Brother and SIL situation

[Anonymous]

Those of you who say that you distance yourselves from your in-laws, I totally get that. In-laws can be very annoying and hard to deal with. But in the cases where they have actually not done anything extremely wrong, but you just don't get along, isn't it kind of selfish to limit your spouse's (although he's an adult of course and can do as he pleases) but more importantly your children's time with an entire side of your family? It seems like it should be important to you that they have a relationship with both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sort of on the other side of this, in your brother's shoes. I have local family members who get together regularly, and my family and I sometimes go, sometimes don't. In our situation, it is for several reasons. I do love my family, but I am very different from the rest of them, and those differences have caused a lot of friction and hurt feelings (mine) over the years. I sucked it up and dealt with it for a very long time, but at some point I just decided, with the help of a therapist, to set some boundaries, to decide what *I* wanted, etc. My relatives are actually pretty decent to me now, but there is so much history that is still there in the background. I guess what I am saying is, while the distancing may appear to you to be SIL's doing, you just don't know. Realize that she might just be looking out for your brother and giving him the support he needs to make changes he wants/needs to make.

I have to think that your brother and/or SIL have decided that your extended family's dynamics are just not healthy for them and/or their children, for whatever reason. I'm sure that can be hard to even contemplate for you given that you sound like you are very close with your family.

You sound like a nice person, and when I first read your post I thought your brother and SIL sounded aloof and self-absorbed. Then I realized that is probably how my family sees me. Ouch.

Try to walk in your brother's shoes. Try to see things from his perspective. And then do the same for SIL.

I agree with this completely. Sounds like your brother is interested in moving forward with his family and not rehashing or opening up whatever cans of worms are there from his younger life. I am also the person who is different and went away; I may be a complete puzzle to my family but I don't care. I am not miserable and my spouse is not distancing me from my family.

I find this just.. well.. ick. There must be something else going on. My brother says he's not miserable, yet he has a lot of issues, and so does SIL. Running away from your family always seems like a partial solution, or no solution, rather an avoidance of something deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:42 could also be me, except swap out FIL for MIL at the end.

I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family.

Then you are in denial. Your husband's family is your family by marriage, and it is your children's family by blood. You can never sever the ties between your children and your husband's family. My SIL is just like you. She wants nothing to do with me and my husband, yet my children and hers are close friends. It kills her, but she can't break that bond. She tries very hard to keep our children from seeing hers, but once they are 18, she won't be able to stop her children from seeing my children, which they clearly want to do. Her behavior offends me and my children. Ultimately, her children will resent her for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who say that you distance yourselves from your in-laws, I totally get that. In-laws can be very annoying and hard to deal with. But in the cases where they have actually not done anything extremely wrong, but you just don't get along, isn't it kind of selfish to limit your spouse's (although he's an adult of course and can do as he pleases) but more importantly your children's time with an entire side of your family? It seems like it should be important to you that they have a relationship with both sides.

I totally agree with this. I can't stand my in-laws, but I take my children to see them regularly, and I invite them to visit because I think it's important that the children have a relationship with them, dysfunctional as they are. My in-laws love my children, and my children need to know there are more people in the world than their parents and siblings who love them. I have no family, so I have to put up with my in-laws' b.s. for the sake of the children. DH is the one who is distant from his parents, and I'm the one pushing us to get together. I think blood ties are important, no matter how awful the relations. I find there is often a point or two of common ground where we can be at peace, but it can be difficult to find. I always arrange our visits so I spend as little time with my in-laws as possible so as to avoid too much injury to my self-esteem. But I would never cut them off completely. They can't help their odd, dysfunctional ways, and they aren't going to change now. BTW, my children love them and love seeing them. They don't see their flaws, they only see grandparents who love them and pay attention to them.

[Anonymous]

Phew! OP here. Those posts on page 2 were a little rough. I'm very sorry to those who have had such horrible childhoods. But I'm pretty sure that's not the situation here. My brother's behavior switched almost overnight (although he's always been on the selfish side). That's why I just want to understand.

I've read many in-law bashing posts, and we are not nightmare in-laws. (That's why I called this post a reverse-in-law-bashing post. Just asking, from my SIL's perspective and based on their treatment of me, what other people think is going on). Like I said, we're not perfect people, but we're happy people. And I don't think we're dysfunctional, although I guess everyone has different gauges for that. But, again, not nightmare. Also, because I've been pondering this for the last several years (wondering what I've done, what my parents have done, and yes, whether my brother had a happy childhood), I think I'm aware enough of the tension between us (and willing to adapt to the new situation) that I don't think I warrant the treatment they've given me.

