Brother and SIL situation

[Anonymous]

I'm sort of on the other side of this, in your brother's shoes. I have local family members who get together regularly, and my family and I sometimes go, sometimes don't. In our situation, it is for several reasons. I do love my family, but I am very different from the rest of them, and those differences have caused a lot of friction and hurt feelings (mine) over the years. I sucked it up and dealt with it for a very long time, but at some point I just decided, with the help of a therapist, to set some boundaries, to decide what *I* wanted, etc. My relatives are actually pretty decent to me now, but there is so much history that is still there in the background. I guess what I am saying is, while the distancing may appear to you to be SIL's doing, you just don't know. Realize that she might just be looking out for your brother and giving him the support he needs to make changes he wants/needs to make.

I have to think that your brother and/or SIL have decided that your extended family's dynamics are just not healthy for them and/or their children, for whatever reason. I'm sure that can be hard to even contemplate for you given that you sound like you are very close with your family.

You sound like a nice person, and when I first read your post I thought your brother and SIL sounded aloof and self-absorbed. Then I realized that is probably how my family sees me. Ouch.

Try to walk in your brother's shoes. Try to see things from his perspective. And then do the same for SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sort of on the other side of this, in your brother's shoes. I have local family members who get together regularly, and my family and I sometimes go, sometimes don't. In our situation, it is for several reasons. I do love my family, but I am very different from the rest of them, and those differences have caused a lot of friction and hurt feelings (mine) over the years. I sucked it up and dealt with it for a very long time, but at some point I just decided, with the help of a therapist, to set some boundaries, to decide what *I* wanted, etc. My relatives are actually pretty decent to me now, but there is so much history that is still there in the background. I guess what I am saying is, while the distancing may appear to you to be SIL's doing, you just don't know. Realize that she might just be looking out for your brother and giving him the support he needs to make changes he wants/needs to make.

I have to think that your brother and/or SIL have decided that your extended family's dynamics are just not healthy for them and/or their children, for whatever reason. I'm sure that can be hard to even contemplate for you given that you sound like you are very close with your family.

You sound like a nice person, and when I first read your post I thought your brother and SIL sounded aloof and self-absorbed. Then I realized that is probably how my family sees me. Ouch.

Try to walk in your brother's shoes. Try to see things from his perspective. And then do the same for SIL.

I agree with this completely. Sounds like your brother is interested in moving forward with his family and not rehashing or opening up whatever cans of worms are there from his younger life. I am also the person who is different and went away; I may be a complete puzzle to my family but I don't care. I am not miserable and my spouse is not distancing me from my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a reverse-in-law-bashing post.

From the initial family gatherings post-wedding (not pre-wedding, which is just strange), it would seem that my SIL does not prefer me, my parents or the rest of my extended family. We all live within the same area (20-30 mile radius), but we only see them on special occasions (maybe for a total of 12 hours per year). As for holidays, my parents babysitting their kids even once (while her family regularly babysits), even playdates with my children (without the grandparents there so as not to make it too intense of a family gathering) - forget about it.

In trying to figure out what was going on, I've read some of these in-law bashing posts. Everyone says "establish boundaries." And "have your DH handle it." And, "you and DH should have a united front." And "distance yourself." And "no need to explain yourself." All very good advice, but, well, it seems that that is exactly what they have done, and it has broken my heart, and it has broken the rest of my family's heart (most notably, my parents'). When I attempted to ask my brother what was going on, he would stammer, get distracted, and quickly get off the phone. And then cancel the next get together (for a seemingly innocuous reason). It has happened enough times that it's predictable (it's been a few years) and we've since "learned our lesson" to keep our distance so that we can see them again. But when we do, we are always on eggshells around them because noone has any idea as to what upsets them.

I don't understand, and I just really want to understand. I mean, we are not perfect people, but we're nice/safety-conscious/happy people. I would never do this to my husband's family, who are not perfect people either, or to my children, who will know both sides of their family (except, perhaps, my brother's). Why would they distance themselves from all of us, with zero explanation to any of us? It's as if they have unilaterally decided to cookie-cutter us into a pre-determined (limited) role in their lives by not letting us learn about them so that we can not cultivate a relationship with them. Anyone have any insight?

How is this reverse in-law bashing? Are you saying that you are bashing yourself as the wrong-do-er?

[Anonymous]

Some people are just not that close with extended family. It's not a character flaw, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the extended family.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure my in-laws could write a very similar post about me. Like another poster, I just don't connect with them at all emotionally or intellectually. We are from different planets. From my perspective they are clueless and I think they would say I'm an uptight bee-yotch. And at times they would be right. The worst of me comes out when I'm around them. I can't explain it other than I have an almost visceral dislike for my fil. I've never experienced anything like this before with any person. Sometimes people just don't get along.

[Anonymous]

I agree, what do you have to lose by having a conversation with your SIL (with or without your brother around) about it?

