is it possible for a woman to just not have any close friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you know what you need to do. It also sounds like it's really more of your problem than hers.

[Anonymous]

People are wierd, OP. I've got a friend who I've been friends with literally since fourth grade and we do talk several times a week, about almost everything. We've got a million inside jokes and shared experiences, our kids love each other, and we know each other's extended families well. On paper she is my best friend. And yet, on some level she has never let me get as close as my other girlfriends. I have never--not once--seen her cry. When something bad happens to her, she often doesn't tell me about it until after the fact. She would never spontaneously ask me for plans, and she would never rearrange her schedule in any way to hang out with me. She texted me to tell me she was pregnant. The list goes on.

And yet, she doesn't have any other friends who are closer than I am. She's got tons of friends but the relationships seem more "formal" than my other friendships. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that she doesn't let me in more, but I think it's just who she is. I wouldn't say it's "normal" in the sense that it's common for women to be like her, but I don't think it makes her unhappy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op again--
You're telling me that it's unreasonable to have a friendship where you talk to the other person several times a week about "whatever"---from the deep to the superficial? Because I have that with several people. and they're not some sort of crazy co-dependent relationships. 95% of the women I know have these friendships. it's sort of what SAHM friends do.

And I'm not portraying some sort of needy side to this friend. I respect her boundaries completely. I fulfill my need for more consistent friendship with other people. Yes, I get that she's different then me.

Lastly, I guess it all comes down to that I feel a bit like her therapist. I like that she (obviously a private person who cares A LOT about what others think of her) opens up to me. But I don't want our relationship to be just these intense conversations followed by nothing. I just want to hang out and be myself and shoot the breeze and talk about nothing on some sort of a regular basis.

Rather than chasing after her, I have been slowly extricating myself from this situation. I'd rather invest in people who share my friendships needs. I posted this all because I wanted to better understand this, because it has been confusing me for some time.

We must know totally different women. I would say I know no one who talks to afriend several times a wekk. The only person I talk to several times a week (or have time to talk to) ismy spouse and my parents.

I would not be able to or intrested in sustaining that type of friendship at this stage of my life. I am like many of th PP's - my oldest and dearest friends are ones I may only talk to a few times a year and that is fine with me. I have too many demands and responsibilities in my life and I would hate for a friendship to feel like a demand or responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I'm not into needy friends. They really are the worst. I enjoy having friends, but I'm not one to spend hours (or to be honest, anything over 15 minutes) on the phone just chatting. I almost never call my female friends. No particular reason why...I just don't. When they call me, I'm almost always willing to talk (and will likely talk their ear off ).

With that said, OP you sound kind of needy and bored. Maybe you should volunteer somewhere to fill some of your time?

If I'm being completely honest, I'm more into casual friendships at this point in my life. I don't have the time (nor perhaps the inclination) to invest tons of time into building and maintaining deep friendships.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she's way out of your league. Be glad to have known her and remember that she was kind enough to befriend you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op again--
You're telling me that it's unreasonable to have a friendship where you talk to the other person several times a week about "whatever"---from the deep to the superficial? Because I have that with several people. and they're not some sort of crazy co-dependent relationships. 95% of the women I know have these friendships. it's sort of what SAHM friends do.

And I'm not portraying some sort of needy side to this friend. I respect her boundaries completely. I fulfill my need for more consistent friendship with other people. Yes, I get that she's different then me.

Lastly, I guess it all comes down to that I feel a bit like her therapist. I like that she (obviously a private person who cares A LOT about what others think of her) opens up to me. But I don't want our relationship to be just these intense conversations followed by nothing. I just want to hang out and be myself and shoot the breeze and talk about nothing on some sort of a regular basis.

Rather than chasing after her, I have been slowly extricating myself from this situation. I'd rather invest in people who share my friendships needs. I posted this all because I wanted to better understand this, because it has been confusing me for some time.

We must know totally different women. I would say I know no one who talks to afriend several times a wekk. The only person I talk to several times a week (or have time to talk to) ismy spouse and my parents.

I would not be able to or intrested in sustaining that type of friendship at this stage of my life. I am like many of th PP's - my oldest and dearest friends are ones I may only talk to a few times a year and that is fine with me. I have too many demands and responsibilities in my life and I would hate for a friendship to feel like a demand or responsibility.

It was only a matter of time before the too cool/too busy poster chimed in.

I agree that most of us don't have the time to have friendships that are as intense as those we had when we were younger, I do have several friends that I speak to at least once a week. Usually this is when I am commuting, walking the dog, or scarfing down lunch at work, so it's not like it takes any extra time. I have an amazing husband and family, but I really do treasure my female friendships.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and have made some close friends over the years but I can't say there's anyone I talk to several times a week, no matter how close we are. I haven't had that dynamic since before I had kids. I think it's pretty rare. OP, just the fact that you have spent tons of time with this person, with and without kids, have vacationed together, and it's actually a new friendship...well, it sounds wonderful! I would just enjoy it. Trust me, she's not holding you at arm's length - I can't imagine she has any idea that you would want or expect more. What you describe as typical, even for SAHM's, is extremely unusual once people are married with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is, right?