And yes, I agree with the immediate PPs. My children love love love my husband's parents. And my in-laws can be seriously irritating as would anyone who you don't know, didn't grow up knowing, and is around more frequently than any other new person in your life typically would be. But, seeing the relationship they have fostered with my children, I can't imagine depriving either of them of it (absent nightmare circumstances, of course). It just continually floors me that by brother does not feel the same.

And, yes, I mourn this "living" loss. Selfish as he is, I love my brother and I miss him, I wish my SIL and I had a better relationship, and I wish I new their children.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Sorry, I meant "Whew!" obviously not "Phew!" And "I wish I knew their children" (not "new"). Up late, bad typos.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this situation is about your B/SIL, not you. I wouldn't spend more time examining and pondering what caused it because it's not you, it's them.

My family has a similar dynamic and I was very puzzled by my brother's behavior and the coldness of my SIL, from the time the engagement was announced. After much time, I came to understand that they had a pact, so to speak, that each would deal with their own families and the other would not be dragged in. This is their way of streamlining and handling their extremely busy lives. These are not emotional people and they do not perceive the emotional ramifications of such a method of dealing with family.

I would not "confront" your brother. I would continue to treat him the way you have always treated him, sending whatever cards and gifts you have always sent. Does he have office email? Communicate with him via that channel. Don't bring up his behavior or that of his wife. Continue to be the same sister you have always been, leaving the door open for a more friendly relationship. Mention kids' birthdays, ask what they are into, mention that it would be great to get the kids together. Don't pressure. The situation will not be static. People do change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who say that you distance yourselves from your in-laws, I totally get that. In-laws can be very annoying and hard to deal with. But in the cases where they have actually not done anything extremely wrong, but you just don't get along, isn't it kind of selfish to limit your spouse's (although he's an adult of course and can do as he pleases) but more importantly your children's time with an entire side of your family? It seems like it should be important to you that they have a relationship with both sides.

I totally agree with this. I can't stand my in-laws, but I take my children to see them regularly, and I invite them to visit because I think it's important that the children have a relationship with them, dysfunctional as they are. My in-laws love my children, and my children need to know there are more people in the world than their parents and siblings who love them. I have no family, so I have to put up with my in-laws' b.s. for the sake of the children. DH is the one who is distant from his parents, and I'm the one pushing us to get together. I think blood ties are important, no matter how awful the relations. I find there is often a point or two of common ground where we can be at peace, but it can be difficult to find. I always arrange our visits so I spend as little time with my in-laws as possible so as to avoid too much injury to my self-esteem. But I would never cut them off completely. They can't help their odd, dysfunctional ways, and they aren't going to change now. BTW, my children love them and love seeing them. They don't see their flaws, they only see grandparents who love them and pay attention to them.

I am a PP who mentioned creating some distance with my inlaws. Maybe I wasn't so clear. I do think its important for my children to know and have a relationship with my inlaws. But they want to see us every week! We feel the need to establish boundaries and distance a bit because we need some space. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have nothing in common with them and don't trust them as baby sitters, so to have to spend time with them every week or two is exhausting and interferes with us making other plans. I think sometimes when people make posts (like myself) we haven't presented the entire context. So there are those who want distance and never see their inlaws, but then there are others, who like me, do see their inlaws but want the distance because we just feel like its too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who say that you distance yourselves from your in-laws, I totally get that. In-laws can be very annoying and hard to deal with. But in the cases where they have actually not done anything extremely wrong, but you just don't get along, isn't it kind of selfish to limit your spouse's (although he's an adult of course and can do as he pleases) but more importantly your children's time with an entire side of your family? It seems like it should be important to you that they have a relationship with both sides.

Yes. However, it was these feelings that made me to continue interacting with them. Eventually it was actually my kids that started to notice the things they were saying and doing and told me they didn't want to see them. I feel a lot of guilt. On the other hand I grew up with one set of grandparents that loved us dearly and were wonderful, caring, sweet people. We only saw them once a year but it was always incredible. The other grandmother not so much. She would spend the entire summer living with us and was so mean to me and my siblings and even my mom. So spending time together doesn't not always improve a relationship. If their personality is such that their actions are hurtful to others there is no way that will improve with time spent together. As a result of my own childhood experiences I have decided its better to be distance and have somewhat positive relationship as a result then to force something that is not going to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Phew! OP here. Those posts on page 2 were a little rough. I'm very sorry to those who have had such horrible childhoods. But I'm pretty sure that's not the situation here. My brother's behavior switched almost overnight (although he's always been on the selfish side). That's why I just want to understand.

