Brother and SIL situation

[Anonymous]

This is a reverse-in-law-bashing post.

From the initial family gatherings post-wedding (not pre-wedding, which is just strange), it would seem that my SIL does not prefer me, my parents or the rest of my extended family. We all live within the same area (20-30 mile radius), but we only see them on special occasions (maybe for a total of 12 hours per year). As for holidays, my parents babysitting their kids even once (while her family regularly babysits), even playdates with my children (without the grandparents there so as not to make it too intense of a family gathering) - forget about it.

In trying to figure out what was going on, I've read some of these in-law bashing posts. Everyone says "establish boundaries." And "have your DH handle it." And, "you and DH should have a united front." And "distance yourself." And "no need to explain yourself." All very good advice, but, well, it seems that that is exactly what they have done, and it has broken my heart, and it has broken the rest of my family's heart (most notably, my parents'). When I attempted to ask my brother what was going on, he would stammer, get distracted, and quickly get off the phone. And then cancel the next get together (for a seemingly innocuous reason). It has happened enough times that it's predictable (it's been a few years) and we've since "learned our lesson" to keep our distance so that we can see them again. But when we do, we are always on eggshells around them because noone has any idea as to what upsets them.

I don't understand, and I just really want to understand. I mean, we are not perfect people, but we're nice/safety-conscious/happy people. I would never do this to my husband's family, who are not perfect people either, or to my children, who will know both sides of their family (except, perhaps, my brother's). Why would they distance themselves from all of us, with zero explanation to any of us? It's as if they have unilaterally decided to cookie-cutter us into a pre-determined (limited) role in their lives by not letting us learn about them so that we can not cultivate a relationship with them. Anyone have any insight?

[Anonymous]

my brother and SIL are exactly the same way. we used to live 20 miles from them, and they almost never came to see us, even though our kids are almost the same age and get along well. it's a mystery to me. I guess my brother does not like me, and neither does my SIL. We're democrats and they are republicans, so we have some fairly different world views, but we're basically nice, typical suburban parents raising our kids in as healthy a way as we can. We've since moved much further away, and don't see them at all any more, which is sad for the kids, but much better for my sanity. I don't think about them as much, and it doesn't hurt me as much that they don't want anything to do with me or my family.

I don't understand either. We're fairly likeable, I'd like to think. Most of our other relatives like us, we have many friends, we bathe regularly and don't talk with our mouths full. I guess, OP, what I'm trying to say is that you just have to let go, as I have. It's better for your mental health. They don't want to see you, for whatever reason. Go on and live your life and forget about them as best you can.

the loss of my brother and his family is a source of grief for me, but I'm getting used to it, and the pain is starting to shrink. I wish it weren't this way, but it's my brother's and my SIL's decision, and I simply have to accept it.

[Anonymous]

I don't have siblings in the area but we have this issue with a very close cousin and his family. Cousin's brother passed away several years ago. Living cousin and I have children that are the same age. We each have no other siblings. We live ten minutes apart yet cousin's wife never wants to spend time with us. It breaks my heart for our kids. It really does. I want the kids to be close just like me and my cousins were growing up.

I just don't get people sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Do your parents invite the grandchildren over? Do they take initiative? Sorry for what sounds like a hurtful situation.

[Anonymous]

17:35: Yes, they do. And they've offered to babysit. Turned down, over and oiver. They still offer, but always feel like they're intruding when they do.

[Anonymous]

Just to commiserate. We have a very similar situation and it's been going on for over 20 years. Both my parents and my brother and I have reached out MANY MANY times over the years, to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Since you don't have ANYTHING to lose here, I would ask them. Be honest, and non critical. Say something like, "I miss you. I would like to see you and SIL and your children more. Sometimes, it seems that you are distancing yourself from ME (make sure it is clear that it is you, not your whole extended family you are speaking for) and I've been wondering if there is something that has happened that I may not be aware of. I'd like to fix things becasue I value the relationship we used to have and would like to make sure we can have a good relationship in the future" Don't let him stammer and get off the phone. Be kind and say something like, "I know talking about this sort of thing is difficult, but you are important to me". Basically, put him in a situation where he has to say something or hang up on you. He probably won't hang up on you.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

18:00: I've come very close to doing that. But I worry that it would make things awkward between us, or more likely, between SIL and me, and then they would think twice about coming to the next event, and then my parents would miss out on seeing them. And I wouldn't want to do that to them.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for this situation, I really am. I've been there on the same side of it and it sucks.