Do you think you are making it more personal than it really is? Maybe they are just busy people who have a lot on their plate and truly don't have a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure my in-laws could write a very similar post about me. Like another poster, I just don't connect with them at all emotionally or intellectually. We are from different planets. From my perspective they are clueless and I think they would say I'm an uptight bee-yotch. And at times they would be right. The worst of me comes out when I'm around them. I can't explain it other than I have an almost visceral dislike for my fil. I've never experienced anything like this before with any person. Sometimes people just don't get along.

Ditto. I could have written something very similar. My inlaws live close, and we do see them, but I wish we saw them less. I have nothing in common with them and they make very little effort with me. Usually when we see BIL and his wife (they have no kids yet) its also with MIL and FIL. Because I would like more distance form Inlaws it unfortunately might lead to more distance with BIL. The inlaws want to see us every week or more - we feel that is too much, especially when I just don't get along with them.

We don't have an issue with brothers or sisters having children yet, so not same as OP's situation. But my inlaws live here, and I'm sure they think they are perfect, and I'm sure my BIL can't imagine (especially because he doesn't have kids yet) why we wouldn't want them to babysit. I get the feeling he is more oblivious to his parents flaws. Unfortunately, their judgement is not always ideal, and I do not have the same trust in them to babysit as I do with my own parents. They probably are hurt we don't ask them to babysit more (we do on occasion, but not often), but I just don't trust them and their judgement as much. It could be there are issues and dynamics going on that you just aren't aware of.

[Anonymous]

8:42 could also be me, except swap out FIL for MIL at the end.

I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:42 could also be me, except swap out FIL for MIL at the end.

I know it's cold, but I'm one of those people who believes that my husband is my family, but his family of origin is not and never will be my family.

I think quite a few women feel this way. Of my closest friends, almost all of them are hostile to their in laws and openly prefer their own families. I happen to prefer my husband's family to mine. Less baggage.

I have raised my children to accept the families of their spouses as family. If the future spouses weren't raised the same way, I guess I will be SOL.

[Anonymous]

I generally like my inlaws but over the years their comments about my parenting and my kids along with other disfuntional gatherings made me put up boundaries. It is upsetting that the kids don't get to know each other, the grandparents rarely see their grandchildren but the emotional toll their visits, comments and attitude toward me along with there holier than thou approach about everything made me realize it wasn't healthy. So we do one family gathering a year, other visits are done with my spouse and kids only, I stay away, or only my spouse goes. I don't think my DH has ever mentioned why I'm not coming to family events anymore, I'm sure they are curious. Then again maybe they are relieved. It wasn't just one event but years of repetitive behavior that I kept trying to pretend didn't bother me. After seeing a therapist they recommended that I needed to set boundaries that worked for me and our immediate family. Its not all of my DH's family but there are certain combinations of individuals that having us together is just not a good idea. No matter how thick I thought my skin was after spending time together I was a wreck.

[Anonymous]

12:45 - YUP. My IL's are passive aggressive bullies. Do NOT try to seperate/ask you brother, OP. THAT would be the exact problem. Remember, he is not a kid in your living room anymore. My DH's family has a hard time realizing that their old roles were just so dysfunctional and there is no room in DH's rather successful life for that kind of abuse, frankly. If his siblings wanted to be successful, they would get over their old roles, too. Their choice to progress or not.

[Anonymous]

We have similar situations on my side and DH side. My family is dysfunctional bullies, my DH put it perfectly, to them we will always be the freshman and they will always be the nasty seniors like in high school. He chooses to distance himself from his own family because they grew up very poor and unhappy. When he is around them now, even though they are wonderful and no longer poor, they still remind him if where he came from. For some reason he can't get over the painful memories of the past. We stay in touch enough so our kids know them all though

[Anonymous]

There are certain family dynamics that just don't work. That happens to be the case with my ILs. There are so many personalities and attitudes that when we do get together some one ends up getting hurt. Its not just one thing, its things that have been said or done over several years. Plus I just got to a point in my life that I didn't feel like putting up with their personalities. I had gone along with it for too long trying to make it work for the kids, grandparents. Then one day my oldest son told me he didn't want to see them again because they were mean to him. And here I thought by dealing with their crap I was doing my kids a favor. Once I realized that he saw what was going on, and they were starting to pull the same stuff with him I distanced ourselves from their gatherings. My DH still likes to believe all of what I have told him isn't true and I know that he won't stand up to them so I just don't go, neither do the kids. They have never asked why I can't be there - probably deep down they know exactly why.

Just because they are family, doesn't mean they are your friends.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this post because my BIL/SIL have done the same thing to MIL. No offense, but I actually wonder how function your family of origin is, OP, if your brother doesn't have the emotionally maturity and/or trust in your family to talk to you about the issues. I know that is the case of my BIL, and I know it stems from the utter disfunctionality of his parenting. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems that there is something going on that is driving them away.

[Anonymous]

sorry, meant "how functional your family of origin is"