I've been friends with a woman for two years. We've had all sorts of deep conversations (really sharing of ourselves), we've done a million things together (with and without our kids) and we've vacationed together with our families. However, 2 years into things and I feel like she still keeps me at arms length. She'll never, ever call me out of blue. There's no daily or even weekly communication although we both SAH and we live less than 2 miles from each other. There's NO ease to the relationship or the communication like there is with my other SAH mom friends. No calling just to chat, actually no calling at all unless I initiate it. I feel like while we've had some meaningful conversations that we're really not friends. When I'm friends with someone (at this stage in life---it was different when I worked full time outside of the home), I need some semblance of regular communication.

I've naturally thought, "well, she's just not that into me" (and honestly have been somewhat hurt by this) but then I've realized over the past several months that I honestly don't think that she's very close to anyone or ever has been (she doesn't have many (or any) close out-of-town friends either). Which is funny because she has a zillion casual friendships--she's very popular. However, I honestly think that she keeps 20 to 40 people on a once-a-month rotation and that's it. No-one is really closer. Lots of other people are held slightly farther away (maybe several hundred are in the see-yearly rotation).

Is it possible? I'm sure it is. But if this is similar to you, can you share how it works for you? Are you perfectly happy with this relationship? I'm intrigued by it all and I don't understand it.

I think your friendship sounds amazing and I would love to have found a friend in the area to have this kind of friendship with! Yes, the two of you aren't talking on the phone but you've done things like vacation together, and it sounds like you have meaningful conversations regularly. She just sounds like the type of person who doesn't like to talk on the phone, but I wouldn't take that personally. As for me, I don't like to talk on the phone--I prefer long emails as the way to communicate with someone, but I just would never call a friend to chat, no matter how close of friends I thought we were. It's just not my style, because I like to communicate with others when it's convenient for me, and the phone is just not convenient for me. But my preference for email communication over phone is something I hope a friend wouldn't take personally. I wouldn't take the lack of frequent communication as any indication of how she views your friendship. I think from the other ways your friendship is rich and meaningful that she clearly values you as a close friend. People have different ideas of how to communicate with friends, whether by email, phone, etc., and I don't think it's any reflection of how she views your friendship.

I think you are very lucky to have found a friendship like this. I wish I could find one and I've been trying to meet new people and make new friends for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op again--
You're telling me that it's unreasonable to have a friendship where you talk to the other person several times a week about "whatever"---from the deep to the superficial? Because I have that with several people. and they're not some sort of crazy co-dependent relationships. 95% of the women I know have these friendships. it's sort of what SAHM friends do.

And I'm not portraying some sort of needy side to this friend. I respect her boundaries completely. I fulfill my need for more consistent friendship with other people. Yes, I get that she's different then me.

Lastly, I guess it all comes down to that I feel a bit like her therapist. I like that she (obviously a private person who cares A LOT about what others think of her) opens up to me. But I don't want our relationship to be just these intense conversations followed by nothing. I just want to hang out and be myself and shoot the breeze and talk about nothing on some sort of a regular basis.

Rather than chasing after her, I have been slowly extricating myself from this situation. I'd rather invest in people who share my friendships needs. I posted this all because I wanted to better understand this, because it has been confusing me for some time.

OP, I've known women (and people) like this. You two have different levels of disclosure. So you'll probably never be satisfied. Meanwhile, she could possibly think that you're too needy if you call her to ask what she wants for dinner. I'm more of a sharer and have close friends who are as well. My husband is too. I've learned that I don't do well in a relationship (romantic or friendly) where the other person is closed-off. It's just different styles of living and different ideas about what friendship is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP. The woman you are describing is an engineering type who is most comfortable with men. That IS intimacy to her. She doesn't know any different.

[Anonymous]

I think she is probably just shy. I am like this. Sometimes (very rarely), I don't even want to talk to my family. I need to tell them that I just need some time alone. Talking to other people can be very trying for the shy. We find it emotionally draining and would never initiate it. I feel jealous that other women can be so comfortable with each other, but know that I will always feel some tension when I am with other people, no matter how much I like them (and yes, I'm an engineer and am most comfortable with men.)

[Anonymous]

I don't really have any "close friends". I have lots of people I consider friends. But no one that I particularly care about talking to every day. When was younger (20s and 30s) I did have a few close friends. But I guess now that I'm older, I'm pretty content spending most of my time with my best friend...my husband.

The only people I talk to every single day (other than my husband and my kids) are my sisters. And I talk to them at least two or three times a day.

I guess I just don't feel the need for close friends. Honestly, I don't even like most women. I hate gossip and drama. And most women seem to engage in way too much of both.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I hate talking on the phone, particuarly about nothing. I find it exhausting. I have a good friend who I will talk with on the phone 1-3 times a month for 2-4 hrs at a time (!) but that's it. I'm not a phone talker and she's not much of an emailer (dyslexia.) Maybe your friend is more of an email type person? I'm with the PPs who said I don't have the time or patience for idle chatter with very many people at this stage in my life.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM and I never called people to ask what they were having for dinner. I found the small talk horribly boring and tedious. I filled my mornings with keeping fit at the gym and dove into my passion, which is cooking.

I also scheduled play dates for my children inbetween the activites that I had them in. However many days were eaten up by me going to the gym, lunch, nap, and then DH arrival home.

OP, you have to understand that not every SAHM is fulfilled by tedious small talk about nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you sound like a nice, normal person, but also kind of immature. Not everyone likes to talk on and on. I never got women like that. My MIL will talk on the phone for an hour about nothing. I'm the type who says a few things and then, that is enough. Try to understand that not everyone is like you in "overshare" mode.