up to me. But I don't want our relationship to be just these intense conversations followed by nothing. I just want to hang out and be myself and shoot the breeze and talk about nothing on some sort of a regular basis.

Rather than chasing after her, I have been slowly extricating myself from this situation. I'd rather invest in people who share my friendships needs. I posted this all because I wanted to better understand this, because it has been confusing me for some time.