Could there be anytihng that you or your parents have done to cause SIL offense? Don't take this just as a flame--seriously think about it. Sometimes people get really upset over things that you just gloss over. My SIL stopped having a good relationship with our inlaws after they made a few cracks, offhandedly, about religion not being their thing. She thought they were making fun of her, disparaging her, when really they weren't. But it's all about perception.

If you can find this out and apologize, it might heal the rift.

[Anonymous]

I agree with it all being in perception. Your idea of what your parents are and have been may be vastly different from your brother's. He might not see them in the same charmed way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:00: I've come very close to doing that. But I worry that it would make things awkward between us, or more likely, between SIL and me, and then they would think twice about coming to the next event, and then my parents would miss out on seeing them. And I wouldn't want to do that to them.

Things are already very awkward. You really have very little to lose. Actually, probably nothing.

[Anonymous]

This is probably going to sound pretty harsh - that's not my intention at all - but this is somewhat similar to my situation with my in-laws. My DH is wonderful and I appreciate that my in-laws raised such a wonderful person. I respect them and honor them but they're looking for an emotional closeness with me that I just don't feel. They're nice people, I just don't connect with them. I go over for dinner, invite them for dinner at our house, etc (they live 3 miles from us) and am always cordial with them. I just don't feel close to them and I know they long for a close relationship. It's not anything they've done, I'm just not close to them. It's caused tension in my relationship with my DH because he knows my behavior can't be faulted, I'm faulted for something emotional. My point is, you can't make someone love you or want to spend time with you. Have you considered that you may not have done anything at all, that your SIL just doesn't connect with your side of the family and your DH is too uncomfortable to discuss it with you? That was the issue in our relationship, my DH didn't know how to respond to his parents' questions about why I didn't love them more. Something you might think about.

[Anonymous]

unfortunately, when brothers get married, their wives control their social life. Who knows what real or imagined problem she has. Your brother is probably miserable so maybe you can meet up with him alone? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The other side. I am married to a guy who has a sister and parents in the area. My husband is a nice guy but has problems. My sister in law is a nice person but she ALWAYS puts on this better than though persona that is irritating as hell. She will never discuss her problems (since she pretends she does not have any), she just puts on... fronts. It has made me not want to hang out with her because it is just so fake. Her parents are also good people. But they are so awkward. Conversation is forced. They never just chat like normal people. It is very hard to get through a night or meal or anything. I do let our child spend as much time with them as they want as I think that is important.

[Anonymous]

I second the advice to try to have a frank conversation with your brother -- or maybe even directly with your SIL. I am the SIL in this situation (though my SIL doesn't have kids, so it's much less weird not to hang out) and the truth is that both my SIL and my MIL have super weird dysfunction around food. CONSTANTLY talking about food, trying to stuff my kids with junk food, every meal there is a discussion about how many calories in this, shouldn't be eating that b/c it's fattening, etc. It does make me strive to keep my kids away from both of them, esp. my daughter, because it's so pervasive and my kids so far seem to have a healthy relationship with food and I'd hate for my daughter to end up like either of them (one is quite overweight and one is not, but they both seem miserable about their body images and are obsessed with food). I am sure they have no idea that I feel this way, but if they asked why we weren't closer, I might tell them, because there is a part of me that longs to say something.

OP: Obviously, this is not the issue with you, but just like the PP who mentioned that offhand comments about religion were the cause of a rift in her family, there could be an issue that is really problematic for your SIL that could be fixed or at least moderated if you could learn what it is. Obviously, it could also just be that she doesn't click with you guys or there is an issue that can't be fixed (e.g., she has some strong disagreement with your values). But, it does sound like you don't have much to lose by inquiring. Good luck!