I've read many in-law bashing posts, and we are not nightmare in-laws. (That's why I called this post a reverse-in-law-bashing post. Just asking, from my SIL's perspective and based on their treatment of me, what other people think is going on). Like I said, we're not perfect people, but we're happy people. And I don't think we're dysfunctional, although I guess everyone has different gauges for that. But, again, not nightmare. Also, because I've been pondering this for the last several years (wondering what I've done, what my parents have done, and yes, whether my brother had a happy childhood), I think I'm aware enough of the tension between us (and willing to adapt to the new situation) that I don't think I warrant the treatment they've given me.

And yes, I agree with the immediate PPs. My children love love love my husband's parents. And my in-laws can be seriously irritating as would anyone who you don't know, didn't grow up knowing, and is around more frequently than any other new person in your life typically would be. But, seeing the relationship they have fostered with my children, I can't imagine depriving either of them of it (absent nightmare circumstances, of course). It just continually floors me that by brother does not feel the same.

And, yes, I mourn this "living" loss. Selfish as he is, I love my brother and I miss him, I wish my SIL and I had a better relationship, and I wish I new their children.

Maybe they just don't have the emotional attachment to your family of origin that you wish they would have. Doesn't make them bad people, doesn't mean it is hurting their kids. People are entitled to structure their family lives as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:42 could also be me, except swap out FIL for MIL at the end.

I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family.

I think this is highly situational...I don't feel like my husband's family is my family, partially because they are more reserved than my family (and I haven't spent much time with them, since they live abroad). But my brother's wife's family makes me feel like part of their family...I can't believe how much of her family traveled to attend my wedding; her parents treat me like their own child. I have stayed with them for days at a time and it really felt just like being at home. They are openly affectionate people, whereas my husband's family are not...and I think there's a language barrier too. They all speak English just fine but to one another, speak a language I don't understand. (One of my husban's uncles kept calling everyone out on this behavior, which I appreciated, but it didn't change things. But he is certainly my favorite IL )

[Anonymous]

"I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family."

Ditto. And I don't care if it's "cold".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family."

Ditto. And I don't care if it's "cold".

Speaking as a person who has been treated very coldly by my SIL from the time the engagement was announced, I am not asking her to treat me "like family." That was never the intention. Why would I want a stranger to treat me like family? What I am asking, what I think anyone would ask, is for ADULT BEHAVIOR. Courtesy instead of rudeness and coldness. Being treated like family is not the opposite of coldness. Human decency, maturity, and adult courtesy is. Coldness is something that an immature little brat dishes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:, I love my brother and I miss him, I wish my SIL and I had a better relationship, and I wish I new their children.

So say this!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who say that you distance yourselves from your in-laws, I totally get that. In-laws can be very annoying and hard to deal with. But in the cases where they have actually not done anything extremely wrong, but you just don't get along, isn't it kind of selfish to limit your spouse's (although he's an adult of course and can do as he pleases) but more importantly your children's time with an entire side of your family? It seems like it should be important to you that they have a relationship with both sides.

I totally agree with this. I can't stand my in-laws, but I take my children to see them regularly, and I invite them to visit because I think it's important that the children have a relationship with them, dysfunctional as they are. My in-laws love my children, and my children need to know there are more people in the world than their parents and siblings who love them. I have no family, so I have to put up with my in-laws' b.s. for the sake of the children. DH is the one who is distant from his parents, and I'm the one pushing us to get together. I think blood ties are important, no matter how awful the relations. I find there is often a point or two of common ground where we can be at peace, but it can be difficult to find. I always arrange our visits so I spend as little time with my in-laws as possible so as to avoid too much injury to my self-esteem. But I would never cut them off completely. They can't help their odd, dysfunctional ways, and they aren't going to change now. BTW, my children love them and love seeing them. They don't see their flaws, they only see grandparents who love them and pay attention to them.

I think the bolded statement is fine for you but not everyone feels this way. I have a very difficult family and it took me a long time to realize there are two kinds of family - one that you're born into and one you create. As a child, you have no choice as to who your family is but as an adult, you do get to choose. I'm not going to burden my childen with relationships that aren't worthwhile - blood ties are irrelevant for me.